The fight scenes were creative, as with almost all Jackie Chan outings, but again, they seemed to fall flat for one reason or another. Perhaps it was Jackie showing his age, or the fact that he had to work with unfamiliar faces; but whatever the reason, the fight scenes just seemed to come off sluggish and uninspired. Jackie's brilliance in fight choreography has always been his inventiveness, but even Jackie couldn't save these bar-room brawls from amounting to much more than a series of clichéd table-flips, bottle breaks, and all-too-familiar balcony falls.

While I still think this film is a must for any Jackie Chan or Owen Wilson fan, it may not be all you're hoping for. However, it definitely does have its moments, and the behind-the-scenes footage will endear the actors to you if nothing else will. All in all, 3 out of 5 stars.

Some advice to director Andrew Lau: All these "semi-sequels" to other films you've made are fun, but don't use the same actors as different characters in the same settings. If you have actors play the same roles they did in related films, treat them with the same care you did before. And when picking songs for your movie's soundtrack, try to find singers who have at least a vague understanding of intonation.

This film honestly isn't about the characters, and it's not a realistic police procedural. It's just about people kicking butt...hard. If you're up to some pretty harsh violence and plenty of drawn out merciless beatings--with everything from aluminum bats to coat racks to barbed wire--then this is the film for you. Sit back and let Yuen Wo Ping show you every way that a person can be beaten up.

Don't get us wrong, it's not just a series of ultra-violent fights, but these fights are a lot more brutal than those in most action films. It should also be mentioned that these fight scenes are surprisingly engaging and creatively choreographed; and Donnie Yen proves yet again that he is one of today's most underrated martial artists. His speed and style are incredible, and are both displayed nicely here.

His friend, Fei Chun (Sammo Hung), urges him not to act rashly, not to fall into Boss Mo's trap. Fei Chun suggests that he instead train with his master to learn the Yung Chun (Wing Chun) martial art form. He maintains that this is the only way Chen Hua would be able to stand up to his foes and emerge victorious.

What follows is a surprisingly terse series of training sequences in the vein of "Shaolin Master Killer", but much more compressed. It is unclear how long the training period is supposed to last, but it seems to last a day or two at best. In any case, Chen Hua eventually emerges from training as Gordon Liu has so many times from various Shaolin monasteries: as the ultimate bad-ass. Teaming up with Fei Chun and his sister, the head out to confront the tainted bankers in one of the great fights committed to film.

Warriors Two, while consistently enjoyable, does feel a bit "off" at times. As mentioned earlier, the timeline is never established clearly, and so detracts from the scope of what our main character is undertaking. And there are several scenes that seem to mix comedy in where it is completely inappropriate (for example, Fei Chun and Chen Hua joking around as Fei Chun's sister lays dead beside them). Also, the fight scenes with Iron Body (Lau Kar Wing) are surprisingly amateurish and at times a bit embarrassing to watch, especially the uncomfortable wide shots where you can really see his lack of balance and fluidity.

Luckily, the bad fight scenes are few, and are all but overshadowed by the many excellent ones featuring Casanova or Sammo. Even during the few times when the martial arts performances leave something to be desired, Sammo's choreography saves the day--in fact, the film's first 3-1/2 minutes alone should win you over! In particular, there are several scenes where Sammo is fighting four others, and it's so nice to see all four attackers actually attack him at the same time! Sammo is fully capable of fending them all off in creative ways. Another plus is Casanova Wong's entire performance, which is impressive to say the least. It is unclear at times whether under-cranking is used to speed up the film--sometimes it done obviously for comedic effect--but regardless, Casanova Wong seems to move with lightning speed and pinpoint precision--a thrill to watch.

In conclusion, this film has some great oddball Chinese humor, plenty of impressive and memorable fights, and a coherent story. We are more than willing to overlook its shortcomings and recommend it to anyone who's looking for a great martial arts piece. We especially recommend this film to fans of Sammo Hung, who should be delighted at his screen time, his vibrancy, his choreography, and his fighting. As many films as he's made, there really aren't too many that feature him in this many good fights; so if you're still skeptical and wondering what all the fuss is about this "Sammo" guy, this film should hopefully show you the light.

Unfortunately, just as the fishboat seems to be really getting some momentum going--and we the viewers are starting to build up our hopes that the film will be nothing more than a couple hours of frolicking fishboat footage--the ocean begins to recede into the ground, and the seagoing practicality of the fishboat is soon put to the test. The fishboat doesn't seem to be faring too well in the struggle against the current, which is pulling it out to sea. Of course, this only makes for more exciting viewing, as the fishboat struggles desperately to tread water, peddling and paddling frantically in the now shallow waters. Luckily for the fishboat's occupant, it eventually makes it ashore, as its big round nose dramatically enters the screen frame left and the child's fathers rush in to save him from the ocean.

The trio quickly head for home, where there appears to be a large metal robot in their basement-slash-command-center. No mention is made of why there is a large metal robot in their basement, or why their basement is one huge command center, or what their huge command center commands. Presumably, the filmmakers didn't want the audience getting too far ahead of the complex plot. The only clue we have is a large diagram on the wall in the shape of the robot, with flashing lights for each part of the robot's body--including the crotch, which has a nice red flashing light (notice during one scene that the crotch light is burned out?--don't ask). It is soon revealed that one of the two men has invented this robot, whose purpose is none too clear (sex toy? janitor? landscape architect?). We even get to witness the exciting moment when the proud inventor gives his robot a name--no, not Crotchbot--Jet Jaguar. "Jet Jaguar?" you ask yourself? "Why would they name it 'Jet Jaguar' when it isn't jet-like or jaguar-like, and the name 'Crotchbot' wasn't even taken yet?" The inventor soon explains his reasoning: "Jet Jaguar, that's a good name". Can't argue with logic like that...

As soon as the would-be Crotchbot is christened Jet Jaguar, the trio are assaulted and tied up by an unknown assailant, and Jet Jaguar is hijacked and the command center commandeered. The assailants soon reveal that they are none other than representatives of the underwater kingdom of Seatopia, and they proceed to divulge all the intricate details of their plan for Earth's destruction. Apparently, their argument is that they don't like the Earth people's tendency to test nuclear weapons and wage war. And so they plan to destroy the Earth in order to end...war? Yes. But wait, it gets better: their leader is a moist middle-aged white guy with very hairy shoulders wearing a satin toga, a skirt, tights, and a tiara--we ask you, does it get any better than this? In a dramatic speech to his people, he declares that he will release "Megalon" (a power-drill-like underwater cockroach that flies, and who shoots bombs from his mouth and lasers from his tele-tubby-like antenna). Megalon is to be sent topside to spearhead Seatopia's battle to destroy Earth in the name of...peace? Yes. Once topside, Megalon is to rendezvous with Jet Jaguar and coordinate the Earth's destruction.

Though the Seatopians have control of Jet Jaguar's command center, Jet Jaguar's inventors have other plans. They are luckily able to escape from captivity, in a memorable scene where they are thrown about a mile through the air, only to land safely. They then stop by a model shop (which coincidentally has on display every model used in the production of this film) and pick up a remote control airplane. This airplane, they reason, is the perfect weapon to use against the Seatopian who has taken over control of their basement command center. Sure enough, they ring the doorbell of the command center, and when he answers, they fly that little SOB right into his face. Who would have ever guessed model airplanes could be used for such purposes? They are soon able to intercept Jet Jaguar and reprogram him to go fetch Godzilla to defend Tokyo against the Seatopian nemeses.

