The movie started off good. I mean, Sho and some idiot assassinating some Arabs, which turns out to be a training sequence? It was lovely. Then from there on out it's completely sucky. This is probably the most crappy and inconsistent film ever made, and I'm talking bad. It's like the evil step brother of "Plan 9 From Outer Space". The storytelling is so incoherent, it was almost impossible to sit through and follow. I got the premise that is about some terrorist group lead by a Nazi cripple with a pet monkey and some soul chick who calls herself Colonel Honey Hump that takes hostages so they can free some 7-foot wacko--but the storytelling is horrid.

"9 Deaths" does have its comical moments, I think. I'm not even sure as to whether the comedy was intentional or not. The comedy moments were shit, like when Sho fights some midgets dressed up Michael Jackson (or gangsters or whatever). Errr...that's about it.

One thing that did make me laugh so loud that I puked out my lungs was the credits at the beginning. As the title credits ensue, you'll see Sho perform his ninjitsu in a sexually suggestive form while some love song is playing. Then these ballerina dancers start prancing about (dis)gracefully. Oh my god, I wanted to die.

The action in this film wasn't any good either. It's like "Revenge Of The Ninja", only abate times 1,000,000,000,000,001. It was sloppier than hell and (by far) doesn't make up for this film's crappiness.

Another example of the film's absurdity (in a bad way) is Sho dressing up like an old man for no apparent reason as he beats up some guys. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT ALL ABOUT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!?

You know what, scratch the suicide thing. All I have to do is watch it again and I'll get some sort of telepathic infliction which will exert a brain tumor, followed by encephalitis, then my head will explode. There we go, that outta' bring the religious nut-jobs to help with banning this ass soup.

Sometimes bad acting can be considerably entertaining. However, there are times when the acting is sooooo bad it antagonizes the thoughts virulently and viewers will find themselves banging their heads against a wall, hoping to die. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to turn off the f!@#in' movie, but that's your problem. My reactions to this film's abysmal acting were insane. I wanted to sodomize the DVD of "Blood Heat", but if I snapped the bitch in half, I couldn't sell it back to a recycled DVD store, so sexual assault was more rational, but I didn't follow through. ALMOST, I guarantee it. :)

I'm sorry to those who liked this film's action and so forth, but the horrid acting overshadows the film, I'm afraid. I mean, I wanted this film to end with everyone being mutilated to death, especially the ass who played the Sewer Rat leader. HE PISSED ME OFF! "We are the Sewer Rats and we are retarded. Now we blow up your arena. (Ground explodes.) Whooo-hooo! Yeah! Uhhhh!" SHUT UP!!!!!!

The conception was nice, but unfortunately the story was poorly told and the horrid acting that goes along with it just made the film seem rather bleak.

If, however, you don't have conflicts with any personalities, annoying or otherwise, because it's more than likely you are annoying in your nature, this film does have great action. But I've said this before and I'll proudly say it a million times more: GREAT ACTION ALONE DOES NOT MAKE A GREAT MOVIE.

Not recommended unless you like being violated by a pogo sick.

Yes, even with horrible acting, a somewhat reutilized concept (it takes place in L.A. this time, duuur), and an asinine story about Snake, who must recover some device that controls power and electricity over the world or whatever, THIS FILM RULES! Snake rules over your mom.

The other thing worth mentioning is that (in the words of George Takei, "believe it or not") this film to me is the most logical perception of the future of America. With the thought parasites or what you would call conformists controlling our very lives, little by little in the old U.S.A., this to me is becoming our future. No smoking, no meat, no sex, no everything. Remember, anarchy and entropy is never too late, and the politicians and thought parasites will get their just desserts

Yes, this film gets a lot of visceral reaction from the pathetic nature of humanity, but they wouldn't know shit if it came out their asses. Indeed, another Carpenter/Russell classic.

Maybe it's me--maybe I just get sick of new movies being cranked out the butthole to only reveal the same old shit. The stories and conceptions for today's kung fu films are soooooo worn out that this could have been an unintentional remake of a movie from the 70's or 80's; but who knows, really. To be perfectly honest, I think you're just looking for any excuse to give films like this any credibility when in truth you are in a state of denial.

The kung fu action was okay. JUST OKAY! I'll always have issues with wirework unless it fits with a film's level of insanity and/or absurdity, like "Tai Chi Master" or "Iron Monkey". But with a film like "Fearless" that's supposed to be consistent and well told (HA!), no wirework is required. It does not work. As far as the movements of the actors go, it feels a bit sloppy, but overall it's...eh, nice.

