Well, Mr. Well-Paid Star... you think you're da shit, eh? Then go jump from a building like Jackie Chan did in "Rumble In the Bronx", and maybe... I said MAYBE... you can earn my respect. Deal?

That brings us to this exciting Japanese production from the 70's, which served as the basis for "Speed". Wait, I said basis? Ha! This one has a train instead of a bus, no Keanu and no Sandra. But apart from that, it's exactly the same story. One of the last lines from "The Bullet Train" is "Kuramochi, there's always somebody who will try this again"! Man, those Japanese must have ESP powers beyond of the mere mortal men!

If you saw "Speed" you kinda saw "The Bullet Train". A terrorist mob, led by likeable villain Tetsuo (Takakura Ken), plants a bomb in the bowels of a shinkansen (that's "bullet train" for you non-Japanese speaking folks). If the train speed drops below 80 km/h, it will go kablooey and kill 1,500 commuters. Whoa. In "Speed", the greatest danger was snuffing Cameron from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". But now comes the biggest difference: "The Bullet Train" is not flashy at all, but is a far better film. Instead of falling on the cliché of the "sole hero achieving what the entire police force was too incompetent to do", director Junya Sato made almost everybody a hero in this one - including some passersby who end up helping to catch one of the terrorists. Crash Cinema put this DVD in its Sonny Chiba Collection, but Chiba isn't the star at all. Even so, he does indeed saves lotsa asses doing what his character is supposed to: conducting a train. And not alone. Aiding him are the men in the control room, headed by Kuramochi (Utsui Ken), monitoring the trains that go back and forth and radio-ing precise orders to avoid accidents.

Yeah, I can hear you go "yawn". A bomb on a bus sounds more exciting cause they may run out of fuel or Sandra Bullock's character, A DROP-OUT FROM THE DRIVING SCHOOL, can screw things up by stepping on the wrong pedal. FYI, Japanese shinkansen are controlled by computers that will automatically shut down the train if something weird is happening - like, if said train is going too fast and failing to stop at the stations. Making a quick left turn is easy even for a DROP-OUT FROM THE DRIVING SCHOOL, but how do you trick a computer, eh? What do you do, hotshot? What do you do?

The action isn't limited to the insides of the train. Meanwhile, the police negotiates with the terrorists while the clock ticks, as nobody knows for sure where the bomb is or how to defuse it. I don't know if you're aware of this little piece of trivia, but a train is slightly longer than a bus. The way the investigators find out is more complicated and clever than removing a piece of the floor and looking under the vehicle. Oh, one more thing: buses can run around in circles, but train lines end. So there.

Movie violence is bad because it's too mild.

I'm not talking about the over-the-top gore of horror films. They're fantasy, therefore supposed to be ooky. When I walk the streets at night, I'm not worried about zombies coming out of nowhere to gnaw at my intestines. What I fear is a real-life weapon. Actually I don't fear the gun itself, for guns alone don't kill. I fear the stupid muddha behind the trigger, 'cause he probably doesn't know how much power he's holding.

On "realistic" movies about cops and robbers, guns do very little. A hole in the shirt, fake blood squirting from a concelaled condom, and that's all. People get snuffed in slow-motion, when in real life they piss and shit themselves while dying. And sometimes death is extremely slow. When one gets shot in the gut, he can take up to 10 HOURS to die. But movie guns? Feh. Small potatoes. Do you really think that the good cop can be shot with a Magnum .44., a hand-cannon that packs so much heat it can rip your arm clean off the elbow, and get away with just a FLESH WOUND? C'mon!

If we really want to put a stop on real-life violence, a good start would be to show the REAL consequences of gunning down someone. So your kid thinks that holding a guy sideways is cool? Aww, cutey. Show him how the exit wound of a .38 really looks like and kiddo won't even touch a slingshot anymore, unless he's born with psychopathic tendencies.

Take, for example, the scene from Shiri where a cop is shot on the kneecap with a high-powered weapon. If this were an Ah-nuld flick, the shootee would reappear hours later with a bandage and a mild limp. In Shiri, the leg of the cop does what any self-respecting leg would after being shot square on the kneecap: it falls off the socket and paints the wall with blood sprays. Yeah, ouch. Welcome to the real world, buddy!

Alas, the success of Shiri comes from the fact that its heart is based on the very real situation on the divided Koreas. Teleport City's Keith Allison did a great job depicting the movie's political backstory on a wondeful, if spoiler-ridden review at Teleport City, so I won't tell it all over again.

If something must be said about Shiri it's that, even if it makes a lot of concessions to the American action formula (people being saved at the nick of time being the most usual sin), you're never sure who to root for. In one side, we have top markswoman Hee (played by different actresses, and telling more than that may spoil one of the surprises) and the leader of the terrorists, Park (Choi Min-Sik). On the other side, we have the agents of South Korea's anti-terrorist force, Ryu (Han Suk-Kyu) and Lee (Song Kang-Ho). Technically, Hee and Park are the villains. But that's not as easy is seems, as the lines of right and wrong (I'm not talking good and evil here) are extremely blurred.

Lee and Ryu live in the prosperous South Korea, where they have McDonald's, Coca Cola and a decorative fish in every office (pay attention to the fish motif, it's an important part of the mystery; even the Shiri of the title is a fish). Their mission is to maintain the status quo as it is, with each Korea minding its own beeswax. But Park is from North Korea, where starving families feed on the corpses of their dead children, so he's more than right when he says he want a revolution.