Jet Jaguar heads out for Monster Island (yes, really), gives some clumsy hand signals, and makes some odd noises at Godzilla; and that seems to convince Godzilla to come save Tokyo. Jet Jaguar and Godzilla, now a full-fledged crime-fighting duo, head back to Tokyo with the intent of destroying Megalon and any other Seatopian empathizers that cross their path. (Let's get this straight: Godzilla and Jet Jaguar refuse to have their war-like nation threatened by the war-faring peacemongers of Seatopia, so they declare a war on peace? Wait, no, Godzilla and Jet Jaguar want peace, so they declare a war on war? No, wait...agh, forget it.) As an added bonus, Jet Jaguar spontaneously decides to increase his size so that he is roughly that of Godzilla. He also decides that he will no longer take orders from his inventors, but rather will act on his own free will. (Note: Jet Jaguar has a habit of increasing or decreasing his size depending on whom he's standing next to, a person or a monster.)

The hairy toga greaseball czar from Seatopia, seeing that his Megalon is now outnumbered, summons Gigan to assist--Gigan, of course, being the exceptionally pointy pterodactyl-like Cyclops from outer space. And thus the epic tag-team battle begins: Jet Jaguar (now in large mode) with Godzilla vs. Megalon with Gigan.

We won't divulge the highly climactic ending for fear of ruining the shocking surprise of who wins and who loses, but suffice it to say that the Seatopians will think twice next time they decide to initiate a war for...peace? Yes.

Virtually everything about this film is enjoyable. The lead character, Shin Kazama, is three dimensional, and is a nice moral change of pace from the all-too-common kill-em-all cowboy cliché so common in most actioners. Shin's plight is tragic: he has been tricked into a life of war and chaos; and ironically, he fights and kills for love--to return to his fiancee in Japan. Every day that Shin is forced to continue flying his missions of mass death and destruction is another day that a little piece of him dies inside. His struggle is to block out the horrible deeds he's being forced to commit, and keep his sights on returning to the love of his life, and to normalcy.

Granted, even though the emotional backdrop is one of unbearable tragedy and guilt and longing, there are still plenty of beautifully directed action sequences to keep you on the edge of your seat throughout the feature. In fact, because the filmmakers have developed a character as empathic as Shin, to whom you can really relate, the action sequences take on an almost epic meaning--Shin isn't just fighting a faceless foe for the sake of some militant third world country, he's fighting a constant physical and emotional battle to stay sane and earn his ticket home.

We highly recommend this beautiful film for all fans of animation, aviation, action, and thoughtful character-driven stories. There truly is something for everyone in this exciting tale of a righteous man imprisoned within the despicable morals of his oppressors.

In the interests of futility, however, we will attempt to explain things for you briefly. On an Earth-like planet far away, there lived a race of creatures similar to humans. Like humans, they polluted their planet mercilessly and waged war on each other every chance they got. Eventually, the planet became so uninhabitable that the entire race died out and all that was left were the cockroaches. These cockroaches--though able to sustain life on this damaged planet--decide to come to Earth and take over. To do this, they first send down a few of their best, who proceed to "take over" some human bodies. Exactly how they do this is never addressed. All we know is that after they "take over" a human, they speak, look and act just like a human; but their shadows are cockroach-shaped. You still with us?

Now, these cockroach people--like all alien races desiring to hijack a planet--have a master plan. It is rather vague as far as master plans go, but it is fun to watch. Their plan consists of building a children's amusement park that doubles as an anti-Godzilla attack station. Why kill Godzilla? Well, their reasoning on this is a bit vague, but it seems they think that Godzilla is the only thing that might be able to protect the human race from them. So, they build their amusement park and recruit a couple monsters from outer space, and summon Godzilla to try and finish him off for good.

All the while, our main character--a despicable cartoonist of questionable sexual orientation--is sneaking around and acting generally suspicious of the cockroach people. He eventually hooks up with a couple of peace activists who suspect that the cockroach people are up to no good. One of them, a rotund, long-haired man, always seems to be eating some type of phallus-shaped food. Either it's a banana, or a strategically-eaten ear of corn, but it's always something long and uncomfortable to watch. The other activist is a woman, who proves to be the gutsiest of the group, managing to steal some secret audio recording from the roach people. This recording, it turns out, is what the roach people use to control their ally monster buddies.

It really all goes downhill from there, when Godzilla teams up with the imbecilic Anguillas, some type of prehistoric stegosaurus/porcupine hybrid. Of particular note is the scene in which Godzilla talks to Anguillas, "Come On!" A Godzilla first... Once the two are underway, it becomes apparent that Anguillas' talents are centered around getting his butt kicked repeatedly. In fact, all he does throughout most of the picture is whine loudly and get in Godzilla's way. Nonetheless, it's fun to watch a guy in a crazy rubber porcupine suit walking around on his knees everywhere getting beaten up.

We can only recommend this film to fans of garbage cinema, but to those people we recommend it wholeheartedly. This film is a dream come true for Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans; and it should bring a smile to even the most cynical face. The whole film is a true masterpiece of lunacy, and as such will always hold a proud place in our hearts.

Things start out in a kung fu school, where Shen Sin (known as "Young Tiger", or "Little Tiger") is challenged to a bout with some local rich-kid wannabe kung fu fighter snob. The rich kid even brings photographers with him to record the event--he's so sure he'll defeat Young Tiger, he offers to send him a wheelchair ramp after the fight. Young Tiger gives the kid a run for his money and ends up putting him in an embarrassing headlock, making sure to instruct the photographers to record it.

After the fight, the kung fu students all leave school to go their separate ways. On his way home, Young Tiger spots the rich kid being accosted by a gang of men--it seems he owes them some money and is a little late on his payment. Young Tiger rushes in to help, and wakes up later with a bad knock on the noggin and a murder rap. The rich kid had been murdered, and the gang framed Young Tiger for the whole thing. Now Young Tiger must escape from jail, clear his name, and bring the gangsters to justice!

While the film isn't one that could be taken seriously, it offers a solid hour and a half of energetic fights and unintentionally hilarious '70s kitsch. Add to the mix several car chases (one involving a three-wheeled ice cream cart!), an elaborate blackmail scam involving a decidedly transsexual-looking woman, and a garden tea party with a frighteningly effeminate pink phone, and you've got more good times than you can shake a stick at.

We absolutely do not recommend this film for people who are looking for a serious martial arts film with intriguing characters, elaborate sets, or intricately choreographed fights. We do, however, highly recommend this film to anyone who can see the humor in things and enjoys fun, low budget, sloppy films--films which we feel entertain just as much in their own silly way. This one's got character--plenty of it--and shouldn't be missed.

Every morning, Mr. Waiter has to go over to the bean curd shop to pick up the day's supply, and he uses this time to practice and discuss his martial arts with Mr. Bean Curd. Mr. Waiter explains how during his childhood, his father wouldn't let him eat unless he could snatch some food away from dear old dad. Subsequently, he became very adept at using anything and everything as a weapon, often using bowls and chopsticks to duel with dad to earn his evening meal. He demonstrates this to Mr. Bean Curd, who is impressed by Mr. Waiter's versatility.

Mr. Waiter, in turn, is very impressed by Mr. Bean Curd's talents. We soon learn that Bean Curd was taken in by a martial arts master who never spoke a word, and whose name Bean Curd never learned. But his years of training with the silent master endowed him with great skills using his Mantis Style. The two foodservice workers soon confide in each other and agree that they must die famous, they must accomplish something great within their lifetimes. Until that day however, they will just keep sparring and causing trouble...

One day, a mysterious man comes into the restaurant and seems to be badly injured. After he collapses outside the shop, Mr. Waiter takes him in and tucks him away in a back room, calling over Mr. Bean Curd and some others to check him out. They discover that he is a true Chinese hero, a rebel patriot who has been fighting bravely for the rights of China's citizens. When he comes to, he asks for a special medicine made of ground rhino horn, and the ragtag foodservice duo have to resort to some nefarious means to get enough money to purchase this pricey potion. They are also joined by two others, who are anxious to help save this important man.