Probably the main reason why I didn't like this film is because of Jet Li. He is just not a convincing bad-ass. His martial art skills are 99% consummate but his screen presence is just weak. He's just a sissy Mary. The only films I've ever liked with him were "Tai Chi Master", "Fist Of Legend", "Martial Arts Of Shaolin", and for some odd reason "My Father Is A Hero". And perhaps "Once Upon A Time In China" 1-3, only because I like Tsui Hark films.

If you liked this film, fine. I don't care. But in the words of a great reviewer: "Nothing special here." It's just another everyday ordinary kung fu movie. Whoopee-do. Now I await your inflictions with elation.

AND THE ACTING WAS HORRIBLE!!!!!

This film deserves a tiny fraction of credibility due to one man who died after the making of this bigoted, unethical piece of Nazi trash, and that is Raul Julia. Damn, his superb acting just consummately overshadows this film's abysmal structure of stupidity. Too bad really, his very existence almost makes up for this...this ASS, but it's not enough.

Where "Street Fighter" ('94) ultimately fails is in just about everything, from its horrible action, its ridiculous pacing, suck ass acting (except Raul Julia and, for some weird reason, the Russian guy called Zangief--dude, he was funny), poor and ignorant casting--for example the casting of a Samoan to play a Japanese sumo wrestler (E. Honda is not a Samoan name, f@#$ers)--and so forth. And the list perpetuates until my head explodes.

The success of this film is the chick who played Chun Li. UGH SHE'S HOT! And that's about it.

I hate this movie and yet I continue to watch it over and over again. KILL ME, NOW!!!!!!! :)

Yes, another one of those "artsy fartsy" films where people cry over this film's ridiculous cinematography and say, "What brilliance! What flair. Holy crap, I just nutted in my underwear." God! This film bored me to tears with its stupid art film idiocy. Zhang Yimou is so overrated and a lousy director, much like Ang Lee and any other art filmmakers.

This film is somewhat of an improvement from Zhang Yimou's previous effort "Hero", 'cause yes the story is more consistent and easier to understand. Although the poetic garbage in "Flying Daggers" is more straightforward rather than just going all over the place and being absurdly paradoxical like "Hero" was.

The martial arts action was okay, I suppose. It's the only thing I really cared about and it's not anything to gloat about. It wasn't that great.

The cinematography was nice if you like that sort of thing. I can admire the flowy shit but it's just not my style.

The sex scene was awful. I swear it looked like Takeshi Kaneshiro was having sex with a praying mantis. Ugh!

Well, there you go! Slave loses more credibility because, unlike most people, he can see through these films' deceptions and does not comply to mainstream idiocy. Glad you people like this garbage but I don't. Completely boring and self-indulged piece of crap.

"The butterflies scream in agony, the love you show through apathy, the facade you wear is cruel, as the mountains play the fool." What the f@#$ are you talking about!?!

FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!!! The ass on the front cover of the DVD box is not the same as the ass in the movie. The ass on the front cover was plump and nice while the ass in the movie was nonexistent. Looked like a piece of cardboard with a fissure. I HATE THIS MOVIE!

Though some may ridicule this film as a sleazy, cheesy, exploitation sex film (and my god, you are sick), I thought this film was a really good revenge film. Its premise somewhat pertains to another revenge flick called "Kiss Of Death", except this takes the slasher film approach and there are no VD infections.

The first portion of the film is a lot of rape. But be wary, that this isn't the kind of rape where gratification applies (of course, being titillated by rape is sickening in itself, but eh, we all have our own unique primal instincts). It is vehement and very convincing to the point where if even you show an ounce of masturbational ecstasy, you'll find yourself filled with shame and disgust. Tsk, tsk. The second portion is vengeful that contains one severed pickle, asphyxiation, and flesh fracturing.

As to why one would give this film a 4-star rating is pointed directly at actress Camille Keaton. Man, I don't think any other woman in the history of film could have pulled off a more gutsy and grueling performance than she. She was trampling through the mud, through the woods, through the grassy fields, and all of this occurred while she was naked and being raped (not in actuality). Man, fuck all actresses in Hollywood, Camille out-does them all.