The terrorists want the unification of the Koreas. To achieve that, they must PREVENT the unification. Confused? Actually, it makes sense. The unification is at the hands of greedy politicians, who are stalling the process by spending more time (and the contributor's money) making diplomatic visits to each other, sipping Champagne and eating belugas while their people die. Case in point: their great idea to kickstart the unification is thru a soccer match. SOCCER, dammit! As brazilian chronist Nelson Rodrigues once said, "soccer is the opium of the multitudes". So true. Politicians are merely giving bread and circus to the people instead of actually doing something to feed the hungry. So, Park's plan is pretty simple: he's going to blow up the stadium where all presidents and ministers are gathered, and reboot the unification with a good old revolution, this time without leechy leaders on the way to throw spanners in the works. Yes, if Park succeeds, a lot of innocents will die. That makes it hard to support his methods, cause killing people is wrong, always was and always will be. But what hurts us more is knowing that his act could actually solve North Korea's problems once and for all.

There's something really wrong with the world when we can see the logic behind terrorism and mass murder. We're living in sad times. Very sad, indeed.

With the budget from Armageddon, we could fly Ben Affleck into space for real and leave him there, just like Laika (as an animal lover, I'm still pissed at what they did to the poor bitch; somebody has to pay!). THAT would be cool. But noooo! Today's idea of "cool" is show a dude frozen in mid-air while the camera runs rings around him. Whoa. O the drama! O the pathos! Oh, cut that crap. Ben-Hur's chariot race was achieved with horse manure and Moses in a loincloth, and still tops anything the Watchoo Bros. can throw at us.

I won't miss Hollywood, that bloated neon vampire who sucked dry the talents of John Woo, Tsui Hark and Ringo Lam. I have indie filmmakers to keep me company and give me some IDEAS for a change. Or just plain fun, as is the case of Alvin Ecarma's Lethal Force.

Here's the plot: When his son is kidnapped by crippled crimelord Mal Locke (Andrew Hewitt, looking like Peter Fonda on a Trigun cosplay), the not-so-good guy Jack (Frank Prather) is forced to sell out his best friend and homo lover Savitch (Cash Flagg, Jr., a Bruce Li with baby fat).

You see, Savitch is a bad mothershafter. He's indestructible. He's faster than a speeding building. He has powers beyond that of the mere mortal man, including a cool way to reload pistols. And as the perfect prick he is, he made a lot of enemies along the way - including mystery woman Rita, played by Pam Grier's look-alike Patricia Williams.

Aided by an army of faceless goons (literally!) and a fez-wearing lesbian, Mal finally captures Savitch and proceeds to torture him with power tools. But Savitch, as we already established, is a badass mofo who can only be killed by the pure of heart (or something like that, judging by the ending). He breaks free, kicks some more ass in true Lone Wolf and Cub style, and then goes after his traitor friend Jack. Uh-oh. During the final confrontation, only one will survive - and it's not who you think.

Familiar ground here, right? Right. But Ecarma knows that. There's hardly a second without any mention to some cult thingie, from Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill! to Wonder Woman. Heck, there's even a line lifted from Attack of the 50 Foot Woman! But, and here's the catch: the homages don't get in the way of the storytelling. They ARE the storytelling. The entire movie is a send-up to the good ole days of Drive-In fun, and a hell of a joy ride it is! While Kevin Williamson would call attention to the homages and stop the narrative dead on the tracks, Ecarma just goes on with the in-jokes and leaves to the viewer the task of spotting all the references. Alas, Ecarma ran the extra mile by promoting his flick with a 70's-styled poster and a line of action figures! I kid you not. Check the official site at www.lethalforcethemovie.com, read the production diaries and be prepared to laugh your hemorrhoids off.

I love Lethal Force. I really do. I watched it three times in a month on the oh-so-hated VHS format, and even cared enough to REWIND the tape! And not just because this little gem, shot on film with a budget of $50,000 dollars, manages to blend every pop culture riff in unexpected ways. Nope. Ecarma gives us the most important thing since Daguerre moved his first picture: Likeable characters. This ain't no There's Something About Mary, where we root for Ben Stiller to lose his gregory pecker before he has the chance to boink Cameron Diaz. No. We care. In Lethal Force, we root for Jack to save his son. We want Savitch alive and kicking ass in the sequel, instead of being replaced by Antonio Banderas or Don "The Dragon" Wilson. We want to see Jack and Savitch patch up their differences with a big wet French kiss. Sure, the acting is not top notch as in, say, Hall of Mirrors, but it's convincing - at least in a cartoony way. That's not a bad thing. Remember how Bugs and Daffy had more screen charisma than Bill Murray in Space Jam? Whoops, there it is.

At little more than 70 minutes, Lethal Force moves pretty fast. It drags just a little during the nightclub sequence (c'mon... those gals are cute, but they sure can't dance!), and even that is redeemed by the gorgeous legs of Jen Dunkelberger as the G-String Kickboxer. Actually she's billed "New Girl Suzy", but I like "G-String Kickboxer" better.

The low-budget fight scenes are pretty good as well, with almost perfect editing and those goofy sound effects we know and love from Hong-Kong-fu flicks. The fights were choreographed by multi-talented Eric Thornett, who also plays über-baddie "Psycho Bowtie" and directed a cool indie film called 23 HOURS. And, as any decent action film should, LF delivers gore galore, with plenty of decapitations, crucifixions, trepanations, castrations and exploding heads, not to mention the blood-squirting eyeball gag from the trailer (BTW, looks like Sean Connery's cameo was left on the cutting room floor; watch the trailer and you'll know what I'm talking about!).

