This film is exactly what I have been waiting for. It's about time that a realistic, honest and unapologetic film about superheroes has come to light. Nothing comes close to the thematic elements incorporated in this movie. The characters are unique and iconic. The fight choreography is well done and it's funny to think about how mainstream martial arts have become in big budget Hollywood flicks. The sad part is most Americans don't realize how mainstream martial arts have become within our own society. "The Matrix" trilogy, "Lethal Weapon 4" (yes, I still carry the torch for that flick and you can eat my ass if you ain't feelin' me), "The Transporter", and now "Watchmen" are all basically martial arts movies. Don't agree? Then ask yourself this: what is the core type of action that fuels each one these films? Hmmm. Interesting.

I'm going to be a good monkey and not kick you cats any spoilers, but I will tell you what I can. The story is brilliant and fairly plausible. The fights are very enjoyable, especially considering how schlocky and mundane American style fight choreography can be. Some noticeable changes from the graphic novel are present, but I don't want to get too specific because like I said I'm trying to keep this spoiler-free. Next to "Sin City" this is the best comic book movie adaption in existance. "Watchmen" covers many social, moral, philosophical and realistic concepts that are rarely acknowleged in films of this genre.

Don't know who the fascinatingly tenacious and uncompromising character of Rorschach is? Ever seen a realistic portrayal of superheroes? Do you know what Malin Akerman looks like naked? If you answered "no" to any of these questions, you might want to give this a chance. You should also definitely be sure to watch the director's cut. It's three hours of the best movie viewing that I have ever experienced.

Oh crap, I got to be somewhere. Sorry to cut out but I'll be at you. Peace.

Today on the menu we will be revisiting the third "Once Upon A Time In China", or as many of us think of it, the last OUATIC movie with street cred. After this one Vincent Zhao (aka Chui Man Chuk) took center stage as the great master Wong. He did an excellent job but the series seemed to lose its spark. This film was the last one with that spark. While it was dramatically less amazing than the two that preceded it, this one still manages to entertain and thrill while maintaining its overall feel and mythology.

This movie also features the introduction of one of my favorite OUATIC characters, Clubfoot, who is played by the highly skilled and severely underappreciated Xiong Xin Xin. That man is a beast and he brings sick amounts of intensity and vigor to the role of Clubfoot. I would have to say that an argument could be made that from the third movie on, Xiong Xin Xin was carrying the whole project on his back.

As my homegirl, Cinema!, stated in her review, the lion dances are beautiful, vicious and fun to watch, but the downside (like some other reviewers have stated) is that we wind up missing out on an intense one-on-one square-off like the first and second film. In the end of the first we get Jet Li vs. Wang Yu: legendary. In the second we get Jet Li vs. Donnie Yen: way sick. In the third we get: stiffed. That's not right, folks. If you got a good recipe that everyone can enjoy, you probably shouldn't tamper with the spices.

But despite a drop in various qualities and too much cousin courting, this film is still completely crucial in my eyes. Let's face it, all of the "Once Upon A Time In China" movies rock and this one is no different. Complete the collection and take in the struggle for China's independence and the adventures of legendary warriors. Or you can wait for the next big budget, trendy Hollywood fanboy fu drivel. Oooo, my friends and coworkers seem pretty excited about this movie called "Fighting". I saw a trailer and apparently these people I know are tools. It looks lame.

Stick with the quality classics that come directly from Asia and buy them here. Nobody paid me to write that, so I'm probably not blowin' smoke. Take care of what you can and make plans for all the other stuff. Be safe, folks. Peace.

*may contain spoilers*

The story and action were great and the characters were both interesting and amusing. Humorous, fun-filled and with excellent special effects. Even a good dose of some really well choreographed kung fu sword fights. Easily one of the best comic book movies of all time! I loved "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army". What? Oh, my bad, I just like curve balls and sucker punches. That was funny.

Whatever, let's address these issues that I am still arguing with people over.

MISCONCEPTION #1: Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker in the film was excellent and possibly the best Joker performance ever. If ever there was one statement that someone could make that says "yeah, I love me some crack", I believe that would be the statement. Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker was horrendous. Like my dudes on this site have stated, lip licking and smacking don't exactly produce the most inspired performance. I am well aware that Mr. Ledger was given a specific graphic novel to model his Joker after, but you should not model a character with numerous appearances on one specific instance. And he still did it poorly because the Joker from that graphic novel was still loving what he was doing and having fun wreaking destruction like every incarnation of the Joker ever--except Heath's. Heath's Joker was this empty, morose, purposeless, generic white trash serial killer.

What about his phenomenal voice acting? Balls. He stole that device of the raspy midwestern accent from fellow British actor Hugh Laurie who has been doing it much better for years on the television show "House". His Joker didn't laugh or have fun and was pretty much closer to crying the whole movie. People talk about how dark his portrayal of the Joker is, but it was nowhere near dark enough, just shallow and mild. Yeah, I will give it to you folks, the "disappearing pencil trick" was freaking awesome, but one bad ass moment doesn't make a performance. Oh, and what was up with the knife fixation? The Joker doesn't care how he offs your ass as long as it's fun and creative. Stabbin' fools ain't creative, it's just a desperate gimmick to facilitate a synthetic gritty feel.

You folks have the audacity to compare his pathetic interpretation with Jack Nicholson's?!? That's not just dumb, that's retarded. You may need someone to look after you for your own safety. Jack Nicholson is a goddamn screen legend who delivered a powerful, fun, menacing, humorous and haunting performance as the clown prince. If you didn't get that then they probably don't even make the right medication for your condition. Myopia.

Moving on.

MISCONCEPTION #2: "The Dark Knight" is the best Batman movie. Bullshit. The best Batman movie should feature Batman for over 30 percent of the movie. You barely really got to see Bruce/Batman for most of the film. I felt the action was very mild and sterile, the writing was quite poor, and with the exception of Harvey Dent all of the characters seemed empty and bland.

We should also take measure of how bad ass their Batman was. Not very. There are action scenes in this film that make me cringe at how bad they are done. One scene in particular has the caped crusader taking on a whole bunch of armed gangsters with some punching and elbow combinations as he casually strolls through the middle of all of these guys. No one even thinks to shoot him! Are these cats really gangsters if they are so damn stupid as to not shoot an enemy that is wandering around and taking out their associates right in front of them? Gotham City clearly has the most bitch-made ignorant hoodlums around. The scene looks ridiculous as he just takes these non resisting fools out with simple punches when he should have been using more of his bat devices and weapons mixed in with his hand-to-hand combat (that was very bad by the way) to make it more believable that he could take out more people quickly, efficiently and in a believable manner. Instead all these fools just stood around waiting for their turn to get knocked out. I kept thinking that if this lame Batman tried to fight crime in the downtown area of my city he would have had a very short career. Yeah, we shoot fools and that fool would have got shot.

To top matters, more time is used to showcase a very bad Joker performance and to develop the character of Harvey Dent who winds up getting screwed, underutilized and played out at the end thanks to the previously mentioned bad writing. I should say though that Aaron Eckhart's performance as Harvey Dent/Two-Face was excellent and in my opinion the best performance in the entire movie. One decent performance. Bummer.

