THE PLOT (or lack thereof!)
I'm not gonna get into major details. To start, Nekromantik is German with English subtitles. I highly doubt the majority of you will recognize any of the actors' names. And to be honest, the characters' names themselves are rather unimportant.

With that in mind, the plot is simple. A man and his girlfriend are your typical happy young couple. They go out together, they enjoy each other's company, and they have sexual relations that revolve around the grotesque and macabre. OK, so they aren't totally normal.

Luckily for them, however, the guy just got a job working for a "street cleaning service" that picks up dead bodies from wrecks and accidents. He soon begins to pocket small body parts to bring to their apartment for preservation and/or sexual gratification.

But he hits paydirt when he finds an accident victim he is able to take home whole. Then what happens? You guessed it: ménage à trois. But when the man loses his job, his girlfriend decides she's had enough of their relationship.

She packs up her belongings along with her badly decomposed new boyfriend (how's that for a self-esteem killer?) and leaves the apartment.

Soon, the man begins to lose control of his sexual urges and starts to kill in order to satisfy them.

Seriously, that's the plot. No, really.

SO WHEN DID YOU SCRIBBLE DOWN THIS PIECE OF EXCREMENT YOU CALL A REVIEW, CHUMP?

December 9, 2000.

THE BODY COUNT

According to my poorly kept statistics there are about 8 kills in all, ranging from laughable to incredibly grotesque.

- 6 humans

- 1 kitty in a bag

- 1 dead wabbit, err, rabbit (sick!)

THE NUDITY (A little something for the perverts in the house.)

For the guys: (And some of the gals, I suppose)

We get a girl's butt as she stands up from the bathtub (and the same girl's breasts later), a girl in a movie within the movie who has her shirt torn off, and a girl on a poster who is in a rather compromising position.

For the gals: (And some of the guys, I suppose)

You get a naked, badly decomposed corpse and a guy in a bathtub that shows off both his butt and—you guessed it—FFN! Full frontal nudity. However, I must warn you: This man appears to be a long lost member of the Bush family if you catch my drift (har har).

THE GOODS (How well did the movie deliver on its premise?)

What’s really good:

* If gore/shock is your thing, Nekromantik delivers in a few instances. The ending is especially gratuitous, but the whole film contains disturbing, in-your-face imagery.

* Then special effects are stunning when one considers that Nekromantik reportedly had an "extremely low" budget.

What’s really bad:

* Nekromantik appears to have been shot on my dad's old home video camera.

* Surprisingly, Nekromantik often drags like crazy between its "shocking events." It's hard to believe one could find a virtually unforgettable film like this rather boring, but alas: It's true, it's true.

* Nekromantik probably only appeals to about 5 percent of horror fans. It's either far too gruesome, outlandish, disturbing, or simply boring for most fans.

* I don't mean to come off as some sort of tree-hugger here, but the very real slaying of a rabbit on film was a bit much for me. If the footage was pre-existing and was included for shock value, I guess I can understand it, but I have a bad feeling the creature was murdered for the sole purpose of making Nekromantik. That I cannot defend. I don't think any film is worth truly harming something for a select few people's sick pleasure.

TIDBITS (A little inside info. for ya!)

* Director Jörg Buttgereit reportedly refers to Nekromantik as "corpse fucking art." Indeed.

YOU CAN LEARN A LOT FROM A MOVIE (facts to help you deal with your turbulent life)

1) It's OK to handle human guts without rubber gloves, but it's essential to use a condom when fornicating with a corpse.

2) If you can toss a severed head back and forth with someone, then you have found true love.

3) Suicide may cause premature ejaculation.

MATCH MAKER (Who does that remind you of?)

Character: The decomposed dead guy.

The Match: My ex-girlfriend. From his hollow eyes to his total lack of interest in sex to his cold heart—the comparisons can go on all day.

WORTH WATCHING? (Should you stuff that chubby little fist in your pocket for the cash to watch this flick, hotshot?)

I rented two rather bad-looking horror movies last night. Of course, I immediately decided to pick up Nekromantik after not only reading the back of the case, but after opening the case and finding that someone had scribbled "It's sick" with a pencil on the label. If a movie actually provokes a viewer to sharpen his/her pencil and write something on the tape, I'm there, baby.

I went home and asked my old man (the "old man" being my father) "Which [awful-looking horror movie] do you want to watch?" He said "Whichever one is worse." I replied "I seem to remember hearing that Nekromantik is about as sick as any movie you're likely to see." He said "Good. Pop it in." So I did.

Our first reaction was a simultaneous "Ugh." The dark, muddy shots gave us practically no idea what was going on in the opening scene.

Of course, now I'm aware that Nekromantik was shot on 8MM (and to its credit, the picture clarity greatly improved in later scenes). By the time the necrophilia began, my dad half-jokingly said "Nobody should watch anything like this. It should be restricted for all ages." I couldn't do anything but laugh.

I'm not an advocate of censorship by any means, but Nekromantik is just so damn boring at times that I can't really recommend it to people unless they happen to be looking for a few—and I mean few—cheap, shocking thrills. And my old man's right. It's not for the faint of heart.

I'm giving Nekromantik two stars for having a lot of guts (literally and figuratively), but I can't recommend it in good conscience. There's a big difference between a movie that's disgusting because it is trying to further the plot, and one that is gross simply because a director thinks he can cash in by being "the sickest of the bunch." I wasn't looking for a film to compare to Faces of Death; I was looking for one I could compare to Dead Alive.

Nekromantik prides itself on not shying away from any image. It lingers on even the most vile shots, but to be honest, I can hardly recall most of them less than 24 hours later.

It surprises me that Nekromantik has become an infamous cult classic among gore fans. The only shots that will probably remain with me are the "rabbit murder" scene and the (literal) climax. The majority of the scenes are too silly or boring to be mentioned. Director Jörg Buttgereit should have circled one of the following questions and stuck with his answer:

A) Do you want to make the most disturbing film of all time?

B) Do you want to make a slow-paced, artistic film?

Alas, he tried to do both and only succeeded at being both boring and gross.

Fright Factor: 6

Funny Factor: 3

Gore Factor: 8

”Bore” Factor: 6

What Shock/Gore Fans Should Pay: Up to $2.50 (Just so you can say you saw it.)

What Casual Fans Should Pay: Nothing. Avoid Nekromantik like that dork that always used to hit on you in high school.

OK, I WATCHED THE MOVIE. NOW WHAT, FANCYPANTS? (Plugs for other flicks)

Well, if you enjoyed Nekromantik I'd recommend:

* Street Trash

* Films from the Troma company

* The Faces of Death series

Nekromantik is unrated and contains nudity, explicit sexual content, extreme violence, and stupidity posing as art. Viewer discretion is advised.