Lethal Force has only one fault: it's not yet available on the home video market. But thanks to the success the thing is making on festivals all over the... uh, USA, and the high scores it's getting at the IMDb polls (last time I checked it was scoring 9.9 points - more than The Matrix!) that soon will be corrected. Well, at least I hope so. I do.

Mad Mission, the first of the series, is the brainchild of singer/actor Samuel Hui (who, with his brother Michael, did a bunch of successful series in the late 70's and early 80's, like Private Eyes and Security Unlimited), producer/director Karl Maka and helmer Eric Tsang. Technically, the original MM it's a quasi-remake of 1972's Get Charlie Tully (a.k.a. Ooh, You Are Awful, with Dick Emery), to the point of recycling some gags scene by scene. The story shows how super-thief Sam "King" Kong (Sam Hui) managed to steal some diamonds in Hong Kong, only to become the target of the Italian Mafia, the Royal Hong Kong Police (personified by Sylvia Chang's character, the no-nonsense tough cop Nancy "Hot Tongue" Ho), and the AMERICAN detective Albert "Kodyjack" Au (Maka) (sadly, the joke that Kodyjack is REALLY supposed to be an American was lost in the dubbing).

Well, so far, so good... except for the fact that the movie never takes itself seriously for a single moment! From the unlikely friendship that develops between the burglar Sam and Kodyjack ("Hot Tongue" is almost always kept on the sides, unfortunately) comes one of the wackiest comedic duos since, uh, Tom & Jerry - and they are fully responsible to carry on the paper-thin plots of the series with their charm and comic timing. Of course, the outrageous set pieces and actions scenes help a lot, specially the last chase with remote-controlled cars rigged with bombs (something that Andy Sidaris later borrowed for his L.E.T.H.A.L. Force series). I don't want to give away the best gags (let the trailer do that), but keep an eye out for cameos from co-producer Dean Shek (who appears in lots of early Jackie Chan movies like Drunken Master and Snake In the Eagle's Shadow), the diminutive comedian/choreographer Hon Gwok Choi (Tiger. Vs. Dragon, Fearless Hyena II) as the snitch "Big Wang", and a young Tsui Hark as the director of a ballet that, with the "help" of Sam and Kodyjack, becomes a stage version of Dino DeLaurentiis' Flash Gordon (don't ask, just watch and try to catch the references!).

Mad Mission II, made with an even bigger budget, abandons the Charlie Tully connection and becomes an even wackier animal. How wackier? Well... the story starts with Henry Kissinger (!!!), still pissed off about the diamond heist from the first movie, hiring a Clint Eastwood look alike, Filthy Harry, to nail Sam and the traitor Kodyjack. How he does that? Well, Filthy Harry is a mercenary cowboy, so what a cowboy would do to get rid of an enemy?

Send a big giant transformer robot to his house, of course! But that's only part of the plot. The other main plot is about a mystery woman, Juliette, who's always tricking the easily seduced Sam to unknowingly rob banks and jewelries - and he ends up having to evade the cops AND arrive in time for the marriage of Kodyjack and Hot Tongue! Apart from the two Robotech-styled fights, you also get a bike chase, Sam riding a jetpack (c'mon, EVERYBODY loves jetpacks!) and Tsui Hark reappearing in the role of mental convict who fancies himself as an FBI agent - and, later, as an anti-bomb squad specialist.

But wait. You STILL haven't seen nothing yet! Mad Mission III, directed by Hark, is bigger, more ambitious and even more over-the-top than anything you may have seen in terms of comedy-adventure! The skinny: a James Bond look alike (played by a guy billed as Neil Connery, but NOT related to Sean) and a fake Queen Elizabeth (who's ORIENTAL!) con Sam into "stealing back" the crown's jewels - but they forget to mention that the jewels were never stolen in the first place! What this fake Bond wants is to sell the crown to a rich Arab who likes to collect expensive souvenirs, like the Statue of Liberty.

Sounds simple? Not so fast, cowboy. Hark, probably inspired by the big budget, throws even the kitchen sink in the story. We have cameos by Richard Kiel (a.k.a. Jaws from the James Bond series), Peter Graves on full Mission: Impossible mode (complete with self-destructing messages), an Odd job look alike and much, MUCH more. How much more? Well... all I can say is that an army of acrobatic Santa Clauses on jetpacks is just the BEGINNING of a long sequence that just gets crazier and crazier! Apart from that, you have pop culture jokes from anything to Jaws and Grand Slam to Max Max and Star Wars (the fake Bond's private army is as closer as they get to a Stormtrooper look without risking a lawsuit from Lucasfilm), and keep a sharp eye on the screen during the crime-solving computer scene. Unfortunately, this third installment lacks a lot of the heart that makes the series so lovable, and is usually viewed as the weakest of all (not counting the abysmal fifth installment, Mad Mission 5: The Terracota Hit).

And finally we have Mad Mission 4, the darkest installment of the series thanks to the direction of Ringo Lam. This one tells the story of a crystal that can be used to turn normal people into super-soldiers, and is sought after by a mischievous guy played by Ronald Lacey - better known as the bespectacled melting Nazi from the original Raiders of the Lost Ark.