MISCONCEPTION #3: It is the best comic book movie ever. Again, bullshit. As I have already explained in moderate detail, none of the characters held the integrity or barely any resemblance to the source material. This Batman was not as smart, strong or as skillful as he should be, which just takes away from an amazing character. The Joker was a sad and pathetic clown that would probably get chopped up by Dexter over a light lunch. The Harvey/Two-Face character was excellent but he got fucked and so did the audience.

In the very end of the film, Batman decides to play martyr and accept the blame for the "catastrophic" events in the film so Harvey can die as a pure conceptual ideal. Like the truth would have been that hard to cope with for the citizens of Gotham. I get the fact that the citizens needed something noble to depend on, but wasn't that the point of being Batman in the first place?!? Couldn't Batman be that noble, honorbound shining symbol of hope and goodness in the city, especially when he has never wavered? That ending was idiotic.

So in summation: how can this be the best of any film if it is not even a good movie at all? Bad writing, weak performances, low energy action, distracted directing and it comes complete with a bad ending. Because that's what makes classics: bad endings. If no one would have hyped this movie up to me, I would have maybe thought it was okay, but not good, and definitely not great. Unfortunately when you build up a bad movie as a great to someone who knows the difference, it can piss all over the experience.

Completely abysmal garbage that verges on meaningless but contains a few interesting and entertaining scenes. Nothing special at all, but the masses love it. Check it out, you might like it, but I sure as fuck didn't.

Keep your left up, folks and don't forget to stay moving. Bastard out.

This movie uses the classic kung fu movie theme of super warriors with elemental powers and the low budget special effects are employed adequately, but I think the scope and story of this movie really required much better funding. Immortal warriors with super powers should throw each other through concrete, not dry wall. I think the grandeur of the story hurt this movie the most.

I also realize that without the extra talent from "Contour" I only like to see two or three of the Stunt People performing. Eric Jacobus, Chelsea Steffensen and the Asian kid are really the only ones I find entertaining to watch. The rest of the stars and stunt performers were not all that skillful or at least did not look that great performing the fights or acting.

Something should definitely be said about Eric Jacobus. He is a champ waiting for his moment. He's kind of like the low budget unknown white Jackie Chan. That boy has got great skills and an impressive arsenal of techniques at his disposal.

The writing of the movie was actually pretty okay too. Overall I would say the movie was quite enjoyable and contained a bunch of well done funny moments as well as some pretty nice fight scenes. Definitely worth seeing but I would not say it is mandatory.

This movie is filled with foul-mouthed, fist fightin', knife stabbing, raw and rough, chaotic fun. Good splashes of humor are thrown in to somewhat moderate the dark and violent tone of the film. It balances each of its attributes quite well and makes good use of many classic themes involving adolescence and growing up, the bonds of friendship, and the need to stand your ground even under daunting circumstances.

This movie also makes good contributions in the noir/gangster department, especially with the fact that the main characters, the "Three Fellas" are all by classic standards and for all intents and purposes bad guys. These cats get drunk, talk shit, and fight in the street like dogs for the sake of territoriality. I'm starting to wonder if there is some ancient connection in lineage between Korean and Irish folks. Drinkin' and fightin', you know? We all do it but they seem to do it like Sarah Palin talks dumb shit: naturally and with complete confidence.

"Three Fellas" is a fun ride that I am glad to have in my collection. My only complaints involve the end fight's lack of a conclusion, you know, one of those "you decide the outcome" deals. That was pretty annoying, but the overall product was good enough that I can excuse this one flawed part of the film. That's rare for me. Usually if I have any major gripes about an ending it can kill the whole movie for me ("Signs", "Identity", "Matrix:Revolutions", etc.) but not in this case. I found this movie to work exactly in the ways that it needed to and it is yet another reason that I love Korean movies.

I was gonna' add a chaos tally but my kid is trippin' so I got to bail. Sorry, folks, but we'll catch up another time. Oh and if anyone is keeping score at home, little Billy didn't make it. We were unable to revive or reincarnate him. Apparently, we were using the King James version of the Necronomicon. I have some digging to do. Good night, folks.

See, things have changed a lot since I came up, especially in movies. Between extreme amounts of CGI, wires, "star power", and blatant commercialism, films these days (especially martial arts films) have basically lost sight of the essentials. "Black Belt" brings back that absolute sense of what is essential. It replays that classic theme of colleages/brothers/students that go their opposing ways to discover their own personal paths. This theme was popular in a bunch of old school kung fu flicks and some cop/triad flicks from the 90's. The most recent case of this plot device that comes to memory is "Tai Chi Master". This device is used perfectly for this film and produces a necessary contrast to appreciate the finer philosophical aspects that occur both subtly and obviously throughout the movie. A true zen film. It's so zen it hurts. It's all about that ol' "my path is my path because it is the path set before me" crazy phunk.

The fights were amazing. It was the most pure karate that I have seen in any movie or show ever. The precision and expert proficiency of every fighter is showcased beautifully and brutally. It was the best and most authentic karate movie that I have seen. Period. When we conjure up thoughts of karate movies we probably think of Sonny Chiba or Jim Kelly. Perhaps even the "Karate Kid" movies and, let's face it, all those ninja movies that we watched in the 80's were basically karate flicks. I'm not sure Japan really got a chance to make a truly authentic and original karate movie since the 80's due to the whole Hong Kong style action craze that hit around '99. After that Japanese action and martial arts movies transformed into a complete mixed bowl of martial arts, boxing, gymanstics and various dance movements--basically a wanna-be Peking opera performer style. Technically this change over probably started in the late 70's.

Because of these trends in choreography and movies, we had not really been given a chance to see how good a true and pure karate movie could be. I needed a movie like this to come along and show me that great films are still being made and that using themes that may be somewhat old can be used in such refreshing ways that it revitalizes the genre.

"Black Belt" will probably be many things to many people. For some it is a powerful drama, for others it will be the best samurai film they have seen in a long time, and to many others it might be just another martial arts flick--but hopefully at least an exceptional one. For me it is to karate what "Ong-Bak" is to Muay Thai, what "Prodigal Son" is to Wing Chun" or what "Throw Down" is for Judo. It displayed its method in a way that we felt, understood and appreciated with masterful class and diligence. "Black Belt" is a good example of the whole reason why I watch movies in the first place. I want to be taken away to another world and shown fascinating things. I wasn't disappointed here. A great storyteller/philosopher once said that a journey has little do with where you are heading but more to do with what happens on the way. This film embodies that sentiment. A drink to good journeys!

Stuff you might think or say when you watch this movie:

1. Damn, Taikan is a bad-ass.
2. Damn, Giryu is a bad-ass.
3. That was the sickest reverse punch that I have ever seen!
4. Ooooo!
5. That was some pretty deep shit.

Well, thanks for playing, folks. Tune in to next week's show when we will bring little Billy back from the grave using only tic tacs and a copy of the Necronomicon.

This movie seemed liked a good landmark film to commemorate my degenerate rantings. *may contain spoilers. I will trip a little* Get on the bus and take a trip into a little piece of the Twilight Zone that Mr. Serling didn't get a chance to show us.

