Only two things stop me from giving this a perfect rating. #1: As you may know already, it just twists my panties up when Hollywood makes these martial arts flicks and seem to forget to cast martial artists for the lead roles. This can often depreciate the spectrum of suspension of disbelief, but thankfully we have Yuen Wo Ping and Zoe Bell to smooth out those rough edges. #2 This movie is volume 1, meaning that it is one half of a movie and other issues and factors of volume two affect this movie as a result. I have several problems with volume 2 but we will get into that another time. Here is a little taste: Why the fuck does she bother going through all the trouble to get this dope ass, high quality sword for a five second sword fight that ends with a hokey "secret kung fu technique"?!? Her final battle with Bill was insulting. She didn't even need a sword to take on Krusty the Bill and she could have just shot up the "House of Blue Leaves" or whatever so why get the sword? But, alas, I digress. I definitely think that volume one is much better than volume two but I'm a samurai man myself (like you couldn't tell) so I can see how those cowboys out there might disaree with me.

As a film on its own that stands on an unanswered cliff hanger I give it 4.5 stars, but if I were to grade it as a whole including volume 2 I would give it 3.5 stars for the simple fact that the second act (much like "Battle Royale 2") disregards all of the sensibilities of the first act. I know that was the point but it was still annoying.

FINAL SUMMATION: Very enjoyable and energetic genre meld (it's a crime noir/kung fu/samurai/revenge/dramedy). The bloody end battles will keep you giddy for hours after viewing. Entertaining and worth every cent. Quentin cranks out quality. Repeatedly. Get it if you don't got it; you will have fun. Thanks for the time. I'll be at you.

TWENTY MOVIES THAT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF "CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON" IN EITHER MARTIAL ARTS OR OVERALL GRANDEUR: (in no particular order)

1. "Seven Samurai"
2. "Once Upon A Time In China"
3. "Fist Of Legend"
4. "A Man Called Hero"
5. "Seven Swords"
6. "In The Line Of Duty 4"
7. "Tom Yum Goong"
8. "Ong Bak"
9. "Iron Monkey" (the Tsui Hark one)
10. "Prodigal Son"
11. "Enter The Dragon"
12. "Blade Of Fury"
13. "Hero" (Jet Li)
14. "Dragons Forever"
15. "SPL"
16. "Dragon Tiger Gate"
17. "Lone Wolf And Cub" (all of them)
18. "Versus"
19. "Duel To The Death"
20. "Star Wars" (again, all of them)

There are many moments of creative brilliance and comedic excellence, yet it still maintained a good amount of homage content. Completely needed for a complete Asian film collection if only to see soccer balls get jump-spin-kicked. All around fun. And it's that good kind of humor that just makes you feel good inside like when you watched Paris Hilton go to jail.

About a couple of weeks back I sat down to watch two movies: "The Shepherd: Border Patrol"--the most recent (to my knowledge) Jean Claude Van Damme straight-to-DVD offering (he was a big martial arts/action star from the 80's and early to mid 90's); and "In The Name Of The King"--a sword and sorcery flick that was based on a role playing game and stars Jason Statham (a British actor, not a martial artist). Guess which one was a better martial arts movie. Very good, you folks have a good sense of build-up. It shouldn't have surprised me, though (in all honesty, I didn't realize that Tony Ching directed the choreography of "In The Name Of The King" before I watched it, so, yeah, that was an unfair advantage). I mean, I used to be a big Van Damme fan--when I was twelve. I got older, my martial arts repertoire got broader and better. His didn't. I found myself capable of doing all kinds of nifty shit that I don't think Brussels boy has even dreamed of. After that, Jean Claude's generic and static "style" just lost all of its draw. I just couldn't become one of those folks waiting for the next straight to video JCVD flick all complacent and shit with the same eight goddamn kicks he has been recycling year after year. In a lot of ways I have Jean Claude Van Damme to thank for turning me to Asian cinema for better stuff. It made me the bastard I am today. Thanks, dude.

Do you know how that fool got his big break? He approached a producer of b movies and kicked over the man's head and told the gullible bastard that he was a European kickboxing champ! Years later the investigative television show, Hard Copy, did a show on his authenticity. Turns out he has never been a kickboxer or a kickboxing champion sanctioned by anybody. Ever. Like it took half-assed journalism to tell a world full of martial artists that no man who throws a punch like a little, blind girl could ever hold a kickboxing title. Sorry folks he's just a ballerina that took some karate lessons back in the day. And he may or may not have done some gay porn at one point. Oh, and he definitely got his ass kicked by a biker/stuntman in public once. While we're on it, the man can hold a kick in the air but he has no control whatsoever. Numerous co-stars from his movies have stated on many occasions that during filming Jean Claude would actually hit them during takes. Often. He has also blinded a stuntman in one eye while filming a knife fight in the movie "Cyborg" due to (at least in part) the fact that he has had no formal training in any type of knife fighting. I'm not making this shit up. The man is a fool. Call him what you want, but that asshole ain't no martial artist.