If Michael Jackson dangling babies from the window outrages you, then be prepared for a heart attack: one of the very first stunts shows a REAL 4-year old kid hanging from a six-floor building. In fact, for the first time on the series we have a real sense of danger. So far, all the deaths and violence were pretty much cartooney. THIS time, we see Sammy really pissed, mowing villains with a machine gun - AND shooting to kill. But even with a higher body count (even innocent bystanders are shot dead), there's also place for the trademark humor of the series - mainly on a hockey game where the coach is none other than the legendary Wong Fei Hong (you even hear WFH's theme song!). Some people may be really pissed off with some humorous no-no's (that 4 y/o kid I mentioned also appears playing with real guns and live ammo!), but IMHO, this one still holds as the most exciting of the entire MM series.

Anchor Bay gave us really cool, anamorphic transfers for the four titles but, apart from long trailers that give away all the best stunts (avoid watching them before seeing the movies!), the amount of extras is exactly... zero! Another thing that kinda pissed me off is the English-dubbed only soundtrack, where lots of jokes were lost in the translation. If you want to hear the original track, you have to get the Universe editions (with a remixed 5.1 Mandarin/Cantonese track, and English subtitles). But, caveat emptor, Peter Graves is dubbed in the Universe DVDs, while his real voice can be heard only in the the Anchor Bay DVDs.

Cut to ten years later. The now grown-up lads gained powers beyond those of mere mortal men. Wind commands the wind (not THAT wind, but the kind that inflates sails!), Cloud controls water (something as useful as Zan's powers from the Super Friends cartoon, judging by a later sequence), and a third boy, Frost (Michael Tse), freezes his enemies with punches. Cool! But naughty Mud Buddha conveniently lets out the second part of the prophecy - you know, the BAD part - and hauls ass before Conquer finds out he was duped. Prophecy says that when Wind and Cloud unite for the same goal (so far, they've spent all the movie bickering), Conquer's ass will be grass. Obviously bad news, but powermad Conquer thinks he can control his own destiny. Poor sap. Since both boys have the hots for Charity, Lordy arranges her marriage with one of 'em. And just like in any chapter of "Days of Our Lives", that's not a good move - but Conquer is counting on that.

BTW, for a girl named "Charity", Conquers' daughter is very giving indeed. She likes both stepbrothers, but we know who we're rooting for. Wind, the romantic one, takes Charity on "Superman: The Movie"-like fancy flights, poetry readings, firefly-watching and other sissy stuff. Cloud, the tempestous one, just storms Charity's bedroom and fucks her silly. Atta boy!

So far, we're barely over the first hour. There's plenty more to come, including self-mutilation, grave robbery and a cool fire monster, but I don't wanna spoil the surprises. Let's talk about the cast instead. Kwok and Cheng are China's answer to Justin Timberlake, and they do a fairly decent job as leading lords (well, Cheng does; Kowk isn't that talented, but he tries). Sonny Chiba, as expected, puts the movie in the breast pocket and runs with it; his performance is operistic and kabuki-like, a perfect choice for a comic book villain. The guy was 59, but look at his muscles when he rips off his shirt; rrowwrrr! Yu Rong Guang shines on his cameo as Cloud's dad, omnipresent Anthony Wong has a (very) small but striking part, and soft-porn starlet Shu Qi repeats the same schlap-schtick from Jackie Chan's lamest film, "Gorgeous". Granted, she's cute, but her character is more annoying than Scrappy-Doo. A Valley Girl in medieval China? Sorry, me no buy it.

About the flick: eat your heart out, Goku! Run and hide, Vegita! Super Sayan, schmuper shmayan! Wind, Cloud, Frost and Conquer are the real deal! Thanks to lots of computer wizardry, our heroes fly around, move faster than a Keystone Cop, shine from inside with pretty colours and exchange body parts at will. All this insanity came from the minds of director Andrew Lau (Wai Keung Lau, NOT Andy Lau Tak-wah) and Ma Wing Ping, creator of the comic book used as basis for the screenplay (some critics label the comic as Manga, but aren't Manga supposed to be japanese?). All the sound of fury made this the Hong Kong blockbuster of 1998, and deservedly so. The Storm Riders may have an uneven story, but is pretty exciting when watched with the right frame of mind - meaning "check your brain at the door".

The reviewed DVD is the Brazilian edition by China Video, with the same transfer and extras from Tai Seng's version. There are portuguese subtitles on the making of (Tai Seng's has none), so if you have a friend who speaks spanish, that can help cuz both languages have similarities. Also included are non-subtitled trailers for Running Out of Time (dubbed in english), A Man Called Hero, The Storm Raiders (dubbed in portuguese), The Duel, Double Tap, Once Upon a Time in China and America (dubbed in english), High Risk (dubbed in english and full frame - eeep!!!) and Full Contact.

Once upon a time in 1914 China, Hero (Ekin Cheng) is accepted as the disciple of martial arts master Pride (Anthony Wong). When he comes home to tell the news to his proud parents, he finds everybody slaughtered. Hero's dad, a journalist, wrote a piece that pissed off the white opium traders, so they ordered the massacre--signed and all, very gangster-style. So it's up to Hero to avenge his family. He tracks the boss (played by an uncredited Paul Fonoroff, or at least a guy that looks a lot like him) and beheads the mudda in front of witnesses, including the weasely Bigot (played by HK's favourite heavie, Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong). That makes Hero a wanted man, so he flees to the USA leaving behind his gay brother Sheng (Jerry Lamb) and pregnant wife Jade (Kristy Yeung).