"Old Boy" will take you completely sideways and leave you in a dark alley with nothing but a razor blade and bag of doughnuts to survive on. Easily one of the greatest revenge movies of all time and possibly the illest. This movie takes you to weird and wrong places but constantly reasures you that the journey is worth every step. It is, too. Acting performances and direction are all in excellent form and the story is something that will stick with you no matter how many showers you take. Spoilers ahead. Beware. It's so raw and ill, damn I love it. Dude asks for something alive to eat! He trains himself to become not only a warrior but the primary tool of his own revenge. That shit is hot! This movie is so bold that it tackles heavy and taboo subjects like revenge, imprisonment, incest, torture and gritty realistic violence fist first. It ain't shy.

Wizard Magazine rated the claw hammer fight in the corridor as one of the best fight scenes of all time. While it is true the writers of that magazine don't really know shit about greatest fight scenes (that's more our department, isn't it?) they were actually right to include this fight scene. This fight scene is chapter 7 in the Tartan Asian Extreme version of the film and the chapter is titled "one versus many". The protagonist takes on somewhere between 7 and 11 shady fools in a narrow corridor utilizing nothing but a claw hammer and some pretty awesome boxing. This fight is essential viewing to any fan of high quality screen fights.

Brutal and worthy of repeated viewings, every film lover should have copy of this in their collection. Disturbing, provacative and highly entertaining. Highly recommended for children and grandparents.

Therapy for emotional scarring: $9,000. Medication and sleep aids for twisted dreams: $600. The look on their faces when their minds finally snap: priceless. Bastard Ronin goes everywhere you're not sure you want to be.

Thanks for reading, folks. Now go do something that pisses on conventional thought. I do it all the time...

I got to say I loved this film. It fills me full of urges to travel the world to kick fighters in the neck and skull area. Some reviewers are saying it is not up to par with "Ong-Bak" and "Tom Yum Goong", but it's kind of an apple/oranges kind of thing. "Fighter In The Wind" may not have as many fights as those two mentioned, but there is undeniable quality in the fights that are present. It also has an excellent story that has good demension and progression. Man, this dude absorbs enough wounds and punishment through his lifetime that it would make John McClane pee a little.

It is possible that martial artists might dig this flick a little more than non martial artists, but don't quote me on that, just give it a try. To sum up: great fights, great story, and a great movie. Should you have need of a bastard in the near future, holla atcha' boy.

I honestly don't get where all this animosity for this film comes from. People diss it because the girl is small so many basically sign right here off as weak. Size is a factor in power. That I can't deny, but also so is proper technique. With good technique any sized individual can manifest amazing power beyond their stature. I'd love for you folks to question the power of the small man who taught me Muay Thai. I'm a good sport so I would totally call an ambulance for you after I finished laughing my ass off at what he did to you.

Allow me to be equal parts sexist and scientific. There is a greater need for suspension of disbelief in any movie were a small or average sized chick physically takes out grown men. Because that doesn't happen. Men are bigger, stronger and have higher endurance to physical trauma than women. Don't give me that damn look. I didn't make up physics. Look dat shit up. So basically if you hold any film where a woman is a complete badass in high regard, then on some level you too have disregarded reason in favor of entertainment. Good for you, that is what it's there for.

The martial arts choreography and delivery in this film are exemplary as well as extraordinary. Many critics have touted Jeeji Yanin as the female Tony Jaa, which isn't really fair to her as she does have her own distinct style and flair, though many of the large and daring moves do have that trademark Thai seal of approval like Tony's stuff.

Honestly, folks, why are you dissing the plot of this movie? Yeah, the story is kind of lame, but is that really why you are watching? It is disgraceful for any action junkie to disregard or blast on this movie. Top class fights and stunts keep this in a league of its own, but the yummy violence doesn't stop there. There's some rough and tumble gunplay in full effect. The shootouts don't have the dramatic flair of say a John Woo film, so you won't see any slow-mo, two-gun, dive through the air, exchange fire for five minutes type of jazz. No, the gunplay is more Quentin Tarantino styled--abrupt, gritty, and in your face. No stand-offs. Usually when you see a piece in this flick, cats are in the process of getting shot the fuck up.

Also toward the end there is a balls out, slash 'em up sword battle that gets the blood flowing. That sword battle is raw and intense. If I had it my way, every flick would have to incorporate at least one swordfight or end with a swordplay duel. Hell, I would have actually watched "The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants" if I knew at the end they all kill each other with swords. That I would pay to see. Again, don't give me that damn look.

Some folks also say that the heroine doesn't get to take on a decent challange in the flick. You folks are forgetting about Mr. Adidas: four eyes, short bus, break dancing heavy twitcher. He was wild and very enjoyable to watch with his break dancing Capoiera-fu. How was he not a worthy challenge?

I tried my best not to give up the coveted five star grand prize, but this bad little ass kicker earned it. Is the story groundbreaking and Oscar worthy? Nope. Is it perfect? Not really. But excellence in the desired arena can trump all that garbage. When a movie excels in certain areas to such a phenomenal degree, and it achieves the intended type of entertainment that it was striving for with utmost quality, then all our pretensions and over-analyses become meaningless, because we know we were entertained and that chances are we are going back for second and third helpings. You don't do that with bad or mediocre flicks. You do that with great movies.

In my opinion, this is the best bad ass chick flick, trumping the reigning champs, "Yes, Madam" and "Book Of Heroes". I defy any reviewer here to find or name a better ass kicking chick movie. If you disagree with this review I'm going to expect you to name-drop a better bad-ass chick flick. If you can't think of one and are of the collection of reviewers that clocked on this movie, then I'm going to ask you to reevaluate your feelings on this film and watch it again. You may have missed something. Something great. You know the name and the game's still the same. Keep it real, folks. Peace.

"The Last Eve" is a retelling of some poorly told stories from a book that teaches intolerance, hate, and fundamental hypocrisy as a tool to formulate irrational and often malicious fables. That's right kids, bible tales for the arthouse crowd. Young Man Kang (the writter and director of this steaming pile) displays his devotion and fixation on God and penises in this epic, genre-blending collection of short films that may inspire you to consider suicide before having to see a flick like this again.

This film can cause extensive nerve damage. Or how about this: this film is made by people that are so extensively damaged that it gets on my nerves. I shall now present the individual and specific warnings for each segment of the film and judge them accordingly.

"Eve's Secret": 0 Stars. This short film is one of the worst things that I have ever seen in my life. Let me also spoil it for you: Eve's big secret is that she has a dick. Incidently, Young Man Kang makes it no secret that he loves the dick as it is the recurring star of this short film. The fights in this one are slow, shoddy and poorly arranged, but that's okay seeing as how everything else in this one disappoints. Atrocious acting and storytelling. This is honestly one the worst things on Earth.

"Cain & Abel": 4 Stars. The second story presented and the only one worth watching. Unlike the other two short films that are in English, this one is in Korean with English subtitles. This actually makes for a decent improvement on line delivery. The story was still as disjointed as the other shorts, but this one at least had several moments of promise. All of the good fights in the entire film occur in this short story. "Cain & Abel" has about 3 to 4 fights, but 2 of them are exceptional. One of the fights displays some very good Korean style swordfighting and the end fight has some mediocre Muay Thai but also some excellent Tae Kwon Do that is so top class it really doesn't even belong in a movie like this. This is the only worthwhile aspect of this DVD, so savor it.