But I've ranted quite a bit, so let's talk about this flick. It's what you should probably expect. Generic. Isaac Florentine tries to do the whole spagetti western thing with the music, cinematography and pacing. He doesn't nail--at all. The fights were not that bad, but I found myself constantly waiting for Scott Adkins to come and whoop somebody's ass, but it wasn't happening often enough. Honestly the fights did get kind of fun, but there are just not enough of them to save this turkey.

I was pretty generous with my rating and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I saw something in it that entertained me in a funny way. Maybe I live too close to power lines. Who knows, but I say grow up in style. Put "Time Cop" in the closet so it doesn't get some of its lame funk on "Super Cop" by sitting next to it in the cabinet. Don't get me wrong though, Jean Claude Van Damme has made some pretty entertaining flicks, but he should have quit a long time ago.

TEN VAN DAMME MOVIES THAT ACTUALLY ROCK:

1. "Bloodsport"
2. "No Retreat,No Surrender"
3. "Universal Soldier"
4. "Hard Target"
5. "Lion Heart"
6. "Cyborg"
7. "Kickboxer"
8. "Double Team"
9. "Double Impact"
10. "Death Warrant

The real eye catcher of this flick is Brad Allen. He is a member of the Jackie Chan stunt man team and has two stand-out, high quality throwdowns with the Chan-man himself. These battles resonate with the energy and sharpness of the classic Jackie vs. Benny "The Jet" fights.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE SLICK AND FAMOUS: There is a dope fight involving Jackie, some guys and bunch of baseball bats. Nice. Brad Allen is still an unknown and it's a shame, because with his clean technique and fierce agility he can probably hang with all the big boys. In the end fight versus Jackie, Brad executes a jumping QUADRUPLE front kick! No strings attached. Seriously.

FINAL WORDS FROM A BASTARD: Ignore the lame love story and get it because you like to see people kick and punch each other. And that is your right. Power to the people! I need more coffee, I'm losin' it over here...

"Enter The Dragon" put kung fu on the map in a big way. It was also the first real mixed martial arts movie--and I mean real mixed martial arts, not this new wave, hybrid Brazilian Jujitsu mixed with half-assed kickboxing, cage fighting, don't-know-how-to-throw a clean technique to save my life, jock bullshit. No, I mean an early melding of expert martial artists from all over the world with the most fluid mixture of masterful choreography. The film put to use more martial arts than you can shake a stick at, such as boxing, Hapkido, Wing Chun, Jeet Kune Do, Shotokan, Tae Kwon Do, Judo, and Jujitsu, just to name a few. This movie reigns supreme with some of the best fight scenes put to film--some that have not been matched or topped (like when Bruce clowns Bob Wall like he was a Girl Scout).

But that's all just personal bias. Let's look at it from a technical aspect. There were excellent acting performances across the board. Quality direction (thanks, Bruce) and a story chock full of espionage, gambling, womanizing, and noir-esque shady, stand-out characters. It stands as the original template for all tournament fighting movies that followed but is infinitely more quotable. In fact it is one of the most quotable movies of all time. Filled with dope lines like: "Why doesn't somebody pull out a forty-five and, bang, settle it?" and "Man, you come right out of a comic book", or the classic, "Boards don't hit back", as well as countless others. Many folks have stated in the past how Jim Kelly was the "token black guy" of the movie, but I got to say I'm not feelin' that. Jim Kelly was just more of a stand-out bad-ass with his own slick and pimp vibe. If anything, John Saxon was the "token white guy". The first time you see that cat in a flashback he is playing golf. He loves to scheme and gamble. And the first time he is offered some women he wants the one that wasn't even offered. And he gets her. Token white guy. He was quite the player though, with his always-too-smooth trademark line: "Wanna bet?" There you go, another memorable quote.

All in all, I say this movie truly stands the test of time and exudes such a rich level of quality that I enjoy watching it every time that I do. I have probably seen this movie about 45 (or more) times in the last 25 years. My last viewing of it was about a couple of months ago, and I can't wait to see it again. This is truly landmark entertainment at its finest.

HIGHLIGHTS AND FUNKY STUFF: Watch for Lam Ching Ying's show stealing, tour de force acting performance. Good training sequences. Beware of the dude with the rings--he is a straight up killer with slick moves for days.

FINAL SUMMATION: Awesome. Mandatory. Will not cause swelling or bloating. Consult a doctor if effects last for more then four hours. Quality checked and tested on animals...because their pain is funny.