Don't try too hard to figure out who the people are who join our protagonists, or what their relationships to them are, because it's all pretty thin. What matters is that they can all kick butt in various ways, and after nursing Mr. Patriot back to health, they have a leader and a teacher. They all vow to save him from his pursuers, the vicious government posse that's tracking him down to eliminate him. They decide that this will be their chance to do something important with their lives, and they commit 100% to the project.

What follows is an epic martial arts battle between the government henchman and the five warrior patriots. As you can probably imagine, what follows is a butt-kicking to end all butt-kickings, and surely one for the history books. Using various weapons and styles--and aided by a weird musical score that sounds kind of like a mix between a broken record of The Phantom Of The Opera and a baseball game in Transylvania--the combatants give their all and initiate a fight to the death to save their hero and protect their freedoms.

This film absolutely has more fighting in it than any other we've seen. For its 107-minute running time, at least 90 minutes are made up of sparring, fighting, or playful martial arts antics. While it's a bit hard to care too much about the characters--who are truly bizarre, even for a film of this genre--the skill and relentless energy displayed by these masters of kung fu is a spectacle unlike any other. All things told, this film offers a great time in many ways, and is a must-see for any fan of high-octane cinema.

Oh, we almost forgot, there was also a really long, slow, and boring fan dance number in the middle of the film, which felt like a bad director's desperate attempt to fill up some more time. So, when you combine an otherwise slow and boring film with epically poor martial arts--it seems almost amazing the collection of poor martial artists assembled in this film--you get nothing more than a waste of time. There may be a good fight at the end, but we wouldn't know since we didn't make it past the first sixty minutes... There are so many other movies out there that are better than this one in every way, we simply recommend passing on this yawner.

Fifty minutes later, after our excruciating tour of Thailand's elephant festival, King Boxer meets up with his kickboxing friend and some semblance of a story begins to materialize. It turns out that King Boxer is on vacation visiting friends in Thailand, and that he runs a martial arts school back in China (or Hong Kong). While he's in Thailand, his students and his sister are keeping the school running for him. In Thailand, he teaches his friend his famed "knife technique", which allows a fighter to use his bare hands as knives.

While King Boxer is elephanting it up in Thailand, his school back home is in trouble. A rival Japanese martial arts instructor, Tu Pien (played by Yasuaki Kurata), has smashed the signboard of King Boxer's school, and seems to be moving in on his sister against her will--he seems as if he will stop at nothing to get her.

King Boxer returns home at last, and his sister collapses into his arms, desperate for him to protect her from the evil Tu Pien. KB battles with Tu Pien and kicks his butt hard, stopping short of killing him at his sister's request, and Tu Pien agrees to replace KB's signboard. It seems the thrashing he's just gotten from KB hasn't deterred him from trying to get to KB's sister, however...

Tu Pien returns to his school and beings to plot KB's death, his reasoning being that if he kills him, his sister will be his...? And so begins a series of ruthless attacks by Tu Pien designed to bring about the ultimate downfall of KB.

We're not big fans of Mang Fei--his fighting always seems a bit weak and unsteady, and he just seems generally dopey. The true gem of this film is Yasuaki Kurata, whose character in this film is absolutely deplorable. Kurata's fighting is an obvious standout in this film--he's steady, incredibly fast, smooth, and accurate. It's too bad his character is the one you're supposed to hate--and hate him you will, he's truly evil--because his fighting is a joy to watch. However, it feels like Kurata is the only one in the film who really knows his craft, and the rest of the actors are just moving props. There's lots of blood and fighting in the second half of the film, but much of it comes off as amateurish and silly. Why three stars then? The film (second half) has an energy that draws you in. You really really hate the bad guy, and you just want to see him get beaten up. A movie that can make you talk to the screen has done something right, and we found ourselves doing exactly that several times.

All in all, this movie was just too weird to believe. There's the whole first 50 minutes, with this unbelievably sappy lounge music and all the Thailand stuff; and then there's the second half, which is a bit amateurish and sloppy, but engaging nonetheless--and features Kurata, who is excellent. If you're into movies that are so bad they're good, want to see something kooky and kitschy, or you're simply willing to drop a few bucks on an oddball film that is unlike any other you've seen, we recommend this film--the second half is truly enjoyable, and Kurata may even be worth the small price of admission alone. But if you're not yet caught up on the truly great Shaw Brothers, Yuen Wo Ping, and other classic martial arts films--or if you're just picky about what films you allow into your collection--perhaps it would be better to keep browsing and look for something a bit more substantial.

Kurata is excellent as always as "The Bad Japanese Guy"--he seems to have his evil glares and faux pleasantries down pat. His martial arts are always impressive to watch, but you have to wonder if he ever got sick of being cast as "The Bad Japanese Guy"...

There are no revelations in this film, nothing that hasn't been done to death already, but we enjoyed watching it anyway. There's no one fight scene that makes you lunge for the "rewind" button on your remote, and the one woman in the film--the homely Eurasian, Irene Ryder--is none too exciting to look at. But there is a storyline, and there are fights all through the movie, and Chan Sing and Yasuaki Kurata are both a blast to watch--especially in their final duel on the beach. This is a good one for completists and those of you who have already brought yourself up to speed on the Shaw Brothers catalog and the other classics. It should also appeal to those of you who--like us--enjoy 1970s films simply for their '70s-ness. In particular, hearing the "Shaft" theme song playing while Chan Sing was running to a battle brought a wide smile to our faces.

Mang Fei plays Fong Sai Yuk, an idealistic young Chinese kung fu prodigy who makes a habit of defending people who have been wronged. The film starts out with a cricket fight--no, not cricket the sport, cricket the insect--which Fong Sai Yuk's cricket wins. His opponents are quick to object, claiming that FSY's cricket...cheated? Yeah. Anyway, a fight breaks out and FSY accidentally kills one of the men, a member of a rival martial arts school. FSY's father is soon murdered for revenge, and thus begins the story: FSY must defeat the rival school masters to avenge his father's death. Only problem? He's not good enough.

From here, the film follows a formula similar to "Fist Of The White Lotus", where FSY trains, gets impatient, tries to fight his enemy, and gets his butt kicked several times. It sounds like a pretty standard revenge flick, but where this film loses us is in the martial arts execution. Others may enjoy Mang Fei as a serious martial arts actor, but we find him to be severly lacking talent and style in both his fighting and his acting. His fights with his mother during training, in particular, are laughable. The two of them both cannot fight, but mother (well-played by Lee Lam Lam) fights like a drunken 300-pound man in an American movie bar room brawl--every punch she throws looks as if her fist were made of lead and she couldn't stop it from lunging forward and dragging her body behind it. Mang Fei is slow to act and slow to react, and thus his "improvement" during his grueling training is unbelievable and silly.

Of course, one of the great points about this film is Yasuaki Kurata, the Japanese actor and martial artist who has played "The Bad Japanese Guy" in countless Chinese films from the '70s up through the '90s. While he plays a Chinese in this film, he still gets to be "The Bad Guy", and he still gets to unintentionally show up every other fighter in the film. It seems an unwise choice to have Mang Fei fight against Kurata, as there couldn't be a better comparison of weak and strong martial arts skills. But even Kurata--whose talents shone so brightly in films like "The Rage Of Wind" in fights against Chan Sing--is slowed down by the deficient Mang Fei in this film. Nonetheless, Kurata's kicks are a joy to watch here, as is his signature "Bad Guy" character. He knows just the right combination of menacing glares, mocking grins, and condescending smiles to pull this character off.