"Snake's Temptation": 0 Stars. Pathetic. Soap opera trash that features the worst acting on the planet. Again poorly written and directed. The punchline of this sorry ass waste of cameras and effort is that there isn't even a fight in this the final installment of the movie that could disappoint a blind midget with a microscopic dick. Also I feel I should mention that if a director has no problems filming a dick on screen shown at random, then he should at least have the common decency to show off some nice bare breasts for those of the audience that realize the simple fact that a dick is a very ugly thing. A nude woman? Not so much. Just a thought.

This film may not represent everything that is wrong with the world, but it sure as shit is definitely part of the problem. Invest in a knife of some kind because if anyone ever convinces you to watch this flick, afterward you'll probably want to stab them. This is Bastard Ronin and that is the story I'm sticking to until my attorney advises me otherwise. Stay drunk and horny, kids. Peace out.

"Red Belt" is one of those films that unites its writing, direction and strong cast performances into something that is provacative as well as entertaining. It is also one of those films that you kind of have to watch more than just once to appreciate its depth. The movie centers around a protagonist that still lives, preaches and teaches the code of samurai honor that guides him. For the most part, the majority of the cast are antagonists and plot devices that seek to corrupt or profit off of the hero. Can a modern day samurai persevere in a corrupt society full of greed, deciet and financial adversity? You should probably watch to find out.

I should also address the fight choreography. Well, if you like Jujitsu like I like Jujitsu, then gazoondheidt. Seriously, the fights were great and got to employ some great Jujitsu throws, locks, chokes and counters. The end fight between the hero and John Machado is delicious and good for you. The cinematography, combined with a Japanese style drum-based score, fueled much of the emotion and power of many of the scenes.

If I were to grade this film purely as a samurai film I give it 5 stars. No take-backs. This film should be in the collection of every film connoisseur, martial artist and samurai fan.

11 AWESOME MOVIES THAT YOU MAY HAVE WATCHED NOT REALIZING THAT THEY WERE EXCELLENT SAMURAI FILMS:

11. Way Of The Gun"

10. Die Hard"
John McClane is the original American samurai.

9. Kill Bill Vol.1

8. Sin City
Every Frank Miller hero is essentially a samurai.

7. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
If you don't get how this is a samurai flick, then I'm not gonna' bother explaining it.

6. Batman (Tim Burton,1989)
The original American samurai in literature.

5. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Seriously, go watch it again. Then watch it again. Ignore the Jar Jars like you ignored C3PO, the Ewoks, and how whiney Luke was from the originals. This movie is all about the path of a samurai.

4. Ghost Dog: Way Of The Samurai
Just because "way of the samurai" is in the title doesn't mean everyone gets the fact that this is a pure samurai film.

3. Red Belt
Didn't I just review that? Weird.

2. Fight Club
Again, if I have to explain it, you might not get it anyway. But trust me, on many levels this is a samurai film too.

1. Throw Down
Powerful and engaging--this is at the top of the food chain when it comes to modern day samurai films.

Thank you for participating in this test. Your results will be back from the lab shortly...

Let me begin by saying that I am not the biggest fan of MMA. I am very particular about the fights that I watch. I like Elite XC (Kimbo Slice rocks the house), WCL and those Hawaiian Super Brawls. My favorites are Shidokan, K1, WCL, and of course good old boxing.

For the most part I got beef with MMA in general but especially UFC. While it did start on some pretty real and 'bout it type shit, it degenerated into a a bunch of plumbers, truck drivers, red-necks and attention-starved jocks. Most mixed martial artists are not really martial artists at all, they're just jocks. If you spend three to five hours in the gym lifting weights and half an hour working on techniques and your entire arsenal is under 25 techniques (or at least that is all of the techniques that you understand well enough to apply), then you are just not a martial artist in my eyes. You ain't no warrior, son, you're a sportsman. Most of the martial artists that I know (myself included) have to spend several hours practicing just to maintain the multitude of techniques they/we know. Most MMA fighters' "combat system" is a hybrid style of heavily abridged Brazilian Jujitsu combined with the sorriest excuse for Muay Thai in existence. These fools don't know how to roll their hips, oompah, box lock and I've actually seen people let their opponets get out of rear naked chokes. Pathetic. However, on the flipside, if you manage to catch a match with two disciplined and devoted fighters you can see some of the best and most creative fights around. That being said, I think you're starting to get my whole love/hate thing with MMA. I guess I should get to the actual review.

Normally, I don't like to give any spoilers or plot summaries because I think only tools do that, but in cases like these I like to paraphrase the plots for the sake of insight, humor and sport. A young Tom Cruise has anger management issues and is forced to change schools after delivering an atomic wedgie to a rival football player. Maybe it was a haymaker cross, my memory is failing with age. Anyways, then young Tom Cruise relocates to a new school from a WB teen drama that is run by young Tyler Durdin. Girls are thrown in as plot devices and eye candy but none appear as characters. At a party young Tyler Durdin decides to check young Tom's nuts and then serves him an ass-whooping, securing his place as the antagonist. Ashamed and suffering from possible shrinkage, young Mr. Cruise is befriended by the token fanboy who takes him to the only one who can help him: the only established thespian in the film. The accomplished actor shows Tom the dangerous and barbaric ways of scientology so he can take on people who are as crazy as himself.

It was something like that. Look I had to clown on what we all wanted to clown on, but in all honesty this film is done quite well. Yeah, it is obvious to everyone that this is just a new-school, 21st century remake of "The Karate Kid", but it is handled in a proficient manner and features a protagonist that was a little more self-reliant and fearless than say a piss-ant Daniel-san who got everything dropped into his lap and still repeatedly got played throughout the series. The story and writing were straightforward, and while being nothing exceptional they proved to be fairly high quality and able to keep the attention. The performances were all actually quite good, and the story is filled with excellent messages about trust, friendship, perseverance, honor, discipline, pride, growing up and self discovery. Cinematography-wise this movie is very fun to watch and included some interesting and effective choices of shots especially during the fight sequences.

What about the fight sequences you ask? Not bad. Yes the kickboxing was half-assed, but the depiction of Brazilian Jujitsu was damn good, and I especially liked the freeze-frame shots of some of those throws and takedowns. The fights are very realistic and perhaps lack the flamboyance and aeshetics of Asian choreographed films, but for the sake of the story told I think it stands on its own well enough. I should also mention that I found the antagonist character to be pretty fascinating. He was really like a young and more damaged and malicious Tyler Durdin. Though he brutalizes, taunts, bullies and menaces the hero character, there feels like there is this underlying sliver of himself that seems to subconsciencely want to actually help the hero to become stronger and more of a warrior. It's some deep shit. I'm not being facetious right here, I mean it, the story and performances made this movie worth watching. The flashiest move in the movie (that makes contact) is a nicely permormed tornado roundhouse kick by "Tyler" and it's really sweet and ill when it happens. Beyond that it's just round kicks, push kicks, and generic boxing, but there is somewhat of a variety and it is fused well so it does manage to entertain.

Overall I was very impressed and enjoyed the movie quite a bit though I will admit this movie is not for everyone. "Never Back Down" is for a very specific audience. It is basically for teenage boys (which I am not) and certain types of martial arts practicioners (which I am) and action/combat junkies as well as anyone who doesn't have too much pride to give a decent movie a fair chance. Even if it is filled with a bunch of rich, pretty, spoiled, young and damaged crackers. No scenario is perfect.