Lorena Bobbitt would be proud of a film like this, and rape victims can find some sense of gratification in "I Spit On Tour Grave" knowing the vile and wretched deaths brought upon the assailants were stimulating. Of course, this film brought upon me a fear of relationships due the phallic severance. At any rate, "I Spit On Your Grave" is not recommended to those who have a weak stomach for excessive violence and rape, but regardless, it should be watched for Camille's brilliant performance (and NO I wasn't turned on by her rape scenes, you weirdoes).

The premise of the film is much better as well, as it's a revenge flick throughout. Meiko is on a quest to avenge the death of her father and so forth. She meets the goofball Sonny Chiba (MY HERO!!!!!!) and some other losers to help on her quest. The theme of this movie is gambling, so expect lots of that as well. The satire is exceptionally well done--not to everyone's tastes but it isn't annoying either.

I'm going out on a limb and recommending this one 'cause it's simple, fun entertainment. However, since I felt the premise was much better, the violence is better, and there's more of it, and I want Meiko NOW even if she's an old crusty 800 million year old chick (and while I'm at it, I'll hump King Tut as well!!!!!), I liked this film.

I liked the film only because I'm in love with Meiko. She is sooooooo pretty. Guh. However, I wanted a blood-gushing kill-fest and pissed-off yakuza going apeshit over frivolous matters. But the film is good enough to keep me interested with its story about Meiko rejuvenating from her malevolent past and starting anew in some whorehouse or whatever. Then yakuza come and ruin everything and so on and so forth. The pacing of the film drags in certain parts, but overall it's consistent enough.

Recommend to Meikophiliacs. She wears a skirt with leather boots and it MADE ME HORNY!

Despite some crummy satire, this film is the boom-diggity. The first hour (or right at the point where Beardy learns the mantis fist from his master) is where the film gets really good, because before this it's just stupid comedy. The kung fu action is, thankfully, not entirely kung foolery.

Beardy is one of my favorite actors. No one in cinema can express insanity better than he (except David Gale, of course). His screen fighting is really unique and really authentic. Completely an underrated actor. Of course, some fat retard called Ric Meyers said he knew no kung fu before he did a film called "The Victim". So what the fuck do you call this? Or "5 Shaolin Masters"? Goddamn that walrus lookin' piece of garbage.

The final fight had to be one of the best fights in kung fu film history. Not only is it very significant and dramatic, but also insane. This is why I think Beardy is one of the best when expressing lunacy. To think they implemented cannibalism in kung fu fighting. Oooooh, baby, so freakin' brilliant. And for your incentive, the action is plentiful, plus the fight choreography was excellent.

Even with the useless, pointless, worthless, listless satire, this film rules booty, bitches. Highly recommended.

To think I was all excited to assimilate "House of 1,000 Corpses" 'cause considering Rob's reputation as a horror film buff, you'd think it be grand and epic. Years go by as Rob's movie is rejected constantly by film studio distributors for this film's supposed graphic violence. Well after two or so years it was finally released, and after watching this crap, I finally understand why this film was rejected. This film was rejected 'cause, well, IT SUCKED!!!! COMPLETELY OVERRATED PILE OF CRAP!!!!

Where the film fails logically is in its direction. It is exactly like an Oliver Stone film which is shot in many aspects and in many different forms and you can't even tell what the hell is going on. The story is nonsensical. It's just a bunch of hillbillies torturing stupid brat teens. It's just--urgh, this film just sucks.

Words can't describe it, this film is abysmal and only people who want to have buttsex with Rob Zombie will like it.

Considering most people have seen this film, I'll make it brief...

Ah yes, "Hellraiser". No other movie I can think of that could combine sodomy and hell and make it look so creepy, gross, and credulous. This film is far beyond sick.

I liked "Hellraiser" for its sickening ambience, creative characters, twisted gore, and conception. The film did feel a wee bit made-for-TV-ish, but it's not enough to bring it down.

And Hollywood will be remaking this film and it will suck pickles. Goddamn it!

