This one doubles as not only my favorite Gordon Liu movie but also as my favorite Shaw Brothers movie. I know there are so many to choose from and you think that one is the best and dude over there is all like "what about the '36th Chamber'?" Well, chill, we're talking about my favorites now, not yours. We talk about your favorites in your review, sucka.

Lau Kar Leung crafts this movie and its fight scenes with inspired perfection. Gordon Liu dishes out the goods with the jack-of-all trades fu by demonstrating that old school multiple proficiency that pretty much died in the 90's when everyone could just have a single gimmick and still get by. This movie is not only arguably Gordon Liu's best martial arts performance but also Yasuaki Kurata's as well. You have to wait all the way to the end to see Yasuaki finally get down; but when he does, HOLY SHIT, he's a fuckin' smokin' now! (Maybe, just maybe, there is one "Family Guy" fan out there who got that reference. Probably not.)

Anyhow, this film has got one of the best complilations of variety in martial arts styles and weapons put to use. The Japanese performers and characters are all straight-up bad-asses, and really Japanese, unlike many other Chinese films that used Chinese actors and portrayed the Japanese as bitch-made predatory miscreants. I'm not judging, I'm just sayin'. Well, I guess to truly complete a review for this movie I got to give up my favorite fight. Damn, there are so many to choose from, but if I had to pick one favorite I would cheat and say the entire end fight with Gordon and Yasuaki, which is basically like 3-4 fights in one. I don't mean to beat a dying horse (unless it's called for or I'm bored or something), but Mr. Kurata is so frickin' slick it's unreal. The man handles a ninja-to like he was born holding one, and his crab style is one of the dopest, slickest and most creative things I have ever seen. This movie has everything for martial arts lovers including a tough chick.

I also got to say Buddha bless Dragon Dynasty for releasing these perfectly digitally remastered fu classics with the original subtitles and dubbings while including all kinds of sweet bonuses like interviews with the legends that made these movies possible. Make sure this is in your collection. Essential and severely enjoyable.

If you don't have it, I would give it my highest recommendation; and if you do have it, you should probably watch it at least once every year to keep good company with a well crafted story. Thanks for the time, campers, I got to peel.

"Cloverfield" is packed with high energy thrills and unyielding momentum. The story told is very simplistic, but that may add to the classic qualities of this feature. This is the best monster movie that I have seen in years. It even trumps "The Host", which is no small feat. You got a little something for everybody: action, excitement, drama, and humor. I know the whole shaky-cam thing did bother a lot of folks, but honestly I thought it was a very good device for the whole movie as it added to the frantic nature of the film while grounding it in a gritty and realistic manor that almost seems to give the monster that much more credibility.

FINAL SUMMATION: This flick is more fun than you can have with a German shepherd, a hooker, and a whole jar of peanut butter. Go check this one out. Highly entertaining, you won't be let down. Now, I got to bolt. I have to fly a 747 to England in 20 minutes and this whiskey isn't going to drink itself.

"China Strike Force" is an oddball throwback to the glory days of Hong Kong cop actioners with a new school twist and a touch of Americanized compost. In fact the movie is in English even though that is not the native dialect of over half the cast. And it shows. The acting was, let's say, slightly less than serviceable. Oddly enough, Coolio wound up delivering his lines pretty well and was funny more intentionally than not, unlike some of his co-stars. And of course there's Mark.

Mark Dacascos is always a pleasure to watch--his acting is halfway decent and his martial arts skills are A-list quality. It's kind of a bitch that he never really blew up the way he should have. But isn't that always the way? JCVD gets famous and he bites. Pop stars and Hollywood megastars get highly funded kung fu vehicles and they are all undeserving. But what of Mark Dacascos, Ernie Reyes Jr., Scott Adkins, and Brad Allen (and many others)? Where are their big contracts for major action movies? Someone or something out there controlling the cosmic balance has the most twisted sense of humor. I mean, think about it. John Lennon: shot and killed; Martin Luther King, Jr.: shot and killed; Ronald Reagan: shot and wounded, survived. What kind of shit is that?!? People, we must protect the balance if God won't. Live your lives with some degree of honor and stay vigilant. Hopefully we can protect what is sacred.

Whoa, sorry about that folks, I'm starting to wear this soapbox out. Before I shot out into left field I think we were dicussing a movie of some kind. Right? So, "China Strike Force" is inconsistant in the acting department and plain and standard on the whole plot thing, but how is the action? Pretty good, actually. Stanley Tong always seems to craft some kinetic fights with high energy, and this movie is no exception as we are given some very functional choreography. The previously mentioned Mark Dacascos gets to shine in this arena. While he only really gets two fights and is basically gypped out of the end fight, he still gets to show off his goods with style, grace, and power. The stunts are well done, but despite the enjoyable action there are still lags here and there due in part to poor direction and choppy acting. The end fight was kind of disappointing as well. Though it had a definite element of danger, it did not have the pace or quality of the rest of the fights.