The movie is in English even though it seems many of the actors and actresses in this movie are not familiar with this language. I mean, damn, I couldn't understand half of what these motherfuckers were saying for most of the movie and my mom is Chinese with a very heavy accent and broken-ass English so that should tell you something right there. I have no problem understanding my mom's garbage speak, half-assed English but the lines in this movie were being delivered as if these fools were from Mars and this was their first encounter with English ever.

It helps, I guess, that I couldn't understand half of the lines delivered because the ones that I did get conveyed a movie with exceptionally bad writing. Despite the language barrier, it seems that the actors were just poor actors anyway, which doesn't really help the appeal of this movie.

What about the fu? Hmmm. Some of it is actually okay but choppy with editing of the same nature. It is abundantly obvious when the stunt doubles fight (which is most of the time) and this perhaps adds to the campy feel of this stinker. Overall the fights were just so-so and in some cases ridiculously lame.

There is a big twist in the end that is equal parts cliched and not bad but this comes off as sad attempt to justify this ludicrous crap-storm and validated it through a divisive means. And by the time the twist happens it is meaningless anyways because at no one point did you give a shit about any of the characters involved.

This movie is nothing more them a waste of time and money. Don't waste yours.

I was cheated. I was robbed. Just about any amount of money you paid to see this movie that exceeds four U.S. dollars is a vicious ripoff. Was the fight sequence with the ladder phenomenal? Absolutely. Was that pretty much the only thing worthwhile in this flick? Absolutely. This movie brings shame to the immensely entertaining "Police Story" series by skimping on the fu and fight scenes. Of course there is an underwater fight at the end--meaning slow and lacking the type of dynamic aesthetics we have come to expect from a Jackie film. "First Strike" basically is a meandering, through-the-motions, on auto-pilot Jackie film. Perhaps I was mildly entertained at random throughout, but for the most part I just can't justify giving a movie that I only appreciated for one fight scene more than one and a half stars. Sorry but this is only for strict Jackie completists. I love Jackie just like you folks. That's why this film doesn't do it for me. He's better than that.

Do me a favor: at the next wedding you attend slap a bridesmaid on the ass during the ceremony. If you are questioned on this just tell them you got the idea from a bastard. Enjoy your movies, kids.

This one doubles as not only my favorite Gordon Liu movie but also as my favorite Shaw Brothers movie. I know there are so many to choose from and you think that one is the best and dude over there is all like "what about the '36th Chamber'?" Well, chill, we're talking about my favorites now, not yours. We talk about your favorites in your review, sucka.

Lau Kar Leung crafts this movie and its fight scenes with inspired perfection. Gordon Liu dishes out the goods with the jack-of-all trades fu by demonstrating that old school multiple proficiency that pretty much died in the 90's when everyone could just have a single gimmick and still get by. This movie is not only arguably Gordon Liu's best martial arts performance but also Yasuaki Kurata's as well. You have to wait all the way to the end to see Yasuaki finally get down; but when he does, HOLY SHIT, he's a fuckin' smokin' now! (Maybe, just maybe, there is one "Family Guy" fan out there who got that reference. Probably not.)

Anyhow, this film has got one of the best complilations of variety in martial arts styles and weapons put to use. The Japanese performers and characters are all straight-up bad-asses, and really Japanese, unlike many other Chinese films that used Chinese actors and portrayed the Japanese as bitch-made predatory miscreants. I'm not judging, I'm just sayin'. Well, I guess to truly complete a review for this movie I got to give up my favorite fight. Damn, there are so many to choose from, but if I had to pick one favorite I would cheat and say the entire end fight with Gordon and Yasuaki, which is basically like 3-4 fights in one. I don't mean to beat a dying horse (unless it's called for or I'm bored or something), but Mr. Kurata is so frickin' slick it's unreal. The man handles a ninja-to like he was born holding one, and his crab style is one of the dopest, slickest and most creative things I have ever seen. This movie has everything for martial arts lovers including a tough chick.

I also got to say Buddha bless Dragon Dynasty for releasing these perfectly digitally remastered fu classics with the original subtitles and dubbings while including all kinds of sweet bonuses like interviews with the legends that made these movies possible. Make sure this is in your collection. Essential and severely enjoyable.

Despite all of this, it is done fairly well and there are moments you will appreciate; but altogether it is not really worth it for true Asian cinephiles--but it might be cool for your preteen nephew as a warm up before you show him those real old school classics that will blow him away.

Of course we all realize that a film needs to have a well developed plot and characters as well as a diligent director to be of any true value, but, let's face it, some well placed and relevant sex and violence can always add a little more fun. Sue me for keeping it real. If you are about your crime-caper movies you need to check this out. This is an excellent film and is keeping in the tradition of highly entertaining crime/noir/caper flicks coming from the Brits.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING: If you dig this flick check out "Lock Stock And 2 Smoking Barrels","Snatch" and of course the truly bad-ass "Layer Cake". Gangster, bitches.

So let me get this straight. We the viewers never get to see the actual reality of this mythology, we only get to view various layers of "The Matrix". The story in its entirety takes place in a computer program that runs through "Neo's" mind. This destroys all of the grandeur of the movie and its overall significance by the simple fact that none of anything we see really happens and we don't know if any of the characters we see actually exist or if they are part of the program. Basically the film's meaning and credibility are now shot, so let's look at the "story" that played out in some dude's head. In the future a war breaks out between the last city of humans (who live near the center of the earth) and the machines that took over earth. How is this epic war for humanity concluded? Do the humans take the fight to the machines' territory and sabotage some vital junk to turn the tide (a la "Star Wars")? No. Is some brilliant plan established to gain the upper hand and thereby prove the resourcefulness and imagination of the human mind? Again, no. Perhaps the last city of Zion unites and against extraordinary odds defeats the overwelming adversary presenting the triumph of the human will and spirit? Afraid not. Or could it be that Neo steps his bitch ass up to the front lines in all his super powered glory and lays the smackdown on the machine invaders? Not even fucking close. Basically this war and movie are "concluded" with a peace treaty with cold, calculating, unfeeling, immoral machines. Doesn't that make perfect sense? Unfortunately they left out the complete ending of the movie that takes place five minutes later when the machines decide to just lie and attack the city of Zion when their defenses are completely down, thereby killing every last human.

What a great trilogy. Not only did they get us from behind storywise, they also left out that nice concentration of fu throwdowns that the previous two incorporated. Sure there were fights. Like three. The previous one had nine or so. The big end fight of Neo vs. Agent Smith always leaves me kind of on the fence. I wanted a little more fu but I did really enjoy all of the special effects and mid-flight Superman-style battling. Always good to see stuff getting broken. The man vs. machines battle was really good too, and it is because of these two big action sequences, the special effects and Collin Chou as Seraph that I don't just brand this punk ass flick with 0 star rating. The end result is a compost heap of overhyped Hollywood bullshit. As a movie, but especially as the end of a trilogy, it is the most incomprehensive crap that I have ever seen or heard of. It could have been the defining science fiction trilogy of this younger generation. But no, the ending killed it all and morphed the overall essence of the project into the ugly truth: we just watched a bunch of Keanu Reeves' flicks. Damn.