Where the film ultimately fails is in its inconsistent tone, its ridiculously exasperating satire and useless story. The film begins well, I mean "Ha ha , stupid comedy and all that," but where the film completely loses all credibility is the scene when Hsiao Hou and his effeminate friends were serenading Kara Hui's character. God, what an annoying piece of turd this was. These morons couldn't even keep a steady beat when they were banging on their guitars. THIS SUCKED! I wanted to beat the crap out these obnoxious punks into oblivion. The film continues to lose credibility as the cast have their stupid little party where they dress up through their perception as foreigners. Then the police station ensues and afterwards the film picks up again but it's all so too late. This is where in one of those rare moments I would favor what is uncommonly called "The Fascist Severance of Chinese Authenticity". Yes, if they had cut this scene out of the film, maybe, it would have been better and more steady paced. And I know some of you cry over the notion of watching your precious little films being cut and nah nah nah nah nah nah, but I DON’T CARE! I HATE ALL THIS CRAP! UGH! :)

Another thing I hated, and this is my cynicism speaking, was the whole "Daddy-o" routine. I hate anything associated with the 50's (assuming this is in the '50s), other than the music, and I hate any and every lifestyle of the '50s. It's just consummately contrary to me. "Hey daddy-o, where are you at? You're a cool cat." SHUT UP!!

Where the film succeeds is, of course, the kung fu action. However the other thing I loved is Kara Hui. She is my alleviation from this cruel asperity. Watching her perform onscreen kept me from going insane with the '50s attire and stupid comedy. Kara is indeed one of most talented actresses in Chinese cinema. She's adorable, her on-screen martial arts are great, and her acting skills are really good.

This film is truly, sadistically torturous on a whole different level. It is a film I really wanted to like but just couldn't fully assimilate without cutting myself. Understand, I tried my best but failed miserably. The film is by no means abysmal, but it is indeed asphyxiating.

"Mighty Peking Man" is also extremely entertaining. To think, as I watch, that the best thing this film has to offer was the tiger biting some man's leg off, which was one of the funniest scenes ever crafted. But it never ends, it gets better and better and more and more absurd as the film rolls on, to the point where you get to see the greatest scene of all: Mighty Peking Man stomping on Ku Feng's character. I almost died from laughter. The insanity never ends, until the film ends of course.

There are times where the film does get emotional, where Peking Man is forced to become a misanthrope because of humanity's caustic ignorance and its antagonistic demeanor. It makes you sad to see a man in a monkey suit--er a monster who expresses his trust to humanity only to be betrayed by this atrocity, and in the end you will be rooting for Peking Man to destroy humanity. But when you get to the point where you are emotionally involved, the absurdities will manifest and everything is ruined. I loved it. It just f@#$s with your emotions, constantly.

"Mighty Peking Man" is absurd, stupid, and incoherent, yet it's heart-warming and sincere, and yet it's insane and retarded, and yet it's sad and depressing, and yet it's maniacal and--I swear I could go all day explaining my feelings and thoughts about this film. The only monster films that beat this film's high level of asininity are "Godzilla Vs. Megalon" and "King Kong Vs. Godzilla" as far as I'm concerned. This film is highly recommended to those who like their films campy and stupid and extremely fun.

What a malicious, malignant movie this was! My word, someone is on the rag. To think Chow Yun-Fat needs to kill a shitload of animals to cure Maggie's berserker spell. And to think some Worm Tribe priest must kill a bunch of children (and succeeds) to create a stupid-looking monster called Little Ghost. I don't think happy people are going to like this, but eh, screw them.

This is one of Nam Nai Choi's best films ever. I loved it to death. Every corner you turn on this film, there is always something bizarre to see. For example, a Thai girl with the nicest ass in the world cuts a piece of her boob meat to feed it to Yuen Chen's character to hinder the 7th curse effect. Now that's epic. Urgh, not only is it sultry, it's funnier than hell. Plus the monster called Old Ancestor towards the end of the film was great. He looked like the H.R. Giger "Aliens" monster, only with wings and a stupid looking face. Oh I'm getting flustered.

The action is really great and at the same time hilarious. Man oh man, some of the greatest action scenes were watching the Yuen Chen character getting into a no-holds-barred fight with a skeleton which evidently was a puppet on a string. Another was the epic battle with Old Ancestor and Little Ghost. Come on, peoples, you know that was great. Among other things there are plentiful martial arts fights and some gun fights which were surprisingly well choreographed and intense. Even some of the stunts that were pulled off in this film were a bit frightening.

Other things to consider: the film was fast-paced, the story was unbelievably absurd, and the special effects were sometimes cheesy and sometimes good. The only flaw I found with "The Seventh Curse" (aside from everything else, depending on your point of view) is the Worm Tribe priest's voice. Yes, he sounds like a bitch.

Oh god, I loved "The Seventh Curse". Oh baby, I've seen this sucker legitimately 50 times and I can go for another 2,000,200 more times. Though I gave this film a 5-star rating, logically it's a 3 ½ star rating. Its absurdity levels the likes of "Mighty Peking Man" or "Ninja: The Final Duel", but eh, whatever. BEST FILM EVER!!!!!!