Cut to the present days (that's 1930 to you), with Sheng and Hero's son Sword (Nicholas Tse) arriving to USA in search of their long-lost bro and daddy. Now go grab some paper and pencil, and pay attention: from now on, the tale will be told thru a series of flashbacks. But don't worry. Some critics complained that the episodic format was "too convoluted". Not true. What makes things confusing is the fact that the main characters don't age a day, never change their clothes and keep the exact same haircut over an interval of 16 years! Bigot, who appears in all phases of the story, wears basically the same outfit from 1914 to 1930. Sheng, another key character, gets to be thirty-something with the exact baby-face from the beginning! Only Hero shows signs of aging thru white highlights. But then, maybe he just came from a fancy hairdresser.

Moving on: while Sword searches for dad (and Sheng, for his former homo lover), the tale of the man called Hero is told by three different characters. Monk Luohan (Ken Lo) starts the saga recalling the days when he and Hero landed on Ellis Island, and were promptly sent to do slave labor on a coal mine. Turns out that the mine's overseer is that dirty bastich Bigot. He recognizes Hero as the one who made his former China boss a foot shorter, so things start to get hairy. Again framed for murder (and this time it's not clear if he really killed someone), Hero has to run and hide again. This time he's aided by another pupil of Master Pride, Shadow (played by Deon Lam, voiced by Jordan Chan), an armless warrior who wears a mask and moves like The Flash on speed.

(BTW, this segment marks the return of fan fave Yuen Biao as the boss of the China Hotel. Hi there Yuen, nice to see you again! We know that you're more interested in playing golf than making movies, but hey, we miss you big boy!)

Now it's time for Sheng to tell the second part of the story, from the point when he and Jade, still preggers of Sword, came to NY to look for Hero. They find him, but the trio's happiness is short-lived. Five japanese ninjas (played by chinese actors) also arrive in New York in order to track and kill the two remaining disciples of Master Pride. This part recalls The Storm Raiders, also directed by Andrew Lau, and is pure eye candy. The super-ninjas wear Kato-like uniforms and have powers that grant 'em command over the earth, water and fire (the fire ninja is played Sam Lee Chan-Sam, who looks a lot like the live action version of Woody Woodpecker!). A CGI-filled fight ensues and the ninjas have their asses whooped by Hero and Shadow. But that's not the end. One of the ninjas is Mu (Shu Qi, this time on a serious and somber role). Mu gets the hots for Hero, who's faithful to Jade. The ninja leader Jin (Mark Cheng) wants to marry Mu, but she's not interested. Jin gets all riled up and does a bad deed that will change Hero's life once again. Oh yeah, Sword is born along with a twin sister, who's promptly forgotten by the screenwriters.

After seeing all sort of bad things happening to the ones he loved, Hero finds out that his karma is ruled by a death star (not THE Death StarT; just a generic death star of the astronomical kind), and is doomed to spend the rest of his days alone. Very sad, indeed. To hammer the point home, the sky gets dark and black stormy clouds appear at the exact moment Hero get this piece of information. How subtle.

Back to 1930, a.k.a. the present day. Sword and Sheng find Shadow and his daughter Kate (Grace Yip on a minuscule role and dressed like a man). Shadow tells us the last part of the tale, involving an weird duel with Pride and last-minute villain Invincible (Francis Ng) throwing water at each other. That sounds stupid in writing but it's exciting on the screen, trust me. Oh, and Master Pride gives Hero the Chinese Secret. I have no idea of what the Chinese Secret is, but it must be something important cause they spent a lot on special effects in that sequence. AT LAST Sword and Hero meet (it's a sad moment) and, to put the icing on the cake, Invincible faces Hero during a final duel atop a CGI Statue of Liberty. This moment is pure live-action Dragon Ball, and when Invincible breaks his sword and opens his arms. man alive!!! His pose alone is enough to take anime geeks into Otaku Nirvana!

I liked this movie better than Storm Riders, but the story leaves a lot of loose ends. The fate of Sword's sister, for example. She's kidnapped by Bigot seconds after her birth, and the only way to know what the heck happened to her is to bully Andrew Lau into making AMCH 2.

This review was based on the brazilian edition by China Video, a monstrosity that crams Universe's widescreen transfer and Yeon Sang's fullscreen version on the same side. There's also the making of and some trailers, making this one a pretty crowded disc. And that's a problem. The high compression rate cause some visible pixelation during the action-oriented scenes, and this sucks. Who needs a fullscreen version anyway? Oh yeah, Joe "me no like them black bars" Public. Stupid Joe "black bars cut image yes they do" Public. Because of things like that, sometimes I miss the days when DVDs were made for the richer elite, and Joe Public had no say about movie formats. Heck, anyone who prefers fullscreen over OAR is stupid, period!

I won't delve into the life and times of Tsui Hark or make comparisons between "Time and Tide" and his past work. I know he did better movies, but I like to look at the future as well. And judging by this brainless, adrenalin-pumping of a film, the future still looks pretty shiny and bright, thank you very much.