"The Matrix: Reloaded" delivered the goods in full. More dimension was added to the story when we find out that none of the characters or the story actually take place outside of the Matrix. Though this fact does devalue the reality and gravity of the entire series, this was the second film of the trilogy so that makes room for a more conclusive denouement in the third and final film...

You know I have actually heard some people say that there was not enough action in it. Wow, do those fools have some short attention spans or what?!? The movie is about 2 hours and 18 minutes. Roughly 18 minutes accounts for the credits and trailer at the end of the film, meaning the movie itself is about 2 hours. Approximately 1 hour of the movie is kung fu fights, shoot-outs and car chases. So about half of the movie is all-out action, while the other half focused on the plot and the many characters involved. As an added bonus, this one included something the first film didn't have. Actual martial artists!!! Collin Chou as Seraph (my favorite Matrix character), Daniel Bernhardt as an agent and all of the Merovengien's monkey boys were the real deal. There was some excellent choreography from Yuen Wo Ping that totally trumped the previous film and showcased a good variety from unarmed to weapon-based combat (Keanu handled those sai pretty damn well). The CGI stuff didn't bother me one bit because Keanu is not like us. He has not dedicated his life to advancing his martial capabilities, agilty and strength, so even with intense short training he can't pull off the junk that we have been working on for years. That being the case it was actually cool to see some really amazing kung fu in the form of well done CGI animation, and I also think that it was done in a fluid enough manner that it didn't disrupt the flow of those sequences. Besides you folks had no problems when Spiderman did it, so you should be fine with that stuff going down in the Matrix. This movie was great entertainment and contained all of the hallmarks of an engrossing and thought-provoking sci-fi classic. The actors were on point and the curvature of the path of the story was nicely done.

There is only one problem here. One major problem. This movie was almost perfect, but I had to deduct a half star for the fact that this film suffers from middle kid syndrome due to its status as the second film in the trilogy. The kid that came after this one fucked it up for everybody and ruined what could have been one of the greatest sci-fi tales ever told.

IN SUMMATION: Yeah, this film has caught a lot of flak because many "critics" feel it solidifies their own credibility if they bash a trilogy film that does well in the box office. Just like when everyone bashed the new "Star Wars" films. But guess what: they weren't that damn bad either. People are just jaded and prejudiced. Please, folks, don't take a perspective because you are lead to believe that you should, because then you are in someone else's control. If fools can tell you what to believe, what does that make you? But screw the soapbox, this movie is great and only marred by the sorry ass pile of crap that followed it. Worth adding to the collection.

Now let us evaluate the film as a "Yojimbo" movie. "Zatoichi Meets Yojimbo" is the final chapter in the path of Yojimbo. In his first appearance in the original "Yojimbo" he scams, outmaneuvers and out duels a whole damn town, so when you end a legendary tale like that with this garbage you are going to offend somebody. He is flat out played out in this flick. It is always offensive when they make an established knight a pawn.

If everything felt off, where could this lead? THE FINAL SHOWDOWN: $#!*motherf*&%$#@@#$@@$$!!!! So short, so weak, so not worth the damn wait. It is also necessary to mention that these two individuals that have previously been depicted as masters of their own destiny are transformed into mere victims of circumstance. This was also the case in "Zatoichi Meets The One-Armed Swordsman", but that was at least a better movie than this crap. This movie does have a few redeeming traits, such as decent performances, some alright fights and basic production values; but none of that fixes talent being completely wasted and stiffing the fans of what should have obvoiusly been an all time classic. If you are a "Zatoichi" or a "Yojimbo" completist then you might feel the need to own this movie just to complete the collection, but as I've stated I am a fan of both series and I sold my copy of this awhile ago because it just pissed me off too much. View at your own risk, but I would just move on to the other "Yojimbo" and many other "Zatoichi" films that are really worth your time.

Before I bail I'd like to remind you that if you shake it more than twice you're playing with it. Scream and yell obscenities when necessary. Later.

A lot of folks seem to think that this is one of the greatest kung fu movies of all time. Those folks know what they are talking about. This ball of thunder laced lightning hits rougher and heavier than a Kimbo Slice uppercut. We all know the deal and we all know who's in it. The real eternal question is: which match-up is sicker? Jet vs. Yasuaki Kurata, or Jet vs. Billy Chow? There's a stumper for you. They both rock so hard that if you bring up this question among your friends who are into fu flicks it will usually spark a pretty wild debate. I personally lean slightly toward the Jet/Yasuaki showdown. Something about wind and blindfolds--it just gets me going, dude.

"Fist Of Legend" is possibly the closest thing to perfect fight choreography around (perfect is relative, but honestly it might be perfect) and incorporates many martial art styles, such as Longfist, Ditang Chuan, Tong Bei, Chin Na, Aikido, Karate, boxing, Judo, Jujitsu, and quite a few more that I am probably forgetting. I know some cats say that the general was using Muay Thai. They have either poor eyesight or just improper schooling. Billy's just busting out with hardcore Karate.

This movie is the dope shit and every last one of you know it. If you haven't seen it, you better head for the hills, son, because we will hunt you down and staple you to something so we can force you to see this awesome piece of kung fu cinema history. You'll probably thank us afterwords and maybe even offer us a beer. And we'll accept. 'Cause we like beer. Keep kicking for the stars, folks. I'll be around.

This was originally supposed to be a live action adaption of the video game "Tekken". What sense does it make to attempt to recreate the most realistic and technically accurate fighting video game (yeah, yeah, I know "Soul Calibur" is up there too) by abusing lines, CGI and trick photography?!? Why would you gather a cast with such promise to short-change us with minimal actual martial arts? These methods are all utilities of corporate bastardization. This is why the book is always better. Or the comic. In this case the video game. When will movie executives learn not to attempt to fix things that function at top levels without their interference? No one really adapts anything. They twist, distort, then recreate. This was also the case with the movie "I Am Legend", which is based on my favorite book of the same title. Nothing was the same except the title. It winds up feeling like these pretentious, arrogant assholes have enough cash powering them that they can somehow live with themselves after they go and piss on a true artist's masterwork. The movie industry can be quite shameless and "The Avenging Fist" is a good example of such. All flash, no substance. I was being nice with my rating, but to be fair the special effects (here and there, not all) are quite good and pretty unique, and some of the cinematography together with a few okay cast efforts pull it away from being absolutely worthless. Don't get it twisted, though, this movie is definitely ass. It was loosely based on "Tekken" and had Sammo Hung, Yuen Biao and Ekin Cheng--this shit should have been legendary but instead we got something that isn't even worth the first viewing. Don't bother, you'll kind of regret it. Oh, yeah, thinking of that movie reminds me, do me a favor: if you see someone with a mullet, punch them. Just for sucking. It's like doing a public service. If you have a mullet, cut that shit, you're embarrassing the rest of us who walk upright. I'll catch ya'.