Now, the film itself, independent of any one actor or fight scene, is quite interesting to watch. The director, Chai Ying Min--from whom we've never since heard--obviously took an active interest in the film's look and style. His camera moves and effects are at times a bit distracting, but it is refreshing to see a director who wasn't satisfied just doing things by the book, especially given the formulaic material. Many other classic martial arts film directors are endlessly heralded as geniuses--and we concede that they were--but those directors often left things up to their actors and stunt coordinators. Surely, when you've got Gordon Liu in your relatively high budget movie with great fight choreography, you're going to and up with a good film no matter what you do. This director, however, didn't have all that much going for him in terms of on-screen talent; and so we commend him for expressing himself so creatively through his camera moves, scene transitions, and shot compositions. Take a look, this was truly a fresh approach to making a martial arts film during this period.

In conclusion, we give this film due credit for Kurata's performance and for director Chai Ying Min's creativity and care for his creation. The story was formulaic but otherwise enjoyable, and it's always interesting to see someone else's take on the legend of Fong Sai Yuk (and his relationship with his mother). The film's real weak points, unfortunately, are its two lead actors' martial arts abilities. Mang Fei seems to have been a pretty popular fighter in his day, having made more than a few films as the lead protagonist, but exactly what his appeal is or was eludes us. His "boyish charm" isn't charming, just boyish--as is his fighting style. Lee Lam Lam gave an excellent performance as FSY's mother, though the filmmakers should have opted not to show her training with FSY. Her fighting skills make Mang Fei look like Kurata. Another thing we should note is that she is the same actress who played the blackmail-sex-for-hire girl in "Young Tiger", though she looked absolutely transsexual in that film and quite attractive in this one. Amazing what a little makeup can do... So, see this film for its direction, for Kurata, and for Lee Lam Lam's emotive acting; but be prepared for plenty of Mang Fei's whininess and sloppy fighting.

What we can say, however, is that we absolutely loved this film, and are trying to spread the word to everyone that it is absolutely not to be missed. Whether you're a fan of David Mamet's films, with their intriguing origami-like plots; or you're drawn to Andrew Lau's films, with all the style and hip characters currently allowed by law; or you're a big Tarantino film fan, who loves a great story told in a fun, non-linear way; this is for you.

Just sit back with a big bowl of popcorn and a good friend and check this one out--allow your brain to be twisted into a pretzel, and your eyes and ears to be treated to a devilishly stylish little bit of magic.

Then when the film's over, just stay in your seat and watch it again to figure out exactly how the magic trick was performed, to see exactly how the wool was pulled over your eyes, and to revel in the beauty of this witty contemporary masterpiece.

As popular as this film is, we have to be honest about our opinion of it. Although you may not read a single other bad review of "Crying Freeman" anywhere on Earth, you're about to read one right here. In our opinion, this is one of the worst films in our entire catalog, and we cannot in good conscience encourage you to buy this film before any number of thousands of others.

The story is based on an anime, though you would not know it to watch this film. The central character, Yo (played by the effeminate Mark Dacascos), is "the ultimate assassin"--he never misses. He is the sole hitman for a centuries-old Chinese society called Sons Of The Dragons (pretty original, eh?). He always eliminates his target, and afterwards, sheds a single tear for them. As we struggled through this rubbish, we found ourselves shedding tears as well...

One day, during one of his hits, Yo realizes that there was a witness to his crime. The witness, a pretentious two-dimensional dumb-blonde character named Emu (and yes, she has the intelligence of the ridiculous, ostrich-like bird of the same name), is up in the mountains painting when she sees the murder. Yo approaches her with the intent to eliminate her and tie up loose ends, but he--?--instantly falls in love with her instead and wimps out, fleeing the scene. There's 1400 years of training for ya'.

Unlike every other human on Earth, Emu--instead of being terrified and traumatized by witnessing this brutal murder--instantly falls in love with Yo and, after he flees, cannot get him out of her mind. She awaits his inevitable return with bated breath, anxious to see him again even though she knows it will be for the occasion of her own murder. That makes sense...

Well, as luck would have it, Yo does pay her a nighttime visit soon thereafter with the intent to eliminate her. But after he's near her, their pathetic little infatuation flares up again; and the world's most deadly and ruthless assassin instantly degenerates into the world's most chumpy and ruthlessly impotent ass again. Of course, they screw.

Now things REALLY get going downhill. After the act, the two nauseating lovebirds are interrupted by some mean men with machine guns. That's nothing new, but what is new is Yo's little...outfit. You see, after he gets out of bed, it is revealed that he is totally naked except for a--no joke--buttless thong. He then proceeds to scale a wall--in his thong--and attack the would-be killers--in his thong. Now, correct us if we're missing something here, but how is it exactly that we're supposed to take a thong-wearing, teary-eyed, chumpy, effeminate assassin seriously? All this guy needs is a cowboy hat and some chaps, or maybe a bowtie, and he's ready to take the gold at the next Male Stripper Special Olympics. The "buttless cowboy thong" scene, as we've come to call it, definitely sealed this movie's fate for us.

Thongs and effeminate prancing assassins aside, there are plenty of other reasons to dislike this movie. One such reason that springs instantly to mind is Rae Dawn Chong. Some of you may remember her from a huge string of crappy movies during the '80s, and others of you may remember her from a huge string of crappy movies during the 90s; but chances are most of you will remember her from an unprecedented run of crappy acting that started with her first performance in 1974 and is still going strong. This androgynous halfwit bogs down any project she touches, and her Detective Forge character in this film is as painful a display of her distinctive "junior high school talent show" acting style as any she's ever attempted. However, to her credit, she blends in nicely with the god-awful, direct-to-video ensemble cast and their two-dimensional-ignoramus police officer characters.

To be completely honest here, we didn't finish the film. Perhaps it's not fair of us to judge it so harshly based on the first half alone. But then again, it wasn't exactly fair of this film to suck so violently--or to spring its buttless cowboy thong ambush on us--and without warning, either. Let's just put it this way: the only thing that could physically have made this film any worse--aside from possibly Jan Michael Vincent playing the assassin--would have been Jan Michael Vincent playing Rae Dawn Chong.

Tide's parents died when he was young, and all his partners have died in the line of duty, so he assumes--based in part on advice from his mentor--that everyone he cares for will meet with an untimely demise. Consequently, he leads a solitary life, actively avoiding friendships, dating, and meaningful interaction. As you can imagine, his fear of connecting with anyone gets difficult to handle at times--like when he falls in love with a girl, and does not dare pursue her for fear that she may die as a result. He's got troubles.

His only confidant is a shopkeeper named Paper Chan--so named because he sells the paper trinkets that people burn for the dead. His shop carries an excellent selection: everything from paper guns to paper scooters to paper cell phones to paper mansions--when a living person burns such an item for a departed loved one, the loved one receives the "real" thing in the afterlife. This idea--based on ancient customs still widely practiced--has a lot of possibilities in a film where the main characters are both ghost and human. In addition to running his paper goods shop, Paper Chan serves as Tide's mentor and pseudo-father-figure.

According to Paper Chan, Tide's current ghost partner, Sam, is just about due for reincarnation. Tide, it seems, will then have to find a new partner very soon. When he finally does find his new partner, Wind (Stephen Fung)--the guy who meets all of Paper Chan's criteria--it turns out that Wind is quite useless in high-stress situations. He becomes paralyzed out of fear and lies prone on the floor during ghost attacks. Quite a partner...

The premise is excellent--the perfect backdrop for action, comedy, or an interesting romance. The real problem with this movie is that it lacks a heart--it lacks a meaningful central story. Perhaps in an attempt to "keep you guessing"--or perhaps as the result of poor editing--the film changes directions regularly, leaving old stories behind and poking around at new ones. The end result is that--yes--we were guessing all along; but we also just didn't care so much when it was over. The film tries to do too many things in too short a time and ends up undermining almost all of them--truly a perfect example of catering to an MTV/short attention span target audience. The characters' motivations and personalities were never clear, and so we never felt like we connected with any of them enough to really care about them. Likewise, the characters' interactions with each other were never meaningful or substantial enough for the audience to become invested in their relationships. For example, all we have to determine that Tide has met the "girl of his dreams" is his word that "she's the girl of my dreams". They don't know each other, they're awkward and say boring things to each other, and they're secretive and dishonest with each other. Sorry, but that relationship doesn't quite cut it in the post-junior-high-school world.

