BEST NINJA MOVIE EVER!! Oh my goodness. The people who made this glorious epic must have been assimilating too much meth. This film is unbelievable. There is so much to tell.

First off, the action. With the action, you'll see ninjas riding on inflatable spiders. Oh man it was great seeing them paddling around trying to chop some monk's head off. You'll also experience a couple of fight scenes with "The Gypsy Monks From California", Mark and Moore. It's funny watching them utilizing tambourines as weapons to dispose of the foes. But the best fight scene of all time, where all my titillating fantasies come true, is the naked chick fight scene. It was epic seeing a naked chick kicking ass against ninjas while showing graphic depictions of her beaver. Unfortunately it's followed up by, guhuhuh, gross, Alexander Lou's fight scene with the same ninjas in which his underwear is riding up his ass. Damn it, way to kill Mr. Happy. :(

The overall action is really awesome, insane, and funny at the same time. It's plentiful, with lots of blood spitting, blood spurting, and decapitations. Beauteous.

Elevating the hilarity is the costuming, mostly on the part of the ninjas. Their clothes are black with white strips and they look ragged and retarded. Also there are those cat ninjas with poorly colored pattern designs with bright colored hair. But the comedy award goes to the antagonist with the white and red hooded robe with boxer shorts carrying a cane. So stupid it's great.

Now we get to the main event. "Ninja: The Final Duel" contains one of the best characters in kung fu movie lore: "The Famous Black Monk from Harlem." I f!@#in' nearly died from laughter when his presence was made, mainly because it's so out of place, much like everything else in this film. The scene he had with Alexander Lou was one of the best scenes in cinema history, with its uproarious dialog. It starts when the Black Monk cremates some headless woman and Alex sees it and gets all pissed off about it and the dialog ensues from this point.

Alex: "You black son of a bitch. You want to hide the evidence."

Black Monk: "You must be jivin'. Don't blame me. I just passing by and found her dead."

Alex: "You expect me to believe it's all a coincidence."

Black Monk: "Brotha, I'm a holy man. I don't kill."

Alex: "A black man travelling in China. SHAOLIN GHETTO FREAK!" [The Black Monk retardedly gasps at the insult.] "Let's see what you're made of, you holy joke." [Fight ensues.]

Black Monk: [Fight stops.] "Just take it easy, man."

Alex: "GHETTO IN THE SKY! That's where you're headed." [Fight continues.]

Black Monk: [Fight stops.] "Oh me ta fa. Don't force me to fight. I'm a peace-lovin' man." [Fight goes and stops.] "You mean to..." [Black Monk looks at the charred remains of the headless woman.] "But sheas ash, so donat give me this trash."

Alex: "Don't give me that rap."

BEST SCENE EVER!!!!!

Along with an incoherent story, crappy set designs and shitty English dubbing, "Ninja: The Final Duel" is a train wreck beyond recognition. The entertainment value is astronomically, insurmountably gargantuan. It's a brilliant masterpiece of absurd stupidity. Anyone who didn't like this film has no soul and likes to kill babies.

Got your attention? Good. Now let's get down to business.

"Ninja: The Final Duel" is a colorful, ultra-kinetic, gore-drenched and delightfully zany taiwanese production that's been shrouded in mystery and a lot of confusion... until now! Complete sequences were reused in "Shaolin Vs. Ninja" and 1999's "Shaolin Dolemite" (yes, Rudy Ray Moore did "Kung Pow!" three years earlier!), and legend says the original cut is 8-hours long. Well... sorry, but that's not accurate. Let me dispel those rumours once and for all, okay?

This little epic had three sequels, ALL named "Ninja: The Final Duel" by overseas distributors on dope. It's hard to keep track of 'em all (the IMDb is never reliable when it comes to asian stuff), and bootleggers used to put all three on one single tape and call it simply "Ninja: The Final Duel", giving rise to the 8-hour production assumption. Versions on TV and home video have bits and pieces of each film mixed in, but the DVD release by Crash Cinema is actually the second volume of the "Ninja" series in its entirety.

For the ones who didn't see part one, a quick recap tells how the japanese ninja clan tried to take over China, only to have their asses handed to them by the Shaolin monks. In shame over the defeat, the Ninja Leader commited sepukku (sissy!). That pissed off this brother, also a ninja boss (I don't know how to spell his name, so I'll call him "Master Pantless"; look at his outfit in the last sequence and you'll know why), who vowed to destroy the entire Shaolin clan.

Meanwhile, we find out that the Shaolin Abbott (Richard Tseng) isn't much thrilled with the victory over the ninjas. Being a peace-loving guy, he closes the temple for visitors and refuses to accept challenges. But the vengeful ninjas break in and wreck havok, leaving a lot of beheaded corpses behind. So the Abbott, aided by japanese envoy Wong Chi Chow (Alexander Lo in full Bruce Lee copycat mode, nose gesture and all) and his comic-relief aide Chian Tin (Charliema Tsu), gathers his forces and goes out to kick Master Pantless ass once again.

Oh well. Just another of those reverent and meaningful revenge plots that are the basis of kung fu movies, correct?

Wrong. Ah, but that's SO wrong you have no idea! "Ninja: The Final Duel" not only gives the Power Rangers a run for their money when it comes to extremely absurd fight scenes and characters, but will have you laughing so hard that it is better not watch it with a full stomach!

The fun starts right in the first scenes, where we see ninjas using their elemental skills (spelled "ELEMET" on the subtitles), while an informative voiceover narrates what we're seein' onscreen. Ninjas not only fly thru the air and disappear at will; they also burrow through sand like Bugs Bunny, ride giant flying aquatic spiders (don't-fucking-ask!) and break large ice blocks. That last part surprised me the most because there were no iceboxes in Medieval China. But then I was introduced to two gay hare-krishna fighters from California (Silvio Azzolini and Ahmed Najja) and a jive-talkin' Black Monk from Harlem (Eugene Thomas, credited as Eugene T. Trammell), so I just sat back and let it slide. This is a Robert Tai movie, folks! The same guy who made "Death Cage" and "Ninja Death"! What was I expecting? Historical accuracy? The soundtrack steals entire cues from "Rambo" and "Ghostbusters", so I wouldn't be surprised to see ninjas using AKs or ghost-catching weapons.

When it comes to action, "Ninja: The Final Duel" is a blast. A BLAST, man! The Swastika Trap choreography must be seen to be believed, and of course there's the famous scene with Alice Tseng, full-frontally naked, facing an army of ninjas. Some sequences are sped up to ridiculous extremes and the wirework is awful, but even that adds to the fun. The fight scene between Master Pantless and the Black Monk at the beach is so over-the-top that you just have to LOVE it.

Okay, so the plot is dumb and is shoddily put together; but if you allow yourself to indulge in the madness at hand, then you are in for an absolute treat. Alexander Lo Rei shines as a "doesn't take any kind of nonsense from anybody" kind of character. His fights are powerful and surprisingly excellently choreographed for what is essentially a B-Movie.

This is no Shaw Brothers classic. In fact this is as far away from Shaw's efforts as you can possibly get. It's 90 minutes (approx) of silly, off the wall, laugh out loud kung fu action.

Those of you that want a break from the serious kung fu flicks and want something beyond the silliness of something like "Drunken Master" or even "Miracle Fighters" then look no further.

This is trashy, but a trashy gem like no other. Seek it out and let yourself be entertained.