D-Tox: Reviews

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D-Tox
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Rating, Out Of 5 Stars
Sly plays John Malloy, an FBI agent who is being teased by a brutal serial killer. The serial killer seems to have seen every serial killer movie ever made, because he's a total cliché on wheels. Unlike Jodie Foster's Clarice Starling, however, Sly's Malloy doesn't exactly radiate intelligence. In fact, you kind of wonder why the killer has targeted him in the first place, since playing cat-and-mouse with him is like Michael Jordan going up against Corky at the Basketball Special Olympics. Summary: the person who drools ain't gonna' win.

So the killer keeps killing and taunting and Sly keeps slurring angry remarks and chasing after the killer fruitlessly. In fact, at one point, he advises the officers at one of the crime scenes to not even bother looking for prints or evidence because it's just a waste of time. That's authentic FBI procedure for ya. Eventually, the killer gets around to Malloy's wife, doing away with her in a rather gruesome fashion, and then he "loses it" like so many movie cops before him.

Malloy turns to drink. He practically moves into a bar, where his partner comes to give him a boring pep talk--"you get up and look life right in the eye and you..."--which doesn't seem to work, except that in the next scene the partner is driving Malloy up to some secluded Wyoming facility that specializes in treating emotionally screwed cops.

Once they arrive, it quickly becomes clear that Malloy's nemesis serial killer schmoe is among them, and it's all a matter of finding out who he is before it's "too late"--which means "before he kills all the other clichéd, annoying characters who you want to die anyway".

This facility is in the middle of nowehere in the dead of winter during a snowstorm, so there's no escape. And people are being murdered one by one. To try and identify the killer in the group, the first thing they do is to separate everyone. Yes, seriously. This is where you might find yourself...oh...say, screaming obscenities at the screen or ripping out your own spleen. "You're telling me that they split up in to parties of ONE, isolated from each other, in order to find the killer?" "Yes, that's damn straight what we're telling you." Oh....

We could go on, but that's basically all you need to know. These people are a bunch of morons, there's not a single person you give a crap about, and in fact most of them you'll actively DISlike. This film should just be called "Cliché: The Movie". We're surprised they even bothered giving names to these characters. If you're gonna' half-ass it, why not just ass it completely? "Sylvester Stallone as 'The Main Guy'"; "Robert Patrick as 'The Really Annoying Guy'"; "Charles Dutton as 'The Token Black Guy/Pep-Talk Guy'"; etc.

In conclusion, we'd just like to say that we highly recommend this film.--if you've been living in a cave for the past 75 years, don’t speak English, have poor vision, and are easily amused by colors and/or shiny things. Or if you liked "Hollow Man"...

-HKFlix (see my profile)
http://www.hkflix.com

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Rating, Out Of 5 Stars
WRITER: "I have an idea! Let's make a movie like 'And Then There Were None' or 'Clue', but let's bring it up to date. It won't have the comedy of either of those films, nor the style, but it will star Sylvester Stallone and feature a bunch of bit-part character actors and has-beens, and it will be made much more recently. In fact, it won't have anything new whatsoever to offer, but it will have Sylvester Stallone, and he'll be a dumb-as-nails washed-up alcoholic FBI agent. It's really a character piece, and he's the master of character..."

STUDIO: "GO FOR IT!"

AUDIENCE: "Zzzzzzz....."

HKFLIX: "This movie sucks."

-HKFlix (see my profile)
http://www.hkflix.com

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