Plotwise, "Time" requires complete suspension of disbelief from the get-go. I mean, the villains are Chinese actors with Chinese features and Chinese accents. But they speak Spanish and have names like Juan, Pepe and Pablo, so we have to assume they are... Latin guys! I can live with that, except for one detail: the baddies apparently come from Aracaju, a famous beach in Sergipe, Brazil. So far, so good. But in Hark's "Aracaju", everybody speaks Spanish (Brazil's language is Portuguese) and there are tornadoes. Damn fucking TORNADOES, crognabbitt! FYI, there are NO twisters, earthquakes or active volcanoes to be found anywhere in Brazil, only some floods here and there. So now you know.

But why am I bitching about it? If Hark can get away with Chinese Latinos, he can put tornadoes in Sergipe if he wants to. At least the end result is a hell of an action scene, far more interesting with strong winds blowing stuff around than any boring, sunny scenario!

The story? Oh, yeah. Take notes. Here it goes: there's this lesbian policewoman called Ah Jo (Cathy Tsui) who's working as a prostitute decoy. Or maybe she likes to get out at night wearing funny wigs, who knows? After being dumped by her girlfriend, she goes to the nearest bar and challenges the bartender Tyler (Nicholas Tse) for a drinking game, or something like that. Next time we see 'em, they're puking on taxis and sleeping together. When Ah Jo wakes up with a man, she goes berserk. And with good reason: she got preggers with Tyler's seed.

But Tyler isn't the fuck'n'run type. He may steal Zippos from time to time, but he's a nice and responsible guy. Ah Jo wants to keep him away from her life at any cost, but Tyler REALLY cares about her and even gets a job at Uncle Ji's illegal bodyguard company. Tyler becomes the first bodyguard in movie history to walk around with a TOY GUN, cause Uncle Ji (played by the great Anthony Wong) doesn't want to give him a real one!

Meanwhile, we're introduced to Jack (singer Wu Bai), a former member of the Brazilian-Sino-Latin gang. The others call him "Juan", so I guess Jack is Latino too - what may be the reason why the wealthy father of his pregnant wife Ah Hui (Candy Ho) doesn't like him. Moving on: the gang is planning to move operations from the windy Hark-aracaju to Hong Kong, but that idea doesn't sit well with Jack, who wants to put his past far, far away, and concentrate on his new life.

There we have it: both Tyler and Jack have pregnant ladies to take care of. So where does that lead us?

It leads us nowhere, cause Hark just throws the story away at this point and starts piling action sequence over action sequence until the last frenetic frame. We already know what we have to about the main characters, we know we like 'em and seeing 'em dying would be not very nice, and now... IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!

Action is what we have, in spades and filmed in ways we rarely see since they invented CGI stuntmen. Apart from some Matrix-like effects here and there, what we see is a bunch of REAL stunts, with people jumping from tall buildings that are not green-screen composites. There is a ton of gunplay (see a woman shooting a guy WHILE GIVING BIRTH!), car chases, exploding refrigerators, ass kicking, flying babies and so on till the happy ending!

Got your attention? Good. Now let's get down to business.

"Ninja: The Final Duel" is a colorful, ultra-kinetic, gore-drenched and delightfully zany taiwanese production that's been shrouded in mystery and a lot of confusion... until now! Complete sequences were reused in "Shaolin Vs. Ninja" and 1999's "Shaolin Dolemite" (yes, Rudy Ray Moore did "Kung Pow!" three years earlier!), and legend says the original cut is 8-hours long. Well... sorry, but that's not accurate. Let me dispel those rumours once and for all, okay?

This little epic had three sequels, ALL named "Ninja: The Final Duel" by overseas distributors on dope. It's hard to keep track of 'em all (the IMDb is never reliable when it comes to asian stuff), and bootleggers used to put all three on one single tape and call it simply "Ninja: The Final Duel", giving rise to the 8-hour production assumption. Versions on TV and home video have bits and pieces of each film mixed in, but the DVD release by Crash Cinema is actually the second volume of the "Ninja" series in its entirety.

For the ones who didn't see part one, a quick recap tells how the japanese ninja clan tried to take over China, only to have their asses handed to them by the Shaolin monks. In shame over the defeat, the Ninja Leader commited sepukku (sissy!). That pissed off this brother, also a ninja boss (I don't know how to spell his name, so I'll call him "Master Pantless"; look at his outfit in the last sequence and you'll know why), who vowed to destroy the entire Shaolin clan.

Meanwhile, we find out that the Shaolin Abbott (Richard Tseng) isn't much thrilled with the victory over the ninjas. Being a peace-loving guy, he closes the temple for visitors and refuses to accept challenges. But the vengeful ninjas break in and wreck havok, leaving a lot of beheaded corpses behind. So the Abbott, aided by japanese envoy Wong Chi Chow (Alexander Lo in full Bruce Lee copycat mode, nose gesture and all) and his comic-relief aide Chian Tin (Charliema Tsu), gathers his forces and goes out to kick Master Pantless ass once again.

Oh well. Just another of those reverent and meaningful revenge plots that are the basis of kung fu movies, correct?

Wrong. Ah, but that's SO wrong you have no idea! "Ninja: The Final Duel" not only gives the Power Rangers a run for their money when it comes to extremely absurd fight scenes and characters, but will have you laughing so hard that it is better not watch it with a full stomach!