Furthermore, the film--like nearly all Chinese films about the supernatural--fails to properly establish rules and explain the situation before plopping us down into it. Our protagonists are ghost hunters, but their tools and methods are never discussed, and a typical work day for them includes goofing off and lounging around. Every once in awhile they take care of a malicious ghost, but even the ghosts feel arbitrary and two-dimensional--who are they? what makes one more powerful than another? etc. When someone dies, they don't disappear, they become a ghost and can interact with our main characters effortlessly. Consequently, the impact of "death" is entirely eroded, and it honestly wouldn't matter if any of the main characters died or not--they would probably lead very similar lives either way. And so, by the time we get to the big finale--a major brawl with a bad-ass ghost--we really have no investment either way in what happens. The movie gets a lot of mileage out of the concept that being a ghost isn't so bad--in fact it often seems quite fun--but then it expects its audience to forget all that when the protagonists are "in danger". Sorry, no.

The film is packed with cool CGI effects and elaborate CGI-enhanced hyper-supernatural-martial-arts sequences and camera moves galore. The 2002 duo is super-cool with their all-black outfits and black leather trench coats. Nick Tse is indeed like a little Ekin Cheng strutting around with wisps of long hair covering his face, too cool to be taken seriously. While it's all somewhat fun to watch, we can't help but feel a bit let down at its lack of originality. It feels almost like watching a highlight reel of "The Best Of Andrew Lau CGI", only without the character of an Andrew Lau film or Centro's CGI.

Now, to add insult to injury, we must mention one last thing about the soundtrack. Nick Tse should NOT be allowed to sing in public. Ever. His two ballads in the film were flat-out embarrassing, and should absolutely not have made it into the final cut. Ever seen those Levi's commercials with the horrible karaoke singers...?

In the final analysis--though we've bitched and moaned a lot--the film does get under your skin somehow. We wouldn't have bothered to examine the different aspects of the film in such detail if we didn't feel that they all had potential or some style. Perhaps the reason this film left such a strong impression on us was that it was so close to being right that we could almost taste it--but just ended up wrong.

They decide to take on one student each, and then pit the two students--strangers who have no prior friendship--against each other in 10 years' time. The winner will settle their rivalry for once and for all, and determine which fighting style is superior. They each quickly find their protégés, and the training begins. In a very interesting twist, Sammo plays Lau Kar Wing's student; and Lau Kar Wing plays Sammo's student. This makes for an interesting role-reversal towards the end of the film, and should give you some hint that the filmmakers actually had their thinking caps on when they penned this script.

The storyline has some nice little tricks up its sleeve, and the characters are mostly memorable and interesting, but where this film truly excels is in the fighting department. These guys can really move, their speed and accuracy is simply astounding. And with fight choreography by Jackie Chan, Lau Kar Wing, and Sammo Hung, hopefully you know that you're in for a real treat. Most of the fights pit the short sword against the spear, but there are several others peppered throughout, each one unique, and each one a classic. As always, Sammo's agility and speed are poetic, but his acting and quirky sense of physical humor are what elevate his performance here from amazing to ingenious. And the fact that you get Sammo and Lau Kar Wing playing two roles each is just an added bonus. This film is a total blast, we heartily recommend it to any fan of martial arts or physical comedy.

The story begins with a heroically unattractive old woman hiring a man, "Tiger" (Lau Kar Wing), to locate and bring back her husband, "Frog" (Sammo Hung), who has run away from her to gamble, drink, and generally get into trouble. Frog, it seems, has left his wife and taken her "Invincible Armour" (literally, "metal cloth shirt") with him. After a brief run-in with a couple crafty pickpockets, Frog is quickly relieved of his Invincible Armour--along with most of his dignity. It is at this time that Tiger finds him and hauls him back home to his wife. Frog's wife, not surprisingly, is aghast when she learns that her bumbling husband has lost the priceless "Invincible Armour". Frog and Tiger then set out together to locate it--for the purpose of selling it themselves.

The film follows the journey of these two troublemakers across the land as they do battle with assorted nefarious folks, all of whom are anxious to get the Invincible Armour themselves. The bulk of the film centers on Tiger taking advantage of and making a fool out of Frog during their escapades. Though this gets tiresome after the first few gags--and we really begin to resent Tiger--it makes for some incredible martial arts exchanges between the two. Sammo, despite his bulk, is more than able to hold his own against all opponents, and his physical action is a joy to watch.

As in "Odd Couple", Dean Shek Tin serves up a truly bizarre character that is so ridiculous and strange it grates. His "Mr. Rocking" character in "Odd Couple" was pathetic, whiny, and almost offensive in its relentless slitheriness. Here he plays "One-Eyed Panther", a one-eyed villain who is again so slithery and bizarre it's hard to take him at all seriously--and also hard to watch after awhile. Luckily, he doesn't regurgitate raw eggs on camera this time, as he so nauseatingly did in "Odd Couple".

Though the final battle with the White-Haired Monk was a bit of a letdown for us, there is luckily another playful battle between Tiger and Frog tacked on afterwards that is incredible. If you're going into this film looking for plenty of great fight scenes, you're in for a treat. We strongly recommend picking both up "Odd Couple" and "Dirty Tiger, Crazy Frog", and having yourself a kick-ass double-feature.

Dean Shek Tin--who (to be totally honest) really annoyed us in "Odd Couple" and "Dirty Tiger, Crazy Frog"--puts in another way-over-the-top physically comedic performance here, only somehow he's able to pull it off. We dare you to find one single frame of this film that shows Dean Shek Tin's face in a non-contorted state--impossible. Sammo, as the would-be Robin Hood, is amiable and lightning fast as always. His "strong fat guy" and Shek Tin's "weasely little guy" characters complement each other very nicely.

Along their travels they bump into assorted oddballs: Eric Tsang makes a small appearance as a flamboyantly-dressed gun-slinger (in one particularly hilarious scene when Sammo refuses to duel with Tsang because he believes him to be retarded, Shek Tin reassures Sammo that Tsang isn't retarded--despite his looks!); Lam Ching Ying makes a quick appearance in his underwear; and Wu Ma plays a bumbling ex-Robin Hood with eyebrow bows and a ridiculous curly mustache.

While there are several very nice fight scenes--vintage Sammo Hung material--the real joy of this film is its physical comedy. Some of the costumes alone had us on the floor. We recommend this film without hesitation to fans of Sammo and old school martial arts, as well as fans of Stephen Chow-type comedy. A very fun and memorable film.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's mention the one good thing: Jonathan Ke Quan. You may remember him as "the cute little Asian kid" in "Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom", or as "the cute little Asian kid" in "Goonies", or "the cute little Asian kid" on the TV show "Head Of The Class"--hell, you might even remember him as "the only person who wasn't completely insane" on the "Goonies" DVD audio commentary track. No matter how you remember him, he's the guy who single-handedly raises the bar on this film from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" to "possibly worth watching if you're drunk".

His performance here is impressive--he easily runs the gamut between several intelligent shade of comedy and drama. His performance is understated, which--for a Hong Kong film--paradoxically makes it stand out more. When you watch this guy on screen, you just know you're in good hands--you know he's gonna give you an interesting read of his lines and throw in some character of his own to liven things up. He's on our top ten list of actors to watch right now, hopefully we'll all see more of this talented actor very soon, his last movie was in '92.

Okay, this session of the Jonathan Ke Quan fan club is now closed. We'll meet again here next week for more discussion...

