| A phone rings.
Michael Bay: Michael Bay Enterprises, this is Michael Bay director of Armageddon speaking, how can I help you?
Daniel Lee: Hello Mr. Bay, this is Daniel Lee. I directed Star Runner and Black Mask with Jet Li.
MB: Ah yes, Danny, can I call you Danny? I like your work, you have, uhm, potential!
DL: Thanks Mike! Hey listen, I am working on a new film called Dragon Squad. It's starring Samo Hung in a comeback role and a bunch of young SUPER hip Hongkie actors who are just screaming coolness. It also stars Michael Biehn who I think you know?
MB: Ah yes, he was in my action film The Rock, how is the old bastard?
DL: Great, he's doing great. Well hey; the reason I called is that I wanted to get some pointers from the master of bombastic-and-visually-appealing-but-ultimately-meaningless-cinema.
MB: Oh man, I'm sorry but Tony Scott stepped out to grab some lunch.
DL: Oh that's cool I already spoke to him. He loaned me a truck full of special filters, lenses and video effects. You know, just in case I wanted to change filters, lenses and effects for every single frame of certain action and or dramatic sequences. It was really nice of him. He even showed me how to use everything and told me the golden rule: if you have it, use it! So anyhow, I would actually like to talk to you now.
MB: Well, you know my motto: Sure, why not? So go for it, ask away and I will try to steer you in the right direction.
DL: First of all, I need help with fleshing out the characters. I don't want to waste precious film time on "background." How can I go about doing this as quickly as possible?
MB: Just have a bunch of split second still-photo flashbacks of each major character. Make sure these photos show what special tactical or military unit each of the characters was from, and bingo - back-story! For example, if you need a hot chick who is a sniper, just show a picture of her looking all bad-ass in some fatigues and a beret holding a huge sniper rifle. Maybe play some dramatic drummy music over the photo-back-story-montage and there ya go. Next question.
DL: Okay, so to add "emotional depth" is it cool to have a really super cheesy "sad" death scene after every single large scale gun fight in the film?
MB: Sure, why not? Just make sure the sad parts are filmed in slow motion with stuff falling from the sky, preferably feathers or sparks, and also, now this is important, pick the cheesiest song you can find - you know, some power ballad by Aerosmith or something, now that's hot!
DL: Ooh, great idea! I have this one song in mind, I think it's in D-minor, and it has some chick singing about building a mansion higher than the trees and it crumbles because her lover has died. I'll use that!
MB: PERFECT-O! Next question.
DL: Okay, this pertains to something you said earlier. I need lots of debris falling but I am not sure how to go about setting up the set so the debris seems logical.
MG: Logical? Son, have you seen my films? The more shit that's falling from the sky during any part of the film, the better. Okay, so, where do you want this debris?
DL: Well, there is one major gunfight in an alley.
MB: Okay, so put some propane tanks in front of some bags full of shredded paper. Every alley I know of has tons of garbage bags full of shredded paper strewn about, so no big deal. Now, here is the important part: the first gun shot fired during the scene MUST hit the propane tank and cause the bags to explode so you will have paper scraps falling like snow for like 15 minutes! Also, make sure there are some large industrial strength fans in the alley that happen to turn on - maybe from the explosion or something - so they can generate air currents and make the falling paper scraps look like snow.
DL: Should I film this scene in really slow motion?
MB: Sure, why not? Just make sure it looks expensive.
DL: Got it. Okay, next question Mike. At the end of the film I want there to be a shoot out between two snipers that takes place in a graveyard. Only problem is, the end I have written takes place in a shopping mall and an abandoned factory - there are no graveyards around these two areas.
MB: Who cares? Just show the snipers running from the factory, edit in a bunch of jump cuts, pans, wipes, and slow motion, and then have the two snipers appear in a graveyard. It's cool - and trust me, the audience will be so wowed by your editing prowess they won't even question the graveyard. Plus it'll look awesome, and just think of the deep symbology of it all.
DL: Excellent, just what I wanted to hear! Okay, so for my final scene, I need a way for the bad guy to lead the good guy into a cool room for a final showdown. How can I do this?
MB: Blood.
DL: Well, it would have to be a lot of blood; the hallways we are using are pretty long.
MB: Do you know how much blood the human body can lose before they die?
DL: No.
MB: Neither do I, and neither does the audience. Trust me, it's a lot. So, have the bad guy get shot, and then have him run and stumble all the way to the coolest room of the location leaving a trail of blood so the good guy can follow. So what is the coolest room you can think of?
DL: Well...
MB: No prob Danny, listen. Have the last fight scene take place in the laundry room with pillows and fluorescent lights. This way, you can have the two guys shoot at each other hitting a bunch of pillows and then you can have feathers falling from the sky. Secondly, as the two guys are shooting at each other, make sure to show the fluorescent bulbs exploding for no reason, and have the light fixtures fall causing a shower of sparks to blur out in the back ground. The sparks coupled with the feathers, along with bullet casings and blood should make for a really kick ass sequence.
DL: Wow, that sounds awesome! I was also thinking of adding a greenish Matrix-like colored filter for this sequence.
MB: Sure, why not?
DL: Okay, so I also need more emotion. So during the last fight sequences, I want the audience to feel bad for the bad guys when they die - you know, because they're human too.
MB: Easy - just make sure to use slow motion and that really cheesy song you have about the mansion (remember, you already used that song when a good guy dies so the audience will know the song is used to trigger emotion), and also make sure to show one of the bad guy's girlfriend look really sad when he dies even though she knows he is an evil murderous bastard.
DL: Oh man, this is gonna be good. Any last minute pointers?
MB: Look, Danny, just have fun man! No matter what, just make sure the film entertains, the rest be damned. All to often nowadays action movie directors are afraid too just let it all go and have a rip-roaring good time. As long as the film looks slick, is cool as hell, feels expensive and bombastic, and IS FUN, nothing else matters. Sometimes it's cool for the audience to just turn of their brains, sit back and enjoy a stupid action film.
DL: You got that right! All right Mike, thanks for the pointers, I better get started. Oh hey, do you know Steven Segal's phone number? I need him to be an executive producer.
MB: Sure, it's... |