This film contains one of the weirdest rape scenes ever. It starts when Hanzo puts this naked chick in a net and raises her up with her ass pointing at 6 o'clock. I can't really go further into detail, but I can tell you this: it gets circular and painful. It's like bungee jumping on a merry-go-round.

Also more weird crap is seeing Hanzo beating his ding-dong with a metal bar and having sex with a bag of rice. Geez, talk about "Hard" Qi Gong. Ouchy. :(

For those who are curious, this film is not entirely a samurai action film. It is a dark comedy. Only expect two or so action scenes with little blood-gushing happiness.

Normally I would weep with joy at the amount of weirdness of a film like this, but sadly its pacing was a bit slow. The rape scenes were too long and the story felt a bit incoherent. Interesting piece but it didn't feel right.

The story went nowhere as we delve deep into the bowels of a chick called Zhang Ziyi, whose rebellious nature gets her in trouble with a crappy sword. Then she screws some bandit and starts fights. Meanwhile, Chow Yun-Fat is on a never-ending quest to find the Jade Fox and kill her to avenge his master. Yes this is the story and moronic art film lovers cry over this crap.

I've heard there was a saying pertaining to the floating scene with Zhang and Chow: "their bodies are doing what their hearts cannot." What does this mean, exactly? This is exactly why I hate art films. Nothing makes sense. Oh sure, one must figure out the complexity in order to justify its meaning, but the question remains, does one even care? I can only get psychological stuff when come to perplexities. Art is just nonsensical to me and I am an artist. An oxymoron I am and proud of it.

The action is good with Yuen Wo Ping's brilliant choreography, plus the music implemented with each fight scene with drum banging mayhem, but it doesn't save the movie because of its extremely tedious pacing.

COMPLETELY INCOHERENT AND OVERRATED!!!!!! How a film like this can be loved is beyond my comprehension. 2 stars is too kind coming from me because I can't stand art films, but regardless, the film deserves credit for the action and music. The story goes nowhere and the pacing is like turtles having sex.

Indeed one of the best Venoms films ever for the reasons that this film excels in conception, characterization, and story, with excellent intricate kung fu weapons action. This is why the Venoms films are the best, because they are imaginary and don't have the usual garbage in kung fu films--lion dances, yeeesh!

The best thing about "Flag Of Iron" is the characterization. I loved the 10 assassins in the film, from the guy who shoots abacus beads and utilizes the remains as a deformed nunchaku, to the fat butcher, along with the four killers who use metal connectors and mini scythes. The best was the Eagle Clan. They are like kung fu Indians with feathers in their heads wearing leopard attire.

The kung fu action of course is phenomenal--as I said, utilizing intricate weapons, but the main theme is the flag spears. This stuff has been done before this film but I think this film pulled it off the best.

Some people may find the pacing of the film a bit slow and perhaps feel that this film doesn't have enough action to make up for lost time, but it depends on your attention span. But then again who cares about you? :)

Along with excellent cinematography and blah blah blah, "Flag Of Iron" ranks at #5 for best Venoms film ever for me. Highly recommended unless you are devoid of good taste in film. Tee hee.

Horrible, vile, wretched spawn of Satan. This film is equally as bad as "Romeo Must Die". These dumbasses continue to misuse Jet Li's talents as a martial artist and hang his little ass on a wire. God. At least it isn't quite as bad as "Romeo Must Die". I mean come on! Wire fu football? Are you retarded? Ugh!

The story sucks. It's about Jet Li finding some black crystals.

The action is consummately abysmal. To think, I was all giddy to see a final fight scene with Mark Dacascos and Jet Li and it's ruined because the stupid director felt it was more logical to have all the characters involved to share the final showdown. Damn it, I want a straight fight without interruptions, but noooooo! we must see that overrated and untalented DMX swing a big-ass wooden nunchuck at some bald guy and Kelly Hu fight some chick with a big ass (though it was nice).

This film is like AIDS. You'll die slowly and painfully through every waking moment of your existence until it completely kills you. But watching this film is far worse, so thus I'd rather have AIDS. Recommended to those who like the smell of their own butt.

Well, at least this movie's story is not about some douche risking his life for a stone head, an elephant, or (ahem) a magical artificial dingaling (that would be unpleasant). Yes Prachya Pinkaew has finally improved on the storytelling portion of his films, but "awww sheeit" the story is one dimensional, therefore it loses points.