So the killer keeps killing and taunting and Sly keeps slurring angry remarks and chasing after the killer fruitlessly. In fact, at one point, he advises the officers at one of the crime scenes to not even bother looking for prints or evidence because it's just a waste of time. That's authentic FBI procedure for ya. Eventually, the killer gets around to Malloy's wife, doing away with her in a rather gruesome fashion, and then he "loses it" like so many movie cops before him.

Malloy turns to drink. He practically moves into a bar, where his partner comes to give him a boring pep talk--"you get up and look life right in the eye and you..."--which doesn't seem to work, except that in the next scene the partner is driving Malloy up to some secluded Wyoming facility that specializes in treating emotionally screwed cops.

Once they arrive, it quickly becomes clear that Malloy's nemesis serial killer schmoe is among them, and it's all a matter of finding out who he is before it's "too late"--which means "before he kills all the other clichéd, annoying characters who you want to die anyway".

This facility is in the middle of nowehere in the dead of winter during a snowstorm, so there's no escape. And people are being murdered one by one. To try and identify the killer in the group, the first thing they do is to separate everyone. Yes, seriously. This is where you might find yourself...oh...say, screaming obscenities at the screen or ripping out your own spleen. "You're telling me that they split up in to parties of ONE, isolated from each other, in order to find the killer?" "Yes, that's damn straight what we're telling you." Oh....

We could go on, but that's basically all you need to know. These people are a bunch of morons, there's not a single person you give a crap about, and in fact most of them you'll actively DISlike. This film should just be called "Cliché: The Movie". We're surprised they even bothered giving names to these characters. If you're gonna' half-ass it, why not just ass it completely? "Sylvester Stallone as 'The Main Guy'"; "Robert Patrick as 'The Really Annoying Guy'"; "Charles Dutton as 'The Token Black Guy/Pep-Talk Guy'"; etc.

In conclusion, we'd just like to say that we highly recommend this film.--if you've been living in a cave for the past 75 years, don’t speak English, have poor vision, and are easily amused by colors and/or shiny things. Or if you liked "Hollow Man"...

The story is a little funky and hard to follow at times, but as far as we can tell, it's basically about a kid who transfers to a school where the students and teachers use fancy-ass Matrix-esque martial arts constantly. He seems to be holding back some type of super powers, and allows himself and his friends to be bullied because he's afraid to use his powers. By the end--we know, big surprise--he finally learns how to use his powers and there's a big light show and a bunch of cheezeball CGI effects to prove to the audience just how powerful he really is.

The story, such that it is, is really too boring to hold up an entire movie. The cast is mostly appealing, and there are definitely some good performances here--in particular, some surprisingly good physical comedy--but it's painfully obvious that the director was just phoning it in, letting the CGI guys run the show. Almost every shot of a human actor looks like they're in front of a green screen, they don't interact naturally with each other or their surroundings. This leaves the entire movie with a detached, soulless feeling. The big effects aren't impressive, they're just the typical "guy throws huge ball of 'energy' at opponent, and opponent flies a few hundred feet back only to get up, wipe some blood from his mouth, and look up with vengeful determination at the camera" variety. You'll often see us praising Centro for their subtle digital effects in films like Bangkok Dangerous or The Eye; Volcano High has gone the opposite route, with bigger, tackier, flashier effects that have no style or class. Check out the final fight sequence: it's raining heavily, but if you look at our hero's head, it's clear that the rain is not interacting with him at all, it really just looks like crap. The physical effects are also marginal, mostly explosions of water that seem out of place, or people flying across a room clearly on some type of clunky wire rig.

What else is there to say? The fate of the entire film was clearly set upon the shoulders of a few guys with some kick-ass computers, and unfortunately, those guys or their computers weren't up to the task. Effects like these aren't enough to carry an entire movie; and when you strip your actors of so many opportunities to interact with other actors and real physical locations by filming them on an empty sound stage in front of a green screen, you're going to seriously hamper their ability to make a connection with the audience. And when the effects you get by doing so are so run-of-the-mill, the trade-off of organic quality for digital flair is clearly a losing proposition.

Another problem with the directing is that the last 30 minutes or so, the director goes on a split-screen frenzy, and it creates a really tacky, annoying look that serves no purpose and looks dated and awkward here. It's also annoying that we keep seeing the same exact shots over and over throughout the movie: a guy falls to his knees and then falls on his face into the camera; a guy gets knocked down and then gets back up and looks up into the camera; the camera swirls around someone for no particular reason; bla ba bla. This movie is trying to emulate so many other movies it forgot to be a movie itself.

So, in conclusion, just re-watch The Matrix instead.

This utterly bland, by-the-numbers cop flick has Wong recruiting a new team of elite operatives for the SDU. Basically, for the purposes of this movie, all that means is that there are a lot of clips of him running on the same street over and over again with a group of trainees jogging behind him; and lots of scenes of trainees swimming laps in some odd outdoor pool while he screams at them (without regard for the fact that they probably can't hear him very well with their heads underwater).

Also notable is the female meter maid, who seems to have taken acting lessons at the Shu Qi School For Giggling And Pouting.

Wong does a good Bill Clinton impression throughout the entire film, with a sort of smirk on his face 99% of the time, as if to say "I can't believe I talked them into letting me star in another film! Suckers!" When he's not running or screaming, he's trying to impress his female boss, played by Shooky Kwan, with his astondingly bad Cantonese and confused glances. He's not impressing anyone. Please stop.

THE REAL STORY:
There's a serial killer on the loose (played by Darren Shahlavi). He's knocking off the world's martial arts champions one by one in a series of death-matches. In fact, he's not so much a serial killer as he is a severely disturbed martial arts champ who's just too good to lose a fight. Detective Chuck Baker (played by Chuck Jeffreys, whose credits include characters such as "Mugger", "Bad Guy", "Dark Cloud", and "Thug") is in charge of catching this elusive killer, but is getting nowhere fast. His boss is Chief Hutchins, AKA "Ranting And Raving Police Chief Cliché Number 1" (played by aging Frank Gorshin, who was the original "Riddler" in the Batman TV series). It seems that Chief Hutchins is unhappy with Chuck's progress in this case, so he decides to call in an old friend (who's actually not old at all, but is retired nonetheless) to help--ex-cop Ken O'Hara (played by kickboxing and karate champ Gary Daniels). It is alluded to that Ken is a "mind hunter", some kind of intuitive genius detective--a la "Manhunter" or "Red Dragon"--but they VERY quickly drop that idea when Chuck asks the Chief what a "mind hunter" is and the Chief just kind of shrugs and says "I don't know...".

Under direct orders, Chuck goes to Ken's house to ask for his help, and Ken does the whole "I don't do this kind of work anymore, I'm retired, I just can't deal with all this aggravation any more" shtick. Chuck pulls the old "Fine then, be that way you big stupid, I didn't want your stupid help anyway, stupid" and then leaves. Things are left this way until the killer strikes again, this time taking out Ken's wise old Japanese martial arts instructor, and now Ken's pissed and wants revenge. Ken comes into the police station and says "I'm in". Now we proceed quickly to another cliché, when Chuck starts up on the "Fine, you can pretend to help with the investigation, but just stay out of my way you stupid worthless pile of stupid jerk stupid head". Of course, after they begin working together on the case, they slowly come around and learn how to love, bla bla bla, which is good, because that's when we can get on to the martial arts.

