Normally, picking up possible movies to review for this site via bargain bins is an exercise in futility. Once in a great while, you might stumble upon a gem, but more often than not, you're getting what you paid for. And in this case, the $1.50 your friendly neighborhood webmaster plunked down for this disc might have been more than a bit generous considering the amount of entertainment it generated. That same amount of cash could have bought a cheap beer during happy hour, and even if you've ingested more than your fair share of hoppy beverages, you'd be hard-pressed to eke out an iota of true enjoyment from a screening of this clunker.

From the start, you know you're in for a rough ride, as we're "treated" to some hammy narration, where some guy (apparently hiding in a public toilet somewhere due to the amount of slapback and echo) gives some half-ass "facts" about Chinese history that are going to end up making you even more confused. Basically, the emperor is bad, and his top general (Lo Lieh) is even worse, going so far as to slaughter the family of one of the emperor's main advisors. A rebel (Pai Ying) saves one of the advisor's kids, who, of course, is an annoying brat, but also happens to have a secret message for the leader of the rebels. Grabbing a baby cart from his brother, Pai heads off to find the rebel leader, fighting a motley crew of villains along the way.

The plot, while simple, would be serviceable enough if the film-makers didn't feel the need to adopt a very confusing style that depends way too much on flashbacks. There's also too many characters thrown into the mix, which makes the story feel that much more muddled. The action holds some glimmers of hope at points, mostly due to the various unique weapons featured, but most of the fights are over far too fast to create any real stimulation or interest. Ultimately, Thousand Mile Escort is just yet another poorly-made and forgettable old-school flick that deserves to stay in the bargain bin.

During the reign of Sun Rei Xiang, the enemies of China invaded and martial law was declared. Prime Minister Chin Kwei rules the land with an iron fist, employing the ruthless swordsman Shao Leung (Lo Lieh) as his captain of the guard to destroy those who oppose the corrupt Emperor’s will. During Chin Kwei’s practice session of his guards, rebel leader Zen Ja Ti (Pai Ying) shows up to challenge Chin Kwei’s authority. The Prime Minster offers Zen Ja Ti a choice, join his army or die. He defies the Prime Minister and easily escapes. Chin Kwei turns his attention to Zen Ja Ti’s family in the village who are suspected of aiding rebels. Shao Leung orders his men to kill everyone in the extended family. Zen Ja Ti rescues his nephew (a little boy) in the family and promises to protect him from the attackers. Meanwhile, the Prime Minister composes a secret message to the Emperor. Zen Ja Ti and the boy steal the scroll containing the secret message. The loyal Shao Leung discusses with his wife (Michele Lai) that he must use every method at his command to regain the scroll. She offers to use her skills as an assassin to help out her husband or die trying.

Zen Ja Ti places the boy inside a wooden pushcart for protection across the hazardous terrain. He plans on delivering the secret scroll to his rebel accomplices and the road ahead of them is fraught with the Emperor’s military and deadly assassins. Thankfully, Zen Ja Ti fights like a tiger, using his lethal staff to cut short any opposition. On occasion, a mysterious masked woman (Chia Ling) knowledgeable in the martial arts appears to help them overcome the odds. The strange thing is she quickly vanishes without any explanation. Shao Leung’s wife is an assassin determined to kill Zen Ja Ti and the boy. She puts up a hell of a fight, but she can’t overcome his skills with a staff. Upon learning of his wife’s death, Shao Leung pledges to personally destroy Zen Ja Ti and retrieve the stolen scroll. Shao Leung and his guards intercept Zen Ja Ti and an all out battle begins with Zen Ja Ti saving Shao Lung for last. Zen Ja Ti stands ready to pit his staff against the skilled swordsmanship of Shao Leung, until once again the mysterious woman appears and attempts to talk both of them to join forces. Shao Leung hesitates, but remembers the death of his wife. The woman soon disappears and the two warriors finally clash, pitting sword against staff. Zen Ja Ti has his work cut out for him, as Shao Leung targets the boy as well. If he is to protect the boy and deliver the scroll, Zen Ja Ti must overcome the swordmaster Shao Leung.