The fun starts right in the first scenes, where we see ninjas using their elemental skills (spelled "ELEMET" on the subtitles), while an informative voiceover narrates what we're seein' onscreen. Ninjas not only fly thru the air and disappear at will; they also burrow through sand like Bugs Bunny, ride giant flying aquatic spiders (don't-fucking-ask!) and break large ice blocks. That last part surprised me the most because there were no iceboxes in Medieval China. But then I was introduced to two gay hare-krishna fighters from California (Silvio Azzolini and Ahmed Najja) and a jive-talkin' Black Monk from Harlem (Eugene Thomas, credited as Eugene T. Trammell), so I just sat back and let it slide. This is a Robert Tai movie, folks! The same guy who made "Death Cage" and "Ninja Death"! What was I expecting? Historical accuracy? The soundtrack steals entire cues from "Rambo" and "Ghostbusters", so I wouldn't be surprised to see ninjas using AKs or ghost-catching weapons.

When it comes to action, "Ninja: The Final Duel" is a blast. A BLAST, man! The Swastika Trap choreography must be seen to be believed, and of course there's the famous scene with Alice Tseng, full-frontally naked, facing an army of ninjas. Some sequences are sped up to ridiculous extremes and the wirework is awful, but even that adds to the fun. The fight scene between Master Pantless and the Black Monk at the beach is so over-the-top that you just have to LOVE it.

Yes, we do have a big ass green area in the north of the country, the Amazon Rain Forest, located in the state of Amazonas. But that's as far as we go in terms of Savage Land. Our country has a decent amount of ecological reserves, but there's no naked cannibals running amok the urban streets of Rio de Janeiro or São Paulo. You won't find snakes under the hotel bed and there are no piranhas in our beaches (they can't survive in salt water, dammit!). Not even Amazonas is as thrilling. Giant cobras are rare and they don't move about like springs, and you're more likely to be eaten by a bunch of regular-sized alligators than a single huge crocodile. And even that involves a lot of bad luck, for our lazy alligators prefer to spend the day tanning in the sun, and will only bite if you're stupid enough to come close and pat 'em on the head.

Italian director Michele Massimo Tarantini, neé Michael E. Lemick, now lives in Brazil. He knows the country. He should have known better before committing this offending piece of trash. But then again, maybe not. If he portrayed the REAL Amazon, this movie wouldn't have been so stupidly amusing.

The story of "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" (a.k.a. "Nudo e Selvaggio" and renamed "Amazonas" for the Dragon release, although the opening credits maintain the English title) is clichéd to the very last speck of celluloid. We have the charismatic American actor Michael Sopkiw, in his last film, as the not-so-invincible Kevin (to Tarantini's credit, the hero gets his butt whooped in the beginning, while trying to beat two guys twice his size). We have the tropical version of Professor Challenger (in this case, "Professor Ibañez") and his gorgeous daughter (soap opera star and professional Indy racer Suzane Carvalho, from "Women In Fury"; she has a site here. We have the impotent, neurotic 'Nam vet José and his posh high-maintenance wife (Marta Anderson, also in "Dona Flor and Seus Dois Maridos"). And to add gratuitous T&A, we have a photographer and two models. Oh yeah, there's also cameos by the great, late Jofre Soares, who worked with José Mojica Marins in "The Black Exorcism of Coffin Joe", and comedian Roberto Roney wasted as an unfunny drunk.

Kevin is a macho archaeologist (isn't that an oxymoron?) from the Boston Institute of Archaeology. I don't know if Boston really does have such an institute, but I'm sure the name was chosen because it rhymes with "bosta", a Brazilian slang for "shit". Kevin wants to dig dinosaur bones on a forbidden area of Amazonas, and the only one with clearance to go there is Prof Ibañez. He then kisses the scholar's ass by quoting his books (much like that annoying kid from "Jurassic Park") and gets a free ride with the above-mentioned crew. But the plane crashes (it's one of them Star Trek-like crashes), leaving 'em stranded in the heart of the jungle (BTW, it's not even the real Amazonas, but the Tijuca Forest in Rio de Janeiro!). On the way to get back to civilization, they stumble on hungry alligators, piranhas, quicksand and a tribe of meat-eating Indians who smoke pot, use pyrotechnics and have a lot of med school plastic skulls around. But the real threat is an illegal mine where the sadistic China (actor Carlos Imperial, who's not Chinese at all) abuses his slave laborers. Everything's derivative, but at least it's well directed and full of gore and nudity.

If you like cheese, you'll like "Amazonas", but here's a fair warning: the scene depicted on the cover art can only be found in another b-movie called "Conan the Barbarian", starring a muscleman with a funny name full of letters; I think you've heard about this one. Oh, and sharp ears will recognize the score. It's the same one composed by Andrew Barrymore for Lamberto Bava's "Blastfighter" (also starring Sopkiw, also co-written by Dardano Sacchetti, who's not credited in "Massacre"), with a lame pseudo-Latin song thrown in to add the "Brazilian" flavor. Yeough, I say.

Then I saw the specs of the "new" set. All titles... in full-fucking-frame! The image quality is decent (not restored), but why not keep the original scope, like the Simitar releases? Trailers? Ferget it, sonny. Extras? Nussin' but an ad for Atari Game Cube's "Destroy All Monsters Melee", where Godzilla and ten other titans fight like Bruce Lee and Neo. Untampered? Try "with the same lame dubbing of yore, and lotsa minutes chopped". Ultimate? Ultimate my ass, chum!

Oh well, enough with the bitchin', let's get down to business and give you the lowdown of the flicks.