THE REAL FIGHTS:
Within the first ten minutes of the film, it was apparent to us that this wasn't just another b-grade action flick with lots of slow, muscle-bound guys punching and throwing tables and chairs. The film starts out with a nice fight sequence as the killer takes down his first champion opponent. You'll notice that the acting sucks, you'll notice that the sets look fake, you'll see wires and boom mics in the top of the frame, and you'll notice the dialog is so full of clichés that you could probably recite the actors' lines right along with them. But, what you'll also notice is that someone actually choreographed these fights, choreographed them with some real style, and took the time to get good physical performances out of the fighters. All the bad sets and dialog quickly fade to the background as the fights come to the fore. This is about the time you should start thinking back to the credits, and remember...Produced by Ng See Yuen and Keith Vitali, Directed by Tony Leung Siu Hung...ah yes, this all makes sense now. This film is pretty closely related to some of the classic Jackie Chan flix. And by the time the first fight's over, you'll be hooked, anxious to see what other tricks this film is gonna' pull out of its hat.

The story plods along, and a lame sub-plot is revealed where we explore Ken's failing marriage and neglected family. And we could easily have done without the fat pervy computer geek who watches poor-white-trash stripshows on his computer and pisses into a thermos so he doesn't have to leave his chair when he pulls "all-nighters"... But the thing is, you're actually starting to LIKE these actors by this point, despite their bad acting and horrible dialog, because you've seen what they can really do. For every bad joke or sappy sentimental moment, there are two moments where the guy totally kicks someone's ass. And so, as the two mis-matched cops learn to love each other, we the audience learn to love them as well. And once you've learned to love, well, you've learned to live. And once you've learned to live, well, once you've learned to live it's just about time for the final showdown with The Killer, which is a real blast (horrible pun intended).

In short, this film is just a series of feeble excuses to progress from one fight scene to the next, and we're more than happy with that. Check your brain at the door, get yourself an economy size bag of popcorn, and get ready for some extremely fun, low budget, made in the USA action!

Flash forward 10-15 years, and the dorky little kid has grown into a severely dorky guy. Why dad didn't kill him when he had the chance remains a mystery to us, but no one's perfect. Lucky for the guy, he's found a group of friends to hang out with that are so incredibly retarded and unattractive they make him seem like he's only mildly retarded and unattractive. Seriously, this gang is like the alternate Czechoslovakian bobsled team for the Special Olympics. If the lead team slips on a pool of their own drool, these guys are in! Score.

Your first real cue as to how bright this group is is when one of the guy's friends--the light-haired girl with the dark eyebrows--says she's going to "get high score on video game". Thanks for sharing, missy, perhaps you'd like a salt lick or a rubber chew toy with that?

While they're all in a bar, the guy receives a phone call from his dad--does the guy live in this bar or something? How did dad get this number? It seems old dad isn't feeling quite up to "closing up" his beach condo, so he needs the son to come out and finish "closing up" for him. In case you're wondering what "closing up" means, we're a bit in the dark here as well, but it seems to involve locking the front door. The son agrees, and his gang of goons quickly decides to make a vacation out of it. They can ALL go out to the condo and help him "close up". Great thinking, Corky! The big dumb ape friend with red hair and a green sweater gets all excited because he'll get to have beer and sex at the condo. Sickeningly, his girlfriend is also excited. Eeeeew!

You know what, normally this is the part where we'd continue telling you about the story, and making little jabs at the pile of drooling idiots that appear on-screen, but let's just cut things short and cut to the chase...

They get to the condo, and the guy's dad is there hiding and kills them off one by one. The killings are mostly uninteresting, except for one where he takes a huge hook and kind of sticks it up this girl's crotch until it comes out of her stomach, and then she's lying there screaming and holding it. Now, that's just plain disgusting. But, other than that, the film is just a blur of sub-humanoids frolicking on the beach and spazzing around with each other.

Very highly un-recommended, unless you want to feel much better about your own life and friends. This film should serve as a good motivational tool for any aspiring filmmakers out there: no matter what, the worst that can happen has already happened in "The Mutilator". Go out and make your film, there's no longer anything to lose!

Another incredibly annoying aspect of this film is the plot twists. Sure, it's a mystery--it thinks it's a horror, but it's not--and we have to keep guessing whodunnit; but there are so many fake-outs and needless and unmotivated 180s by every single character... That, combined with the main character freaking out each time someone looks at her sideways, just adds up to nothing more than irritating filler that this film didn't need (it's nearly two hours long already).

In this case, the "point" that made it worthwhile for us was the performances. Fele Martinez's "Chema" was very fun to watch; as was Eduardo Noriega's "Bosco". Both are charismatic and seem to be having fun with their characters. However, Ana Torrent as "Angela" seemed strained and uninteresting--possibly because of the script, possibly because of the overbearing director. She was acting a very unbelievable part, after all. It seemed unrealistic that her character would be doing her thesis on hardcore violence when she's such a scaredy cat. And it seemed even more of a stretch that she would be spearheading a sort of vigilante investigation into this string of violent murders herself when there's absolutely no reason she couldn't have just called the police from the start. In fact, we would argue that, in "real life", her actions were not only stupid and self-destructive, but also highly questionable morally and legally. She was basically sitting on all this evidence of a string of murders for no reason, when handing it over to the police would have gotten her off the hook and solved the mystery immediately. Just doesn't make sense to us.

The part that was most pleasantly surprising to us was the ending (the real "end" ending). It wouldn't be appropriate to discuss the specifics of the ending here--don't want to spoil anything!--but suffice it to say that it was nice to see some commentary on the current state of the world's ratings-hungry media. While the ending simply felt tacked-on--and was more than a little bit hypocritical considering it was tacked-on to a self-described "horror" movie about "snuff" films--it was still nice to see a different slant on the whole story in the final minutes that was absolutely more disturbing in its own way than all the violence and treachery that preceeded it.

The director, Alejandro Amenabar, seems to consider himself a sort of renaissance man--he writes his own scripts, directs, scores his own films, and (according to actor Fele Martinez) even physically acts out the actors' roles in front of them while filming so that they can mimic him. The DVD we screened featured some behind the scenes footage where the director did take after take after take, trying to get actor Ana Torrent to say the word "Que" properly. Our impression of him? A major control freak. He may well be a competent director, but he hasn't done any single film so far that was noteworthy; and it is our feeling that he should lighten up a bit and collaborate with other people who have something to add to a project rather than presume to do everything himself. After all, film is a collaborative medium.

What's his rush? What's the deal? Who is this guy? The film wisely doesn’t really address these questions, at least not in the traditional way. We'll discuss the film in two parts, since really the first and second halves are completely different films, in our opinion.

The first half is a 5-star film without question. We're pretty much dropped down into the middle of a situation that isn't very clear, but is exhilarating, and is "simple" enough to allow the audience to project pretty much anything they want onto it. A guy drops off a car in Denver, Colorado in the middle of the night. Rather than take a break and go back to California the following day, he decides to pick up another car (headed for California) from the garage and head out immediately--drive to California without stopping. His boss disapproves, but there's no stopping him. What's his hurry? We don't know. We don't care. He pulls out of the garage with a beautiful white supercharged 1970 Dodge Challenger, picks up some speed from a friend and pops a few, and heads out onto the highway. It's on.

The guy's not reckless, he's not out to screw anyone over or hurt anyone, but he's desperately racing towards or away from something--something in his own mind. Hitchcock scholars would call it the Mac Guffin. Unfortunately for him, the police don't appreciate his driving style, and he slowly begins to accumulate a train of cops, usually managing to lose them with relative ease. As the film progresses, we learn a bit more about the man through a series of short flashbacks. He used to be a race car driver, he used to be a cop, he was in the military... All throughout the first half of the film, these flashbacks are done with style and are kept short enough to leave the viewer a little curious, at the same time getting quickly back to the high speed chase going on. Furthermore, the score is loaded for the most part with funky drum-laden early 70s grooves with real soul. The beauty of this first half of the film is indeed its simplicity. Like "Duel" or "Jaws" or "Halloween", the film is at once a masterpiece of art and a blank canvas on which the viewer can paint a mural, a quick sketch, or even just a doodle. We aren't told too much information, and the purity of the car chase--a lone man driving flat out on deserted highways--is irresistibly attractive to watch.

