The things people will do for an education these days. Take for instance our heroine, Elvira. One night is a swanky nightspot while sipping cocktails with her boyfriend, she tells him all about her latest project. She is writing an `essay' on a mysterious countess named Wandessa, a weird woman to say the very least. Elvira has already confirmed that Wandessa was a Satan worshipper who practiced `all the known rituals for Black Magic.' Practice makes perfect, and we see Wandessa in a flashback that shows her in her castle, conducting rituals on an altar festooned with groovy pentagrams that she apparently picked up at Spencer's Gifts. Even worse, Elvira reveals that Wandessa liked to drink the blood of young women in order to preserve her beauty and youth, and-here's the shocker-she was rumored to be a VAMPIRE!

But at this point in our little film, nothing's shocking, for we've already been introduced to Waldemar Daninsky. We first meet him as a corpse on a slab, and two foolish doctors arrive to extract the silver bullets that he was shot down with. See, Waldemar is a werewolf, only the doctors know that this can't possibly be true, so they decide to take the bullets out just to prove it. Only to themselves, mind you, since they choose to do this all alone in the middle of the night, while a haunted house record spins on the soundtrack. While the doctors are distracted with lighting their cigarettes, the werewolf awakens and administers some fatal scratches across their foreheads, then escapes into the night. He immediately finds himself in the woods, where by some unfortunate coincidence, a woman just happens to be wandering around. She too is dispatched, this time in a more elaborate fashion (he bites her on the neck, resulting in instantaneous death).

And so the inevitable happens. Elvira informs her boyfriend that she is traveling to `some godforsaken village' to find the tomb of Countess Wandessa, whose burial plot was kept secret so as to ensure the impossibility of her resurrection. Fortunately though, Elvira has unearthed some `important papers' that reveal the grave's whereabouts, and she sets off in a car with her friend Genevieve in tow. You know these chicas are in trouble when the gas starts to run out, and before long they just happen to stumble across the home of-you guessed it-Waldemar Daninsky. After he terrifies Elvira with a fake spider and a weird marionette, he offers to let the girls stay at his house, and they naturally accept since their car is almost out of gas. Never mind that they were in `some godforsaken village' that seems to be cut off from the rest of the world (despite a handyman who pops in from time to time). Never mind that Waldemar has no phone and no electricity. Never mind that the best he can come up with for dinner is `cold cuts.'

Oh, and Waldemar also forgets to tell the girls about his crazy sister, who sneaks into their room, hovers over Elvira's bed, then rips her dress down and feels up her breasts before trying to strangle her. Said sister also attacks Genevieve, who finds a shack with bloody walls and some strategically-placed chains and shackles that look like they might be about the right size for a werewolf (hmmmmmmm...). But never mind, it's all smoothed over and Waldemar helps the girls find the crypt of the Countess the next day.

Elvira seems content that she has found the tomb, but Waldemar and Genevieve decide it must be opened. See, the Countess was dispatched with a silver crucifix, which just happens to be the only thing that can release Waldemar from his werewolf curse. So they open the coffin and find a skeleton with a silver cross stuck in its ribcage, JUST LIKE the legend said. However, Genevieve decides the cross is really pretty, and she PLUCKS IT OUT. (Cue ominous music). Even worse, she CUTS HER ARM on something, gushing blood RIGHT INTO the skull of the countess! What an unbelievable coincidence! Worst of all, they deduce that Wandessa is determined to bring about `Walpurgis Night,' which will bring Satanic forces into the realm of man (if you think it didn't work, try and explain `the Jerry Springer Show'). If this Walpurgis Night happens, vampires will reign supreme, and `things will happen that have never been seen by human beings.' (Really!)

If you can't figure out the rest of this on your own, shame on you, cause it's pretty standard b-movie stuff. Genevieve is vampirized by the resurrected Wandessa (who has some pretty funny sound effects that accompany her wherever she goes). Waldemar goes through some grade-school werewolf transformations (sometimes abbreviated when the plot needs to hurry), and in a matter of a day or two, Elvira decides that she loves Waldemar, despite his near-total lack of emotional responses or facial expressions. It's a good thing though, because the only thing that can truly free Waldemar from his ancient curse is to be killed with the aforementioned silver cross by the woman who truly loves him. Imagine, finding the cross AND the woman at the SAME TIME! It's Waldy's lucky week for sure.

The final battle between Wandessa and Waldemar (sounds like a couple of trapeze artists to me) is less than spectacular. See, Wandessa gets Elvira and her boyfriend (who has used his brilliant powers of deduction to track her to this godforsaken village) chained to a wall while she attempts to resurrect Satan. Satan appears as a demonic chuckling shadow on the wall, but Waldemar arrives and scares him off (whew!), spoiling Wandessa's Walpurgis party. Since the full moon has just risen (which makes you wonder how many times it comes up in three days in this godforsaken village), Waldemar transforms and grapples with Wandessa. Then he bites her on the neck, which kills her (never mind all that vampire legend baloney, turns out all you gotta do is bite ‘em back and they're done for). Wandessa disintegrates into a skeleton again, this time complete with swarming maggots, and a quick-thinking Elvira marches right up to the werewolf and plunges the silver cross into its heart. Although these events take about five minutes to transpire, and the moon was just rising when Waldemar transformed, Elvira and Marcelle walk outside the tomb to find that the sun is rising.

It is at this point in the experience of watching `Werewolf Vs. The Vampire Woman' that you realize that you have just lost about ninety minutes of your life that you will never, ever regain. But don't worry...Paul Naschy felt the need to do a semi-remake of this movie a couple of years later with `The Craving.' Some people never know when to quit!