Overall I did enjoy it and I would say it is worth checking out, but it won't necessarily become one of your favorites. Thanks for the time. Stay up on the down. I got stuff to do but we'll catch up.

I was cheated. I was robbed. Just about any amount of money you paid to see this movie that exceeds four U.S. dollars is a vicious ripoff. Was the fight sequence with the ladder phenomenal? Absolutely. Was that pretty much the only thing worthwhile in this flick? Absolutely. This movie brings shame to the immensely entertaining "Police Story" series by skimping on the fu and fight scenes. Of course there is an underwater fight at the end--meaning slow and lacking the type of dynamic aesthetics we have come to expect from a Jackie film. "First Strike" basically is a meandering, through-the-motions, on auto-pilot Jackie film. Perhaps I was mildly entertained at random throughout, but for the most part I just can't justify giving a movie that I only appreciated for one fight scene more than one and a half stars. Sorry but this is only for strict Jackie completists. I love Jackie just like you folks. That's why this film doesn't do it for me. He's better than that.

Do me a favor: at the next wedding you attend slap a bridesmaid on the ass during the ceremony. If you are questioned on this just tell them you got the idea from a bastard. Enjoy your movies, kids.

Despite all of this, it is done fairly well and there are moments you will appreciate; but altogether it is not really worth it for true Asian cinephiles--but it might be cool for your preteen nephew as a warm up before you show him those real old school classics that will blow him away.

This film is exactly what I have been waiting for. It's about time that a realistic, honest and unapologetic film about superheroes has come to light. Nothing comes close to the thematic elements incorporated in this movie. The characters are unique and iconic. The fight choreography is well done and it's funny to think about how mainstream martial arts have become in big budget Hollywood flicks. The sad part is most Americans don't realize how mainstream martial arts have become within our own society. "The Matrix" trilogy, "Lethal Weapon 4" (yes, I still carry the torch for that flick and you can eat my ass if you ain't feelin' me), "The Transporter", and now "Watchmen" are all basically martial arts movies. Don't agree? Then ask yourself this: what is the core type of action that fuels each one these films? Hmmm. Interesting.

I'm going to be a good monkey and not kick you cats any spoilers, but I will tell you what I can. The story is brilliant and fairly plausible. The fights are very enjoyable, especially considering how schlocky and mundane American style fight choreography can be. Some noticeable changes from the graphic novel are present, but I don't want to get too specific because like I said I'm trying to keep this spoiler-free. Next to "Sin City" this is the best comic book movie adaption in existance. "Watchmen" covers many social, moral, philosophical and realistic concepts that are rarely acknowleged in films of this genre.

Don't know who the fascinatingly tenacious and uncompromising character of Rorschach is? Ever seen a realistic portrayal of superheroes? Do you know what Malin Akerman looks like naked? If you answered "no" to any of these questions, you might want to give this a chance. You should also definitely be sure to watch the director's cut. It's three hours of the best movie viewing that I have ever experienced.

Oh crap, I got to be somewhere. Sorry to cut out but I'll be at you. Peace.

A lot of folks seem to think that this is one of the greatest kung fu movies of all time. Those folks know what they are talking about. This ball of thunder laced lightning hits rougher and heavier than a Kimbo Slice uppercut. We all know the deal and we all know who's in it. The real eternal question is: which match-up is sicker? Jet vs. Yasuaki Kurata, or Jet vs. Billy Chow? There's a stumper for you. They both rock so hard that if you bring up this question among your friends who are into fu flicks it will usually spark a pretty wild debate. I personally lean slightly toward the Jet/Yasuaki showdown. Something about wind and blindfolds--it just gets me going, dude.

"Fist Of Legend" is possibly the closest thing to perfect fight choreography around (perfect is relative, but honestly it might be perfect) and incorporates many martial art styles, such as Longfist, Ditang Chuan, Tong Bei, Chin Na, Aikido, Karate, boxing, Judo, Jujitsu, and quite a few more that I am probably forgetting. I know some cats say that the general was using Muay Thai. They have either poor eyesight or just improper schooling. Billy's just busting out with hardcore Karate.

This movie is the dope shit and every last one of you know it. If you haven't seen it, you better head for the hills, son, because we will hunt you down and staple you to something so we can force you to see this awesome piece of kung fu cinema history. You'll probably thank us afterwords and maybe even offer us a beer. And we'll accept. 'Cause we like beer. Keep kicking for the stars, folks. I'll be around.