The action is a step below the Tony Jaa stuff (it's not quite as suicidal), but it is still a lot of fun to watch. This chick is really good at fighting and I would like to see more of her.

IT'S NOT A 5-STAR MOVIE! Sorry, but due to its slow pacing and uninspiring and unoriginal story, it loses a point; but the fights were good enough to keep this film afloat.

The first 50 minutes of "Shaolin Mantis" is tedious stupidity, but afterwards the film is good. The first 50 minutes consists of a crappy fight sequence with David Chiang fighting against a monk and some Mongolian. Then the film wastes its time with a derivative and uninspiring story pertaining to infatuation and betrayal and dramatization. Then at the 50 minute mark it's kung fu action from there on out.

This film does contain one of my favorite training sequences of all time pertinent to the praying mantises. I have an affinity for praying mantises. They are the only insects with character (yes my psychological profiling is that keen) and I find them strangely adorable with their cute little antennas. To this day I still love playing with these little bastards and they're the only insects I will save from death (ladybugs and potato bugs I'll save too 'cause I'm fat). So that's why I liked this particular training sequence.

The film is by no means bad but it not that great either. Some nice martial arts action doesn't help the trite story, the slow-pacing all other forms of unoriginality (except the training scene) but if you're a Liu Chia-Liang wacko, then indulge.

This is by no means a put down towards the gay community (and I'm amazed that this wasn't brought up), but what the hell was up with the towel scene?! The scene begins with these guys walking towards the spa room with their arms wrapped around each other, wearing only their towels around their waists. At one point as they were walking, Chiang Sheng grabs Kuo Chue's ass. As they were about to enter the spa room, they get freaked out because there's (naked) women inside the tub (nudity not seen so it's hypothetical). The servants tell them they are there to serve them and Kuo Chue precariously replies, "We'll do it ourselves". As the women leave in their towels (and MY GOD were they hot, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!?), they gleefully disrobe, jump into the hot tub, and play splishy-splashy with each other. Something tells me I just experienced my first gay male soft-core porn. They should have called this movie "Hot And Sweaty Kung Fu Ruffians". One would wonder if when these guys are fighting, they are insinuating copulation. Ooooo, freaky!

Another scene which I found a bit out-of-place was when Kuo and Chiang dressed up as apparitions to scare this little twerp into confessing Lu Feng's deception pertaining to where Kuo was thought to be an asshole after he accidently killed Lo Meng with his stick which unbeknownst to him was loaded with dynamite. This scene takes you right out of the movie completely because it doesn't make any sense. Sure it may be funny but completely kills the consistency of the film. They should have tortured the twerp by cutting off his dingaling or something.

Other than these two dreadfully painful scenes, this is a great Venoms film with an excellent story, great cast of characters, and plentiful kung fu action. I love Lo Meng's angry expression as always, Lu Feng is the definitive villain as he always is, and the rest are spectacular. "Magnificent Ruffians" is highly recommended if you can get past the freakishly disturbing towel scene. UGH!

BEST NINJA MOVIE EVER!! Oh my goodness. The people who made this glorious epic must have been assimilating too much meth. This film is unbelievable. There is so much to tell.

First off, the action. With the action, you'll see ninjas riding on inflatable spiders. Oh man it was great seeing them paddling around trying to chop some monk's head off. You'll also experience a couple of fight scenes with "The Gypsy Monks From California", Mark and Moore. It's funny watching them utilizing tambourines as weapons to dispose of the foes. But the best fight scene of all time, where all my titillating fantasies come true, is the naked chick fight scene. It was epic seeing a naked chick kicking ass against ninjas while showing graphic depictions of her beaver. Unfortunately it's followed up by, guhuhuh, gross, Alexander Lou's fight scene with the same ninjas in which his underwear is riding up his ass. Damn it, way to kill Mr. Happy. :(

The overall action is really awesome, insane, and funny at the same time. It's plentiful, with lots of blood spitting, blood spurting, and decapitations. Beauteous.

Elevating the hilarity is the costuming, mostly on the part of the ninjas. Their clothes are black with white strips and they look ragged and retarded. Also there are those cat ninjas with poorly colored pattern designs with bright colored hair. But the comedy award goes to the antagonist with the white and red hooded robe with boxer shorts carrying a cane. So stupid it's great.

