Footnote: Fu Sheng, better known to most as Alexander Fu Sheng, was killed in an auto accident while filming "Eight Diagram Pole Fighter". Prior to his death, he had just moved into the Hong Kong home of Bruce Lee, which was said to be cursed. Strange...

Here's our first exhibit: 36th Chamber of Shaolin, starring Gordon Liu, also known as Lau Ka Fai, and directed and choreographed by Liu Chia-Liang, whom many of you may know better as Lau Kar Leung, the man who directed most of Drunken Master 2 but got fired by Jackie Chan because he...meaning Liu...wanted the martial arts element to be more accurate than was customary for that film's illustrious star.

Is there a question back there? The restrooms? They're over there. Down the hall, on the left. You're welcome.

This film is one of many from the period...1978, to be exact...that has multiple titles. It also goes by the names of "Master Killer" and "Shaolin Master Killer." We believe that "36th Chamber of Shaolin" is the most appropriate title, however, since there comes a point when the lead character, San Te, proposes the institution of a 36th training chamber in the Shaolin Temple for the benefit of the general Chinese public. But I digress. To start things off...

I'm sorry? What's that? Oh. That way. Down the hall, on the left. You're welcome.

To start things off, there's a secret revolution of sorts against the tyranny of the Manchus, and our hero enlists after watching his family and friends get brutally slaughtered. Not the most imaginative impetus, perhaps, but it serves, and many similarly-themed martial arts films followed. San Te manages to con his way into a sort of unofficial Shaolin scholarship, and...excuse me, young man, but we don't permit museum patrons to touch the exhibits, especially patrons who have just finished jacking off to the Naked Killer display. Those ropes are there for a reason, you know.

San Te, for some reason, fails to mention his motivations to the temple elders until a whole year is passed, at which point he...

Yes? Oh. Down the hall, on the left. You're welcome.

At which point he begins a series of grueling training sequences which, in many other kung fu films, would be replaced by fight scenes. 36th Chamber of Shaolin has the distinction of being one of the most, if not THE most training-intensive martial arts films of all time. Mind you, not ALL of the temple's 35 chambers get their own sequence; that would make for an intolerably long movie.

Speaking of "long", it seems that some of our guests are really taking their time in the restrooms. Can I have a volunteer to go and make sure everything is all right? Woah! I only need ONE volunteer! You there, why don't you go? That's correct, down the hall, on the left. Hurry back.

Where was I? Oh yes, the training chambers. Well, eventually, San Te completes the gamut, and the elders offer him the chance to become the overseer of any one chamber of his choice. Instead, he suggests a 36th chamber be opened so that people other than monks can learn Shaolin self-defense techniques. This proposal outrages the elders, who cast San Te out. From there, the film's previously laborious pace accelerates drastically.

Huh? Oh, for...down the hall, on the left. Where all the others have gone.

So, San Te goes and starts fighting the Manchus, which is something the film has built up to for about an hour and a half. When all is said and done...

WHAT?!? Are you deaf?!? Down the fuckin' hall, on the fuckin' left. Yeah, you too, asshole.

After all I've done for this place, here's where I end up; alone in front of a kung fu movie that's almost all training sequences, behind glass, roped off, on a fuckin' pedestal it doesn't deserve, talking to myself. A tour guide without a tour group. A fine thing! Hey Mike, tell the boss I quit. I'm heading someplace where my skills will be appreciated!