This is my favorite Andrew Lau movie hands down. Maybe it's because I love comic books or something, but this film really appeals to me. It's very dark and moody with beautiful fantasy action. Loaded with interesting characters, wild special effects and a decent amount of martial arts. This is one of those grand fantasy movies where the line flying and special effects didn't bother me or detract from the movie, in fact they were necessary and enhanced the experience entirely. While I do dig "Storm Riders" and "The Duel", this will always be the one that stands out the most to me. Truly epic. This should have been a trilogy. Just about as cool as "Star Wars". I'm just sayin'.

STUFF THAT KICKS ASS: Ninjas with elemental super powers. Classic. Man with no arms who kicks like a hell raiser. Classic as well. Showdown on the statue of liberty that leaves the old girl looking like she got mugged by the jolly green giant. Wild, just wild.

MY CLOSING STATEMENTS BEFORE I GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT: This movie rocks and will appeal to fans of comics, fantasy and various old school classics.

"City of Violence" is at its core a really tight revenge flick that plays out kind of like "Four Brothers" meets "Kill Bill" with, of course, a fairly standard twist. The martial arts aspect of the film is first class with Tae Kwon Do being showcased as an all purpose weapon that is clearly more vicious and functional amoung the people who originated it. The fights had true grit and a rawness that was mixed well with plenty of flash that gave them a distinct flavor. As for the end fight finale--it will knock your wobblies around. Wall to wall style and substance with a good story told in a good way using good talent.

If at this point you are still not interested in giving this movie a chance then fine but please move to the back of the bus and don't say shit when we pass your stop. Thanks for reading and remember nothing says "happy Easter" more than strippers and crack. I gotta go, the warden's coming.

There are many moments of creative brilliance and comedic excellence, yet it still maintained a good amount of homage content. Completely needed for a complete Asian film collection if only to see soccer balls get jump-spin-kicked. All around fun. And it's that good kind of humor that just makes you feel good inside like when you watched Paris Hilton go to jail.

Only two things stop me from giving this a perfect rating. #1: As you may know already, it just twists my panties up when Hollywood makes these martial arts flicks and seem to forget to cast martial artists for the lead roles. This can often depreciate the spectrum of suspension of disbelief, but thankfully we have Yuen Wo Ping and Zoe Bell to smooth out those rough edges. #2 This movie is volume 1, meaning that it is one half of a movie and other issues and factors of volume two affect this movie as a result. I have several problems with volume 2 but we will get into that another time. Here is a little taste: Why the fuck does she bother going through all the trouble to get this dope ass, high quality sword for a five second sword fight that ends with a hokey "secret kung fu technique"?!? Her final battle with Bill was insulting. She didn't even need a sword to take on Krusty the Bill and she could have just shot up the "House of Blue Leaves" or whatever so why get the sword? But, alas, I digress. I definitely think that volume one is much better than volume two but I'm a samurai man myself (like you couldn't tell) so I can see how those cowboys out there might disaree with me.

As a film on its own that stands on an unanswered cliff hanger I give it 4.5 stars, but if I were to grade it as a whole including volume 2 I would give it 3.5 stars for the simple fact that the second act (much like "Battle Royale 2") disregards all of the sensibilities of the first act. I know that was the point but it was still annoying.

FINAL SUMMATION: Very enjoyable and energetic genre meld (it's a crime noir/kung fu/samurai/revenge/dramedy). The bloody end battles will keep you giddy for hours after viewing. Entertaining and worth every cent. Quentin cranks out quality. Repeatedly. Get it if you don't got it; you will have fun. Thanks for the time. I'll be at you.

Today on the menu we will be revisiting the third "Once Upon A Time In China", or as many of us think of it, the last OUATIC movie with street cred. After this one Vincent Zhao (aka Chui Man Chuk) took center stage as the great master Wong. He did an excellent job but the series seemed to lose its spark. This film was the last one with that spark. While it was dramatically less amazing than the two that preceded it, this one still manages to entertain and thrill while maintaining its overall feel and mythology.

This movie also features the introduction of one of my favorite OUATIC characters, Clubfoot, who is played by the highly skilled and severely underappreciated Xiong Xin Xin. That man is a beast and he brings sick amounts of intensity and vigor to the role of Clubfoot. I would have to say that an argument could be made that from the third movie on, Xiong Xin Xin was carrying the whole project on his back.

As my homegirl, Cinema!, stated in her review, the lion dances are beautiful, vicious and fun to watch, but the downside (like some other reviewers have stated) is that we wind up missing out on an intense one-on-one square-off like the first and second film. In the end of the first we get Jet Li vs. Wang Yu: legendary. In the second we get Jet Li vs. Donnie Yen: way sick. In the third we get: stiffed. That's not right, folks. If you got a good recipe that everyone can enjoy, you probably shouldn't tamper with the spices.