I decided that I would come back large by reviewing the undisputed champ and all time greatest action movie. Yeah, that's right, I said it. All time, bitches. There are only really two types of people that can reasonably disagree with the previous statement: 1. those that have not seen it and 2. those that do not know what the word action means. I honestly have not met anyone that has seen this film and cannot admit that it is the best action flick around. Ever. This flick packs way more bang for your buck than anything that you have previously encountered in the States. Gratuitous, balletic, wild firefights are interwoven through a well designed story that is pumped full of not only ammunition but stellar performances from an excellent cast. Tony Leung is enigmatic. Chow Yun Fat is a brooding, unhinged wrecking ball. Anthony Wong is fucking Tony Montana. Phillip Kwok is that killa. This is the apex of cop/crime/noir/action entertainment. Saying that the action sequences are phenomenal would actually be making a vast understatement. The action is so plentiful and just unstoppable. Expect a variety of violence goodies involving not just wild gunplay but also quality stunts, explosions when needed and of course one straight up dope throwdown that brings as much hardcore noise as any trigger pull. "Hard Boiled" is the action gift that keeps on giving. Make sure you own this because you are a man and the absence of this in your library could bring that fact into question. This is Bastard Ronin delivering the goods the way you won't shut up about. Light some fires, kids. I'm 'bout to raise hell...

This was one of those movies that wound up being a pain in the ass for me to acquire so everyone got to see it before me. It was worth the wait though. Thanks to one of my cats on this site I found out that the American title of this flick is "The Challenge" and that information alone made it easier to obtain. The plot, setting and fight frequency of this film are kind of like a combination of "Fist of the North Star" and "Fist of Legend". Very comic book like, in fact the US version is released by Dark Horse. The martial arts choreography was very enjoyable. German fu, I had to see it to believe it. Very sweet. Hell, I think it's cool any time that one of the main characters' trademark moves is a 720. The post-apocalyptic setting was a nice touch for the atmosphere of the film and, combined with the excellent kung fu (with some decent stick and staff combat included), a central message that is based in honor and duty, and a couple very beautiful women to behold this movie is quite the treat for the senses. I would recommend it to the very few of you left who haven't seen it yet and the even fewer of you folks who still trust my judgment.

Well that about does it, campers. 81 reviews, over 150 comments and I got to talk all the shit that I wanted to. It's been real. Thank you to many of you that have read and followed my stuff. F*** you to those of you who didn't or just didn't get it. I hope that all of you find what you are searching for in life. To Jay Lee, JV, Choco and others that I failed to mention--thanks a lot. You guys were awesome. Keep your blades sharp, players. Well, I said my piece. I'm out. BASTARD RONIN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.

This is possibly the Grandmaster and reigning champ of all bad ass chick flicks. Michelle Yoeh is mesmerizing and exibits the traditional fearless nature of a stunt performer at their peak. Her stunts and fights throughout this movie are second to no man.

We also get to see Cynthia Rothrock at arguably her finest. Everthing about her was so much better in her Hong Kong movies. Her kicks were sharper, her movements were more fluid, and then she came back home to unleash an endless string of B movies that would never even come close to capturing her amazing ability like her efforts that were "made in China". (Lead free.)

Then we got the man himself, Tsui Hark, who delivers a good performance as one of the main hoods who are clearly in over their heads.

This movie brings it all together and entertains on more than one level. The humor is pretty good and the action and fight/stunt choreography are all completely Hong Kong A-game stuff. This movie makes "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" look like playground antics. If you are about the tough chick flicks, this movie is a must-own.

Now I must be off to help old ladies in their eternal struggle to cross the street. They are usually so thankful that they don't notice that their purses are missing...

Well, I think I may have stumbled onto something that is one of the more enjoyable recent offerings that is not made in Asia or by the Stunt People, though it does star stunt people. See what I did there? Now I'm just fuckin' with ya'. "Underground" wound up being quite a treat. It is basically a bunch of fight scenes that are strung together and divided by a passable yet standard tournament theme and some pretty decent narration. I was surprised that some of the dramatic scenes were done as well as they were considering that most of the cast mainly had experience doing stunts and not really any big starring roles. The fights were sharp and engaging though at some times inconsistant. Man, that is the biggest dude that I have ever seen perform a butterfly twist!

You will get everthing the box promises: no camera tricks, no wires, just REAL BRUTAL ACTION. And it feels great. They actually manage to hit you with a few curve balls and of course the stuff that you were expecting. I think the end fight could have had a few more goodies, but all in all it was a very fun and violent piece of entertainment and I would recommend it to anyone who's into that sort of thing. Very nutritious. Goes well with strawberries or beer.

"Cloverfield" is packed with high energy thrills and unyielding momentum. The story told is very simplistic, but that may add to the classic qualities of this feature. This is the best monster movie that I have seen in years. It even trumps "The Host", which is no small feat. You got a little something for everybody: action, excitement, drama, and humor. I know the whole shaky-cam thing did bother a lot of folks, but honestly I thought it was a very good device for the whole movie as it added to the frantic nature of the film while grounding it in a gritty and realistic manor that almost seems to give the monster that much more credibility.

FINAL SUMMATION: This flick is more fun than you can have with a German shepherd, a hooker, and a whole jar of peanut butter. Go check this one out. Highly entertaining, you won't be let down. Now, I got to bolt. I have to fly a 747 to England in 20 minutes and this whiskey isn't going to drink itself.

"China Strike Force" is an oddball throwback to the glory days of Hong Kong cop actioners with a new school twist and a touch of Americanized compost. In fact the movie is in English even though that is not the native dialect of over half the cast. And it shows. The acting was, let's say, slightly less than serviceable. Oddly enough, Coolio wound up delivering his lines pretty well and was funny more intentionally than not, unlike some of his co-stars. And of course there's Mark.

Mark Dacascos is always a pleasure to watch--his acting is halfway decent and his martial arts skills are A-list quality. It's kind of a bitch that he never really blew up the way he should have. But isn't that always the way? JCVD gets famous and he bites. Pop stars and Hollywood megastars get highly funded kung fu vehicles and they are all undeserving. But what of Mark Dacascos, Ernie Reyes Jr., Scott Adkins, and Brad Allen (and many others)? Where are their big contracts for major action movies? Someone or something out there controlling the cosmic balance has the most twisted sense of humor. I mean, think about it. John Lennon: shot and killed; Martin Luther King, Jr.: shot and killed; Ronald Reagan: shot and wounded, survived. What kind of shit is that?!? People, we must protect the balance if God won't. Live your lives with some degree of honor and stay vigilant. Hopefully we can protect what is sacred.

Whoa, sorry about that folks, I'm starting to wear this soapbox out. Before I shot out into left field I think we were dicussing a movie of some kind. Right? So, "China Strike Force" is inconsistant in the acting department and plain and standard on the whole plot thing, but how is the action? Pretty good, actually. Stanley Tong always seems to craft some kinetic fights with high energy, and this movie is no exception as we are given some very functional choreography. The previously mentioned Mark Dacascos gets to shine in this arena. While he only really gets two fights and is basically gypped out of the end fight, he still gets to show off his goods with style, grace, and power. The stunts are well done, but despite the enjoyable action there are still lags here and there due in part to poor direction and choppy acting. The end fight was kind of disappointing as well. Though it had a definite element of danger, it did not have the pace or quality of the rest of the fights.

Overall I did enjoy it and I would say it is worth checking out, but it won't necessarily become one of your favorites. Thanks for the time. Stay up on the down. I got stuff to do but we'll catch up.

