I take notes when I watch movies, so I'll remember what to say when I sit down to write a review later. Here's the last thing I wrote before my viewing of this movie was mercifully interrupted by the timely arrival of some friends:

"The downside of renting every damn movie I can find just for the joy of reviewing it later is that I have to reconsider what the worst movie I've ever seen is moreso than most people do."

Later on, I steeled myself to finish watching it, and it didn't get any better. But it didn't get any worse, either. Dracula Rising retains, for now, the title of being the worst movie I've ever seen. But this definitely goes to the Pile.

This horrible, horrible movie gives us a number of (blandly, N*Sync'ly attractive) college students holding an Aztec exhibit where the centerpiece is an ancient Aztec mummy. I didn't know Aztecs made mummies. Anyway, it turns out that one of the teens, the one that everybody picks on, is the latest in a long line of (apparently blonde) Aztec priests, who raises the mummy and sends it to kill everybody, though his real plan is to annihilate humankind, or something. Seems to me that this mummy would take a long time to do that.

You can make a fun movie out of something like this, really you can. I liked The Outing. But this? I mean, we're given this guy I can only think of as Obnoxious Kid, who's truly one of the most obnoxious characters I've ever seen in a movie...and he's the only one who comes close to gettin' some.

This stupid fucking mummy's been dead for, what, five thousand years, and all it wants to do now that he's back is run around and kill people. Mummies like this SUCK. And it understands English too.

A McGyver reference? Fuck, kill me.

"This place give me bad karma"? Does this person even know what karma is?

Somebody calls the mummy "beef-jerky-face". Speaking of beef jerky, it looks like the mummy has been eating his share, since he looks way too chunky to have been entombed in withering desiccation for millennia.

"I've watched too many goddamn movies; no way is this guy coming back." I don't even know what the hell this is supposed to mean, other than a pretty weak post-Scream stab at being "hip".

The Aztec priest has a psychic link with the mummy. No shit.

One girl makes a point of announcing that she's a virgin. If there's one thing I hate, it's people who are proud of their virginity, I mean, retaining one's virginity, compared to the many possibilities of human triumph, is a pretty sad excuse for an accomplishment. If there's another thing I hate, it's how obvious it is that there's gonna be a virgin sacrifice.

One of the weirdest stupid things in this movie is when one character, obviously ill, says "I feel sick like I'm gonna throw up. Maybe I should go to the bathroom." The guy that's with him actually says "That's okay, I can help you." What the HELL does this mean? If you stay I will prevent you from vomiting? Fuck, you moron, just let the guy go the can and puke his guts out, he'll feel better afterward.

No, I'm NOT going to keep drawing attention to this horrible movie by writing about it even more. Fuck it. It sucks. It's horrible. Everybody involved should be ashamed of themselves. You all just made the world suck a little more.

Directed by David DeCoteau, who directs something like fifty-five movies a year. Written (if you can call it that) by Matthew Jason Walsh. Both of them, if they have any conscience at all, have probably cried themselves to sleep every night since this movie started production. And also known as Bram Stoker's Legend Of The Mummy 2, which maybe makes more sense, considering that this mummy does not, at any point in the movie, scream.

THE PLOT:
A small group of college (?) students are staying at some special intensive archaeology summmer program type of thing. The big find they have to work with is an ancient mummy. But soon they start disappearing one by one.

THE PROBLEMS:
A project of this massive scope--listing all the problems of this movie--could only be called a work in progress. Anyone who would care to add to this list, please let us know.

• During the entire film, it's thundering violently and flashing with lightning. However, there's nary a drop of rain to be seen from indoors or out. And towards the end of the film, one of the kids remarks, "looks like a storm's coming". DUH, YOU THINK?!
  
  
• Every action the characters take makes no sense. But this goes far beyond the usual "girl in nightgown goes outside in the dark to investigate noises". In this film, every single step that every character takes makes no sense.
  
  
• One kid steals an amulet from the mummy's corpse and gives it to a girl. That girl gives it to her roommate to put back on the mummy, even though she's going right back to the mummy herself. The roommate eventually takes the amulet back to the mummy, stands around the mummy for awhile, and then gives the amulet to someone else to put back on the mummy. They all stand around the mummy for awhile talking, catching up...no one puts it back.
  
  
• One of the characters spends all his time making fun of the other students for being at the camp. Um, hello, you're at the camp too, dunce.
  
  
• Where are they all going? They decide to have a secret party in "the compound" (except one girl who is sneaking off campus to see a movie with her boyfriend). But first a guy and a girl go on ahead to "have some alone time together". Before the others even get there, they decide to go back to the dorms to "have some alone time together". Eventually, the others show up, and for some reason half of them go in the front and half in the back--along with the girl who supposedly couldn't go because of her date. They mill around for awhile, and then the date girl looks at her watch and says, "oh my god, we missed the late show by HOURS". Do you really have such a severe problem with time!? HOURS late and you didn't even notice?
  
  
• The Date Girl keeps assuring the audience that she's "a practicing virgin" (don't worry, kiddo, we could all guess). After the tenth time, shouldn't someone just rip off her clothes and get it over with? Someone's gotta' shut this chick up about her damn virginity already.
  
  
• The annoying guy says "I'm gonna' slip into something a bit more...naked". No.
  
  
• Everyone's supposedly really pissed off at the annoying guy, because he stole the amulet from the mummy and broke into the compound to have this party. They all keep saying, "next time I see him, I'm gonna' kick his ass!" But then they see him and don't do anything. Also, they're supposedly so afraid of turning on the lights, because then the security guards might notice that they're in "the compound" after hours and they'd get in trouble. But even after they've decided to call the police and explain the whole story, they still can't turn the lights on, because "someone will notice!"
  
  
• There are scenes where they are all looking around "the compound" (which is made of two or three small rooms) with flashlights. But for some reason, they spend about five minutes in one room that's no more than 10 feet square and filled with folding chairs. COME ON, how long does it take to "search" this little closet of a room? You could just peek your head in from the hallway and tell it's empty, but you each have to go in an point the flashlight around for five minutes to determine that it's empty? And we especially liked the part towards the end where, while doing this, one of the characters starts screaming at whomever he thinks is hidden somewhere in the room. "This isn't funny! I'm sick of your shit, man! If you're waiting to jump out and scream 'surprise!', then that's just what you'll get, because I'm gonna' surprise you!" Great dialogue, no doubt, but the whole scene is hilarious because he's just screaming at an obviously empty room for minutes and minutes... Anyone who has heard the Adam Sandler CD where he plays an old math teacher who gets a prank phone call and stays on the phone trying to find out who the caller was long after they've already hung up? "Hello? I said hello?! Who are you? Just tell me your name. I'm gonna' hang up! I'm warning you!" Déjà vu.
  
  
• And, not to give away the ending (not that it matters), but there is a severe wardrobe problem on the part of one of the kids. Traditional Aztec? We think not.
  
  
• "Ancient Evil: Scream Of The Mummy"? The mummy doesn't even make a sound.
  
  
• If you deduct the HORRIBLY SLOW opening credits and the end credits, this movie's probably about 75 minutes long. Given the film's quality, that's not necessarily a "problem", but still, by the time the film hobbles past the finish line it feels like it's been hours. And the ending? OH MAN! How was it so abrupt AND tedious at the same time?