GODZILLA, KING OF THE MONSTERS (1954) Yep, the one that started it all - but not "the original black and white classic starring Raymond Burr" as the back cover states, cuz the REAL Godzilla runs two minutes longer, is Perry-Masonless, and generally better. On the plus side, even the tampered version remains powerful from the very first frame, with an opening shot of Tokyo in shambles more impressive than Irwin Allen's catastrophe flicks from the 70's. In fact, one entering the theater without reading the opening credits could easily mistake this for a serious drama about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki - at least until the part where 'Zilla makes his very first appearance as a glorious... glove puppet! The original Gojira plays more like a mystery than a monster movie. It starts in the vein of Disney's 20.000 Leagues Under the Sea, with Japanese merchant ships in the Pacific being decimated by a weird radioactive glow from beneath the water. The only survivors soon die of radiation poisoning the culprit, of course, is a 50-meter tall dinosaur christened "Gojira" by the superstitious citizens from Odo Island. It's up to a scientist named Dr. Serizawa to snuff the beast with his recently discovered Oxygen Destroyer - a weapon so dangerous, that the pacifist Serizawa will only use as a last resort and at a great cost. Caveat emptor: this is NOT the usual monster mash associated with Godzilla movies. Nope. This is a very serious sci-fi movie, produced by a country still scarred from the atomic bombing that happened only nine years earlier. The images of destruction are creepy and powerful because they show the effects of Big G not only on model buildings, but on the people as well. All this carnage is narrated by the journalist Steve Martin (Burr, in scenes shot by Terry Morse for the American version), and even if some people may hate the Americanization version, it gives a cool international tone for the disaster (during a scene in a press room, you can hear some journalists broadcasting the G-Menace in several languages, including, to my surprise, a perfect Brazilian Portuguese!).

RODAN (1956) Although not directly related with the Godzilla franchise at the time (he would only meet the Big G in 1964's Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster), Rodan is historical by two reasons: it was the first color kaiju eiga produced by Toho Studios, and the character became the blueprint for Mothra (who debuted in 1961 on a solo movie and THEN was incorporated into Godzilla's lore). Ignore the shots of atomic bombings that kickstart the movie, spliced there by the American distributor to force connections with the Big G's radioactive origins. In fact, Rodan's "birth" owes more to The Lord of the Ring's Balrog: when greedy miners dig too far and too deep, they unearth... a bunch of man-eating caterpillars! Of course, they're only there to serve as food for a bigger monster - in this case, a prehistoric pterodactyl that can fly at sonic speeds and cause hurricanes with his mighty wings. Oh, and he also has a MATE! The movie is excellent, creepy, explores ecological themes that would be later re-used in the Mothra franchise, and ends on an ironic note showing us that monsters aren't that bad. But do yourself a favor and try to get the Japanese version, with an extra 8 minutes.

GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA (1964) This one is more or less of a remake of the original Mothra, with Godzilla put in to add more, uh, "stomp". The movie starts with a giant egg appearing on the shores of Japan. A greedy businessman promptly purchases the egg to build a theme park around it and make lotsa money. Problem is, said egg belongs to the giant moth that rules Infant Island. At first, two pint-sized singing girls try to retrieve the egg with the help of a reporter, a photographer and a scientist. They fail, so Mothra herself decides to pay a visit to the Egg Theme Park. Problem is Godzilla also appears - and he wants an egg salad! Of all the Godzilla sequels, this is touted as one of the best, and with good reason: the story is cool, Mothra's first appearance is iconic, and this may be one of the first (and only) Godzilla movies that's actually LONGER in the American version - namely, during all the mentions of the Frontier Missile, in scenes shot at request of AIP to give it an international feel.

GODZILLA'S REVENGE (1969) Oy vey, this one IS silly. It's Godzilla in the way of Sid and Marty "H.R. Puff'n'Stuff" Kroft, and one of the lamest entries of the Showa period. But, somehow, children love it - mainly because it puts together an ungodly amount of monsters in stock footage (Ebirah, Gabara, Anguirus, Gorosaurus, Kamacuras, Kumonga and even Manda!), a kid named Ichiro, AND a friendly monster who resembles a talidomide version of Baby Sinclair from the Dinosaurs TV series. It's Minya (or Minilla), 'Zilla's son, and guess what… he TALKS! While Ishiro has troubles with his schoolmates (maybe for basically being a sissy who talks about Monster Island all the time, instead of giving some love to the cute girl who's obviously smitten with him), Minilla is also being bullied by Gabarah - kind of a scaly version of Nelson Muntz. With the help of Godzilla, Ishiro and Minilla overcome their fears. Minilla kicks Gabarah's tail, and Ishiro… uh… he single-handedly defeats two stupid bank robbers who act like Abbot and Costello after a lobotomy. Hey, I SAID this one was silly, didn't I?

TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA (1975) And then there's the classic Terror of Mechagodzilla - a.k.a. the one with the most convoluted plot ever (second only to the time-travel hijinks of 1998's Godzilla Vs. King Ghidorah). This one mixes a mad professor embittered with humanity, his cyborg daughter (you can tell she's a robot cause she never blinks - and you thought Spielberg was smart in A.I., eh?), space invaders who dress like Esper and wants to rule the world with the help of a meanie called Titanosaurus, and, of course, the robotic title character. The American version chops off four minutes of plot that explains a major character's sacrifice, but hey, by then we should already be used to that! But at least there's lots of exciting fight scenes, and it's a fitting end to the Showa period.

Now let's sit and wait for a REAL Ultimate Collection of our favorite giant lizard, cause this one is just a false alarm.