Not only does Pai Ying’s career mirror that of Jimmy Wang Yu’s, his fighting style does so as well. Instead of beating his opponents with fancy punches or kicks, Ying prefers to bludgeon his enemies with staffs, swords, or other instruments of death. In THOUSAND MILES ESCORT, Ying fights with a loaded trick staff that actually shoots hidden daggers at his opponents. So the fight choreography is rather choppy. Chia Ling is pretty much wasted here, as the filmmakers use her only as a third party (mysterious onlooker) to the unfolding events. In other words, she shows up at critical times and tries to save the fat of Pai Ying before disappearing again without a word. Perhaps it was one of those instances where the producers could only afford her for a few days, shot her scenes on a weekend, then edited them throughout the picture. And even her few fight scenes are completely non-indicative of her abilities.

Thank god Lo Lieh is in this picture, the only major player to possess true martial arts talent and gets some good screen time. It’s Lieh who employs his far-reaching Kung Fu skills to make Pai Ying look good in their ongoing duels. His swordsmanship is impeccable and provides one of the sole reasons to see THOUSAND MILES ESCORT. I like what the filmmakers do with Lieh’s character. They allow for plenty of screen time to develop his personae. Very different from his roles in superior films like DIRTY HO, where there is no character development for him at all. He kicks ass in DIRTY HO as the corrupt general, but does little more than make an appearance at the climatic battle (and doesn’t really have much dialog). For THOUSAND MILES ESCORT, the script fully explores his character and plants the seeds for a complete progression to heroic character. However, once Pai Ying kills his assassin wife, it’s Lo Lieh who swears revenge on the protagonist (isn’t it usually the hero who swears vengeance on the villain?). One aspect of the plot that I don’t appreciate is the direct stealing from the Lone Wolf and Cub franchise, with Pai Ying pushing his snot-nosed nephew around in a wooden cart as they avoid assassins on the road. This little kid is no Daigoro. I appreciate some of the unique touches to THOUSAND MILES ESCORT, but for every original idea a dozen more are stolen.

SIGHT
Brentwood Communications presents THOUSAND MILES ESCORT in the full frame format, truncated from the film’s original 2.35.1 ratio. The source print exhibits some wear and scratches, but is surprisingly sharp and colorful considering its 1976 origins and low budget nature (and cheap film stock). Brentwood’s transfer is relatively pleasing and comparable to the decent work seen on Tai Seng’s Martial Arts Theater line. The color is not washed out--it’s fully saturated and at times takes on an overly reddish hue. The biggest problem with the presentation is the poorly done panning and scanning process which severely hampers the weapons work and cheapens the already-low production values. The choreography is overall rather sheepish (except for Lo Lieh’s swordmans skills), though the outcome is often quite bloody. The gore effects are realistic for the time, but don’t come close to matching the intensity or creativity of Chang Cheh’s violent films. The opening title credits are completely in Chinese.

SOUND
The sound is Dolby Digital Mono 2.0. Here is what totally ruins any entertainment value the movie may have had. Yes, it’s true—THOUSAND MILES ESCORT features the worst English dubbing of all time!!! This makes the dubbing for FLAG OF IRON sound scholarly in comparison. If you are into Kung Fu, you’ve listened to dub tracks for years. When you listen to the dialog in THOUSAND MILES ESCORT, it puts everything into perspective and you really appreciate those dubs you once considered "bad". This sounds like some Japanese anime company went in and redid the voices. Every word has a canned, overdone, studio feel to it. Not only are the voices terrible (especially the women), but the translation is the worst I’ve ever seen. Names of characters are changed in every other scene (as if the vocal actors couldn’t keep track of who’s who). To make matters worse, the dialog drowns out the sound effects and library music. This painful soundtrack makes sitting through THOUSAND MILES ESCORT a real chore.

FEATURES
The only extra is a text based essay called About Kung Fu, that explores the historical origins of Shaolin Kung Fu.

CONCLUSION
THOUSAND MILES ESCORT features some intriguing characters and ideas, but the end result is disappointment. There is much action in THOUSAND MILES ESCORT, very little of it is actual fight choreography (stabbings and clubbings hardly qualify as complex martial arts sequences). May be worth a viewing for Lo Lieh completeists only. The English dubbing drives the final nail in the coffin, as its the absolute worst ever heard by these ears. There are some other some gems to be found in Brentwood’s Fists of Fire, Swords of Death box set, though THOUSAND MILES ESCORT is not one of them.