I always hated "August Underground", even before I saw it. You might be asking, "how could you hate something without seeing it?" The answer is simple: I know what the "movie" contained, and how it was made. I knew it was a bunch of hicks running around with a camcorder from Circuit City shooting themselves doing retarded things. That's all I knew, and that's all I needed to know. But why did I hate it for that? I'll explain that a little bit later.

At the horror con I was at this past weekend, I bought August Underground. I knew what I was buying, I knew what to expect, and yes, I bought it even though I hated it. Let me explain. Why did I buy it? So I can actually see what everyone is talking about, so I can put my justified opinion into context. But surprisingly, not only did it make me laugh at how much of a loser and egoist Fred Vogel is, but taught me any schmuck can make can put together a bunch of moving images and call it a movie. I came home, watched it, and it only confirmed everything I felt and believed.

AUGUST UNDERGROUND IS GARBAGE.

This is the movie all of us have made when goofing off with friends. First of all, its tremendously boring, with the two of them not doing much the whole time other than just hanging around and talking about nonsense. When it comes down to the violence, I felt like I'm watching a bad reenactment on America's Most Wanted. At least America's Most Wanted is based on real people, real events, and used real professional actors (although their abilities might be in question). AU didn't feel real, and Fred Vogel seemed like some fat kid who just wanted to impress his friends with some fake unconvincing gore. This guy is an adult, yet he makes a movie that almost every preteen has made. Only difference is that the preteens who have messed around with camcorders with friends making fake snuff were honest about what they made, they knew it was garbage and only an inside joke between friends. I remember a few friends and myself would go into web cam chat rooms and stage murder scenes on cam just to mess with people. But did we think about putting it on DVD with features? No. Why? BECAUSE ITS NOT A MOVIE! But apparently Fred Vogel thinks AU is, and decides to sell this, not only in a two disc set, but with a large array of special features, and for 30 bucks no less? AND PEOPLE BUY IT???

Ironically, the DVD set was worth it but not for the reasons Fred would like to believe. Yes, some good things came of me buying this, two good things to be exact. The first was not for the 'movie,' but for the special features. I couldn't stop laughing my ass off when listening to the interviewees and from Vogel himself. Vogel is wearing sunglasses in most or all the interviews; obviously disguising the confused daze he had while trying to think of some bullshit to say to the kids watching it. There were so many cuts in the interview, which only told you how much of a hard time Vogel was having with digging up BS to say to the camera. He regards this 'movie' as an actual movie, getting philosophical about why he made it and the context of the time he made it. He said at the time he made it, horror was going down hill. I couldn't believe my ears! Down hill?!? After August Underground, not only was horror down hill, but now he drove it straight into the ground. This is not a movie, Fred. Don't sugarcoat things, be honest. If this is a movie, then so are the home movies of my grandparents at the zoo.

Let me teach everyone a lesson about the industry. When all else fails, use a gimmick. When you don't have the talent, skill or equipment to make a real movie, use a gimmick to disguise the lack of talent. A great example of this is the Blair Witch Project. More garbage that lacked all the elements that makes a movie a movie. It's kind of like when you trip on something in front of your friends, and to evade the embarrassment, you take the Pee Wee Herman defense and say something to the nature of, "I meant to do that" (a quote from the film Pee Wee's Big Adventure). Vogel can't make a movie and he knows it, so what does he do? He doesn't make a real movie and says, "It's meant to be like that."

But back to back to the supplements on the DVD, this is what made me laugh even so much harder... he said he wanted to do something different. DIFFERENT?? We have the Devil's Experiment and Flower of Flesh and Blood that came out more than two decades before this garbage. At least Flower was poetic. But even better I thought was the snuff scene in the film, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. Now that moved me and had more realism. A big fat kid smearing fake shit on a girls face is just stupid. It just feels like a really bad video clip from a German S & M website. NOT original.

There are so many young inspiring filmmakers trying to make it, making coherent movies with plots, cinematography, and themes. But a bunch of immature kids rather watch this garbage. This leads me to the second positive thing that came from August Underground. This movie gave me the motivation to make a REAL film. If kids are forking over their parents' hard earned money to buy this, I feel it is my duty to give them something worth watching. I've always wanted to make films, but never was the motivation as strong as it is now and probably the same for others who have seen this movie only to scratch their heads and hate it. My final words on August Underground?

Its nothing more than a fat kid striving for attention, and guess what, he got it, and all you guys that like this movie are suckers. Keep giving Fred and his friends (Toe Tag Pictures) money, and he'll promise to keep giving you the garbage you beg for.