If you don't have it, I would give it my highest recommendation; and if you do have it, you should probably watch it at least once every year to keep good company with a well crafted story. Thanks for the time, campers, I got to peel.

Only two things stop me from giving this a perfect rating. #1: As you may know already, it just twists my panties up when Hollywood makes these martial arts flicks and seem to forget to cast martial artists for the lead roles. This can often depreciate the spectrum of suspension of disbelief, but thankfully we have Yuen Wo Ping and Zoe Bell to smooth out those rough edges. #2 This movie is volume 1, meaning that it is one half of a movie and other issues and factors of volume two affect this movie as a result. I have several problems with volume 2 but we will get into that another time. Here is a little taste: Why the fuck does she bother going through all the trouble to get this dope ass, high quality sword for a five second sword fight that ends with a hokey "secret kung fu technique"?!? Her final battle with Bill was insulting. She didn't even need a sword to take on Krusty the Bill and she could have just shot up the "House of Blue Leaves" or whatever so why get the sword? But, alas, I digress. I definitely think that volume one is much better than volume two but I'm a samurai man myself (like you couldn't tell) so I can see how those cowboys out there might disaree with me.

As a film on its own that stands on an unanswered cliff hanger I give it 4.5 stars, but if I were to grade it as a whole including volume 2 I would give it 3.5 stars for the simple fact that the second act (much like "Battle Royale 2") disregards all of the sensibilities of the first act. I know that was the point but it was still annoying.

FINAL SUMMATION: Very enjoyable and energetic genre meld (it's a crime noir/kung fu/samurai/revenge/dramedy). The bloody end battles will keep you giddy for hours after viewing. Entertaining and worth every cent. Quentin cranks out quality. Repeatedly. Get it if you don't got it; you will have fun. Thanks for the time. I'll be at you.

TWENTY MOVIES THAT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF "CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON" IN EITHER MARTIAL ARTS OR OVERALL GRANDEUR: (in no particular order)

1. "Seven Samurai"
2. "Once Upon A Time In China"
3. "Fist Of Legend"
4. "A Man Called Hero"
5. "Seven Swords"
6. "In The Line Of Duty 4"
7. "Tom Yum Goong"
8. "Ong Bak"
9. "Iron Monkey" (the Tsui Hark one)
10. "Prodigal Son"
11. "Enter The Dragon"
12. "Blade Of Fury"
13. "Hero" (Jet Li)
14. "Dragons Forever"
15. "SPL"
16. "Dragon Tiger Gate"
17. "Lone Wolf And Cub" (all of them)
18. "Versus"
19. "Duel To The Death"
20. "Star Wars" (again, all of them)

There are many moments of creative brilliance and comedic excellence, yet it still maintained a good amount of homage content. Completely needed for a complete Asian film collection if only to see soccer balls get jump-spin-kicked. All around fun. And it's that good kind of humor that just makes you feel good inside like when you watched Paris Hilton go to jail.

About a couple of weeks back I sat down to watch two movies: "The Shepherd: Border Patrol"--the most recent (to my knowledge) Jean Claude Van Damme straight-to-DVD offering (he was a big martial arts/action star from the 80's and early to mid 90's); and "In The Name Of The King"--a sword and sorcery flick that was based on a role playing game and stars Jason Statham (a British actor, not a martial artist). Guess which one was a better martial arts movie. Very good, you folks have a good sense of build-up. It shouldn't have surprised me, though (in all honesty, I didn't realize that Tony Ching directed the choreography of "In The Name Of The King" before I watched it, so, yeah, that was an unfair advantage). I mean, I used to be a big Van Damme fan--when I was twelve. I got older, my martial arts repertoire got broader and better. His didn't. I found myself capable of doing all kinds of nifty shit that I don't think Brussels boy has even dreamed of. After that, Jean Claude's generic and static "style" just lost all of its draw. I just couldn't become one of those folks waiting for the next straight to video JCVD flick all complacent and shit with the same eight goddamn kicks he has been recycling year after year. In a lot of ways I have Jean Claude Van Damme to thank for turning me to Asian cinema for better stuff. It made me the bastard I am today. Thanks, dude.

Do you know how that fool got his big break? He approached a producer of b movies and kicked over the man's head and told the gullible bastard that he was a European kickboxing champ! Years later the investigative television show, Hard Copy, did a show on his authenticity. Turns out he has never been a kickboxer or a kickboxing champion sanctioned by anybody. Ever. Like it took half-assed journalism to tell a world full of martial artists that no man who throws a punch like a little, blind girl could ever hold a kickboxing title. Sorry folks he's just a ballerina that took some karate lessons back in the day. And he may or may not have done some gay porn at one point. Oh, and he definitely got his ass kicked by a biker/stuntman in public once. While we're on it, the man can hold a kick in the air but he has no control whatsoever. Numerous co-stars from his movies have stated on many occasions that during filming Jean Claude would actually hit them during takes. Often. He has also blinded a stuntman in one eye while filming a knife fight in the movie "Cyborg" due to (at least in part) the fact that he has had no formal training in any type of knife fighting. I'm not making this shit up. The man is a fool. Call him what you want, but that asshole ain't no martial artist.

But I've ranted quite a bit, so let's talk about this flick. It's what you should probably expect. Generic. Isaac Florentine tries to do the whole spagetti western thing with the music, cinematography and pacing. He doesn't nail--at all. The fights were not that bad, but I found myself constantly waiting for Scott Adkins to come and whoop somebody's ass, but it wasn't happening often enough. Honestly the fights did get kind of fun, but there are just not enough of them to save this turkey.

I was pretty generous with my rating and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I saw something in it that entertained me in a funny way. Maybe I live too close to power lines. Who knows, but I say grow up in style. Put "Time Cop" in the closet so it doesn't get some of its lame funk on "Super Cop" by sitting next to it in the cabinet. Don't get me wrong though, Jean Claude Van Damme has made some pretty entertaining flicks, but he should have quit a long time ago.

TEN VAN DAMME MOVIES THAT ACTUALLY ROCK:

1. "Bloodsport"
2. "No Retreat,No Surrender"
3. "Universal Soldier"
4. "Hard Target"
5. "Lion Heart"
6. "Cyborg"
7. "Kickboxer"
8. "Double Team"
9. "Double Impact"
10. "Death Warrant

This is my favorite Andrew Lau movie hands down. Maybe it's because I love comic books or something, but this film really appeals to me. It's very dark and moody with beautiful fantasy action. Loaded with interesting characters, wild special effects and a decent amount of martial arts. This is one of those grand fantasy movies where the line flying and special effects didn't bother me or detract from the movie, in fact they were necessary and enhanced the experience entirely. While I do dig "Storm Riders" and "The Duel", this will always be the one that stands out the most to me. Truly epic. This should have been a trilogy. Just about as cool as "Star Wars". I'm just sayin'.

STUFF THAT KICKS ASS: Ninjas with elemental super powers. Classic. Man with no arms who kicks like a hell raiser. Classic as well. Showdown on the statue of liberty that leaves the old girl looking like she got mugged by the jolly green giant. Wild, just wild.

MY CLOSING STATEMENTS BEFORE I GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT: This movie rocks and will appeal to fans of comics, fantasy and various old school classics.