Now we get to the main event. "Ninja: The Final Duel" contains one of the best characters in kung fu movie lore: "The Famous Black Monk from Harlem." I f!@#in' nearly died from laughter when his presence was made, mainly because it's so out of place, much like everything else in this film. The scene he had with Alexander Lou was one of the best scenes in cinema history, with its uproarious dialog. It starts when the Black Monk cremates some headless woman and Alex sees it and gets all pissed off about it and the dialog ensues from this point.

Alex: "You black son of a bitch. You want to hide the evidence."

Black Monk: "You must be jivin'. Don't blame me. I just passing by and found her dead."

Alex: "You expect me to believe it's all a coincidence."

Black Monk: "Brotha, I'm a holy man. I don't kill."

Alex: "A black man travelling in China. SHAOLIN GHETTO FREAK!" [The Black Monk retardedly gasps at the insult.] "Let's see what you're made of, you holy joke." [Fight ensues.]

Black Monk: [Fight stops.] "Just take it easy, man."

Alex: "GHETTO IN THE SKY! That's where you're headed." [Fight continues.]

Black Monk: [Fight stops.] "Oh me ta fa. Don't force me to fight. I'm a peace-lovin' man." [Fight goes and stops.] "You mean to..." [Black Monk looks at the charred remains of the headless woman.] "But sheas ash, so donat give me this trash."

Alex: "Don't give me that rap."

BEST SCENE EVER!!!!!

Along with an incoherent story, crappy set designs and shitty English dubbing, "Ninja: The Final Duel" is a train wreck beyond recognition. The entertainment value is astronomically, insurmountably gargantuan. It's a brilliant masterpiece of absurd stupidity. Anyone who didn't like this film has no soul and likes to kill babies.

This is yet another Tsui Hark original masterpiece, but one could understand why some people may not find this film appealing. The story is hard to follow, some, the special effects maybe too much, it's lacking in traditional kung fu action because most of the action is people flying around and shooting lasers at each other--but then again this was meant to be a fantasy film, period, so crying about it devoids logic because, after all, feelings are not facts.

I liked this film for its originality and the fact it feels different from most Chinese films. It's hard to explain, but it's just--I've seen a shitload of Chinese films and when I see "Zu", it just has a different feel. I also liked a lot of the action, the cinematography, the characters and costuming was alluring.

The only thing I found wrong with "Zu" was its pacing. I fell asleep to this film the first time I watched it, because it felt like it was going nowhere--a bit too inconsistent and sometimes slow. But after the third time (yes I'm a masochist for trying to find goodness in a boring shit) I found a means to like it. God, somebody shoot me.

I can understand why some would hate this film, but I just like weird stuff. Not recommended to those who hate Chinese fantasy films like "Battle Wizard" or "Kung Fu Cult Master".

One of the things I hated about this film was the male protagonist. God, what a fruitcake! Maybe I would have been more convinced if he dressed up like a girl and kicked ass, much like how women dress up like men and kick ass. Reverse sexism is kung fu films. I like that, let me write that down.

The kung fu action was really fun, with lots of swordfights and magical kung fu. Some will be disappointed by it because yes this is a fanasty/kung fu film which utilizes wires, camera effects... Others will be disappointed by the notion that the final fight scene is nothing but people flying around and shooting lasers at each other. It does sometimes kill it for me when these films just want to titillate you with these stupid effects, but considering this film is consistent with my mindset, I accepted it.

If you like films like "Battle Wizard" or "Zu: Warriors Of The Magic Mountain" then look no further as you delve deep into the bowels of insanity which is this film, "Holy Flame Of The Martial World". I found this film to be purely insane and fun with lots of great costuming, characters, and plentiful weapons kung fu action. But if you hate weird shit, then avoid!

A "Terminator" rip-off? Somewhat. There are scenes that were taken from "Terminator" and put into this film. However in terms of conception is impertinent. There are no robots or time travellings, instead there is witchcraft and black magic. But the question remains: is "Lady Terminator" better than "Terminator? NOT BY A LONG SHOT, but still "Lady Terminator" is a fun and cheesy little piece of shit that will pique your balls if you're into cult films.

The action was actually quite good--a buttload of car chases and brutal gun fights that will tickle your pickle.