If the purity and simplicity of the first half is what makes this film a classic, it is in the second half that the filmmakers lose faith in their own formula, selling out their art, and the film begins to unravel quickly. Almost exactly at the halfway point, the man drives off the highway and heads into the desert, he flats a tire, and he meets the first in a series of wacky people--and things slow down to a crawl. It is from here on that there are really no more chase scenes, the flashbacks get longer and therefore much less interesting, and the bizarre people he comes across get more screen time than he--or his car--does. Granted, a road movie where the protagonist meets wacky people along the way is fine on principle. A film like "Roadside Prophets" pulls it off beautifully. But here, the parade of weirdoes is just tiresome and uninteresting. When he comes across a group of religious singers, we are forced to listen to their monotonous, repetitive gospel music for what seems like an eternity. Indeed, as the film progresses, the funky tunes of the first half fade away more and more and are replaced by this homogenous gospel music that is not only loud and uninteresting, but entirely inappropriate as a soundtrack to this man's personal journey.

So, without getting into too many specifics, or really discussing the ending (which is a gutsy and satisfying surprise and an appropriate resolution), let's just say that the first half of this film is not to be missed--by anyone. If you're a film lover, you can't possibly go wrong with the first half. It's 45 minutes of joy. It's minimalist, it's pure, it's simple, and it's damn fun. It's probably the best car chase of all time, and is an unforgettable and beautiful piece of filmmaking. And, after seeing it, if you're as much in love with the first half of this film as we are, we'd recommend just turning it off once our boy's tire runs flat in the desert, and re-watching the first half again. The filmmakers sold out the purity of their vision and lost their traction once they blew a tire, and the spare tire they pulled out of the trunk wasn't meant to travel very far.

THE PLOT:
A small group of college (?) students are staying at some special intensive archaeology summmer program type of thing. The big find they have to work with is an ancient mummy. But soon they start disappearing one by one.

THE PROBLEMS:
A project of this massive scope--listing all the problems of this movie--could only be called a work in progress. Anyone who would care to add to this list, please let us know.

• During the entire film, it's thundering violently and flashing with lightning. However, there's nary a drop of rain to be seen from indoors or out. And towards the end of the film, one of the kids remarks, "looks like a storm's coming". DUH, YOU THINK?!
  
  
• Every action the characters take makes no sense. But this goes far beyond the usual "girl in nightgown goes outside in the dark to investigate noises". In this film, every single step that every character takes makes no sense.
  
  
• One kid steals an amulet from the mummy's corpse and gives it to a girl. That girl gives it to her roommate to put back on the mummy, even though she's going right back to the mummy herself. The roommate eventually takes the amulet back to the mummy, stands around the mummy for awhile, and then gives the amulet to someone else to put back on the mummy. They all stand around the mummy for awhile talking, catching up...no one puts it back.
  
  
• One of the characters spends all his time making fun of the other students for being at the camp. Um, hello, you're at the camp too, dunce.
  
  
• Where are they all going? They decide to have a secret party in "the compound" (except one girl who is sneaking off campus to see a movie with her boyfriend). But first a guy and a girl go on ahead to "have some alone time together". Before the others even get there, they decide to go back to the dorms to "have some alone time together". Eventually, the others show up, and for some reason half of them go in the front and half in the back--along with the girl who supposedly couldn't go because of her date. They mill around for awhile, and then the date girl looks at her watch and says, "oh my god, we missed the late show by HOURS". Do you really have such a severe problem with time!? HOURS late and you didn't even notice?
  
  
• The Date Girl keeps assuring the audience that she's "a practicing virgin" (don't worry, kiddo, we could all guess). After the tenth time, shouldn't someone just rip off her clothes and get it over with? Someone's gotta' shut this chick up about her damn virginity already.
  
  
• The annoying guy says "I'm gonna' slip into something a bit more...naked". No.
  
  
• Everyone's supposedly really pissed off at the annoying guy, because he stole the amulet from the mummy and broke into the compound to have this party. They all keep saying, "next time I see him, I'm gonna' kick his ass!" But then they see him and don't do anything. Also, they're supposedly so afraid of turning on the lights, because then the security guards might notice that they're in "the compound" after hours and they'd get in trouble. But even after they've decided to call the police and explain the whole story, they still can't turn the lights on, because "someone will notice!"
  
  
• There are scenes where they are all looking around "the compound" (which is made of two or three small rooms) with flashlights. But for some reason, they spend about five minutes in one room that's no more than 10 feet square and filled with folding chairs. COME ON, how long does it take to "search" this little closet of a room? You could just peek your head in from the hallway and tell it's empty, but you each have to go in an point the flashlight around for five minutes to determine that it's empty? And we especially liked the part towards the end where, while doing this, one of the characters starts screaming at whomever he thinks is hidden somewhere in the room. "This isn't funny! I'm sick of your shit, man! If you're waiting to jump out and scream 'surprise!', then that's just what you'll get, because I'm gonna' surprise you!" Great dialogue, no doubt, but the whole scene is hilarious because he's just screaming at an obviously empty room for minutes and minutes... Anyone who has heard the Adam Sandler CD where he plays an old math teacher who gets a prank phone call and stays on the phone trying to find out who the caller was long after they've already hung up? "Hello? I said hello?! Who are you? Just tell me your name. I'm gonna' hang up! I'm warning you!" Déjà vu.
  
  
• And, not to give away the ending (not that it matters), but there is a severe wardrobe problem on the part of one of the kids. Traditional Aztec? We think not.
  
  
• "Ancient Evil: Scream Of The Mummy"? The mummy doesn't even make a sound.
  
  
• If you deduct the HORRIBLY SLOW opening credits and the end credits, this movie's probably about 75 minutes long. Given the film's quality, that's not necessarily a "problem", but still, by the time the film hobbles past the finish line it feels like it's been hours. And the ending? OH MAN! How was it so abrupt AND tedious at the same time?

Sorum is the story of a young man, around 30, who moves into a disheveled apartment building that is about to be torn down. Presumably, he has gotten an extremely good deal on rent, because this place is the pits. Of his few neighbors, one is an author writing a ghost story, one is a woman his age who is beaten daily by her husband, and the rest of the tenants are never further examined. Soon after moving in, the man develops a relationship with his abused-wife neighbor, and from there, things get funky. She is a chain-smoking, ultra-depressed, confusing woman, who seems to have sporadic temper tantrums and generally keeps you off balance. Whether or not this was intentional on the part of the filmmakers is beyond us, but the end result is that we have no way to connect to her character and spend most of the film just wishing she weren't there. The man is mopey and confusing as well, but his little Bruce Lee impressions (which he does only a few times throughout the film) were really hilarious--truly the high point of the film for us.

The thing about this movie is, the filmmakers seem to have relied on a formula whereby they spend the first 99% of the movie establishing atmosphere and hinting at some incidents that happened in the past in the building, and then they leave the last 1% for the super-shocking-extravaganza-ending, which isn't super, shocking, or extravagant. The end result is a feeling that you spent 90 minutes reluctantly giving this film the benefit of the doubt, hoping it would reward your patience at the end, but it just gives you the finger. Well, it doesn't give you the finger, but the ending is just too predictable and poorly done to be satisfying.

In our opinion, this film was beautifully shot, and if you're willing to go into the experience ready to settle for just 90 minutes of cool-looking stuff and some amusing little bits here and there, you could very well be happy with this film. Or, if you're someone who isn't too quick and is easily shocked or impressed by a complete lack of extravaganzas, then maybe it won't feel like a letdown to you. Obviously, this film was very very popular, so we are likely in the minority with our opinions; but as it stands, this film did not feel like much more than a series of beautiful photographs for us.