The sex scenes were performed horribly. All they do is simply hump without groping, but at least they weren't long and tedious and almost every sex scene ended with some guy's wee-wee bitten off with blood-splattery goodness. Plus you'll see boobies! :)

Along with abysmal acting and dialog, an incoherent story, and stupid effects, "Lady Terminator" will please cult film fans. I found it to be a bit retarded and it loses credibility 'cause it's a technical rip-off of "Terminator", but overall it was happy and fun. :)

1. Doris Lung. Now I find her screen fighting to be impressive, but she is indeed the hottest chick in kung fu film lore. Urgh! She was so damn cute in this film. Every time she says "grandpa" in her native tongue, I would hump a wall. Considering she said it 70 times, I'm technically a eunuch. Egads!

2. The final fight with Lo Lieh. Anything with Lo Lieh is bound to be epic, and the final fight with him was so awesome, it made up for this film's mediocrity. Much like "Fearless Hyena" with Jackie Chan, I was allured by the kung fu technique called Joy/Sorrow/Anger/Happy fist. I felt Lo Lieh pulled it off much better than Jackie.

Other than that this film is crappy. The kung fu fights were not very good. The choreography was sloppy, making these fighters seem like they are having a bitch-slapping contest. It gets dreadfully worse with the story as the story is commonplace in these kung fu films, pertaining to the "find the list of rebels" motif. And with an uninspiring story comes the comedy factor. It is so thoroughly annoying, it made me wanna' puncture my hearing process with a shovel. Ouchy. :(

Not recommended unless you have a carnal infatuation with Doris Lung or if you like Lo Lieh as much as I do. The comedy, kung fu action (except the final fight), and the story all sucked bananas. :)

1. The confrontation between the martial arts heroes and the antagonist near the end. I loved the fact that the this confrontation wasn't all kung fuey or anything of the sorts. It had a more Italian western stand-off feel to it with an Ed Wood style of backgrounding. The fact that there was no way in hell these heroes were gonna' beat the antagonist 'cause his martial skills were too astronomical was alluring and surprisingly authentic. However, kung fu enthusiasts who just want the kung fu boxing stuff will more than likely hate it.

2. Crappy Taiwanese production. "Ah sheeiit" lame-ass settings and silly costume designs, can't go wrong with that.

3. The giant monk! THE BEST MARTIAL ARTS VILLAIN OF ALL TIME!! He has gold teeth (I said silver before which was my mistake) and he bites off and chews up swords and chases people around, growling in sheer anger. You can dump big rocks on him, punch him, shove weird shit into his mouth and drop him off a cliff, he will keep coming. Awesome character played by an awesome actor.

Flaws to consider: since this is Taiwanese-produced, this film will have the usual flaws like bad settings and costumes, mediocre kung fu action, crappy yet hilarious English dubbing, a dreadful yet somehow entertaining story, and so forth. Other things to consider: the martial arts action is hindered at the hour and 12 minute mark 'cause from there on out you get nothing but a chase sequence with a 7-foot angry monk and an Italian westernized stand-off; but believe me when I say this, it's worth it. I loved it!

I look at this film as more of a cult classic than a kung fu film, which is why I liked it. Kung fu enthusiasts may not aspire to my point of view about it, 'cause despite my ramblings about the brilliance (the paradox which leads straight into retardation) of this film's absurdities, it's not recommended.

"Ah yeeeea, bitches", this is indeed an epic beyond comprehension. Why "We're Going To Eat You" is so great is because it's a kung fu film that tries something different in terms of conception instead of the usual boring, self-indulged kung fu films which, quite frankly, I'm getting thoroughly sick of. Yes, Tsui Hark the genius has hybridized Italian cannibal horror with kung fu with added suppliments of comedy and pure insanity, and my God it was phenomenal. And yes there is plenty of gore in this film if you're into that sort of thing. There is no other film like this one, at least not before it.

The kung fu action in this film is plentiful and, may I add, very entertaining. The most entertaining fight scenes were any that pertained to the masked men whose job was to capture people and turn them into human stew. It just felt right for me.

The comedy satire won't work for everyone but it did work for me because, considering that "We're Going To Eat You" is sheer lunacy at its finest, I felt the comedy was very consistent with the flow of this film. I should also point out that the giant man dressed as a woman was the funniest thing I have ever seen. I don't know the actor's name, but he is without doubt the most unique Chinese actor I have ever seen. You can see him in other films like "Ninja Wolves", "Fearless Dragon", and the ultimate classic film, "72 Desperate Rebels", where he plays a monk with silver caustic teeth that just growls and chases people around. It's freakin' awesome!

Much like "Five Deadly Venoms", "We're Going To Eat You" screams originality. Pure brilliance of comedy/cannibal/kung fu mayhem, and I pity those who hated it.