But despite a drop in various qualities and too much cousin courting, this film is still completely crucial in my eyes. Let's face it, all of the "Once Upon A Time In China" movies rock and this one is no different. Complete the collection and take in the struggle for China's independence and the adventures of legendary warriors. Or you can wait for the next big budget, trendy Hollywood fanboy fu drivel. Oooo, my friends and coworkers seem pretty excited about this movie called "Fighting". I saw a trailer and apparently these people I know are tools. It looks lame.

Stick with the quality classics that come directly from Asia and buy them here. Nobody paid me to write that, so I'm probably not blowin' smoke. Take care of what you can and make plans for all the other stuff. Be safe, folks. Peace.

"Tower of Death" is quite the oddity. It is actually the best Bruce Lee movie available that doesn't even have Bruce Lee in it. The choreography is top notch. Yuen Wo Ping does an extraordinary job in capturing Bruce Lee's fighting style and his brand of choreography. The fights are just rockin', and this is actually probably one of the best random-as-hell kung fu movies that a lot of people are not hip too.

Hwang Jang Lee, as always, is a Godsend. The "King of the Leg Fighters" deserves a lifetime achievement award for depicting so many of the most bad ass screen villans of all time.

This flick is pretty essential and I would have given it perhaps a perfect rating for the martial arts alone if not for one detail. I had to take off one and a half stars for the plain and simple fact that the movie is fucking tasteless. Exploitation is always some ugly shit, but this movie goes so completely overboard and attempts to cash in on a dead icon and hero to millions by incorporating scenes from his other movies as well as archival footage. Grimy, just grimy.

Despite the fact that whoever put this movie together just loves the cock, it's actually pretty worth the purchase. Ignore the overwelming cheese and the naked broad that has make up that looks like it has to be removed with a sandblaster, just get it to see some dude fight like he was Bruce. Way better than all that Bruce Li and Dragon Lee garbage. Trust me, folks, I wouldn't lie to you. Unless I was trying to acquire money or sex. Speaking of which, I have a Pokemon that I am holding captive in my basement. Does anyone want to buy it? I ran out of stuff to do to it and I think it's hungry...

TWENTY MOVIES THAT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF "CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON" IN EITHER MARTIAL ARTS OR OVERALL GRANDEUR: (in no particular order)

1. "Seven Samurai"
2. "Once Upon A Time In China"
3. "Fist Of Legend"
4. "A Man Called Hero"
5. "Seven Swords"
6. "In The Line Of Duty 4"
7. "Tom Yum Goong"
8. "Ong Bak"
9. "Iron Monkey" (the Tsui Hark one)
10. "Prodigal Son"
11. "Enter The Dragon"
12. "Blade Of Fury"
13. "Hero" (Jet Li)
14. "Dragons Forever"
15. "SPL"
16. "Dragon Tiger Gate"
17. "Lone Wolf And Cub" (all of them)
18. "Versus"
19. "Duel To The Death"
20. "Star Wars" (again, all of them)

This movie seemed liked a good landmark film to commemorate my degenerate rantings. *may contain spoilers. I will trip a little* Get on the bus and take a trip into a little piece of the Twilight Zone that Mr. Serling didn't get a chance to show us.

"Old Boy" will take you completely sideways and leave you in a dark alley with nothing but a razor blade and bag of doughnuts to survive on. Easily one of the greatest revenge movies of all time and possibly the illest. This movie takes you to weird and wrong places but constantly reasures you that the journey is worth every step. It is, too. Acting performances and direction are all in excellent form and the story is something that will stick with you no matter how many showers you take. Spoilers ahead. Beware. It's so raw and ill, damn I love it. Dude asks for something alive to eat! He trains himself to become not only a warrior but the primary tool of his own revenge. That shit is hot! This movie is so bold that it tackles heavy and taboo subjects like revenge, imprisonment, incest, torture and gritty realistic violence fist first. It ain't shy.

Wizard Magazine rated the claw hammer fight in the corridor as one of the best fight scenes of all time. While it is true the writers of that magazine don't really know shit about greatest fight scenes (that's more our department, isn't it?) they were actually right to include this fight scene. This fight scene is chapter 7 in the Tartan Asian Extreme version of the film and the chapter is titled "one versus many". The protagonist takes on somewhere between 7 and 11 shady fools in a narrow corridor utilizing nothing but a claw hammer and some pretty awesome boxing. This fight is essential viewing to any fan of high quality screen fights.

Brutal and worthy of repeated viewings, every film lover should have copy of this in their collection. Disturbing, provacative and highly entertaining. Highly recommended for children and grandparents.

Therapy for emotional scarring: $9,000. Medication and sleep aids for twisted dreams: $600. The look on their faces when their minds finally snap: priceless. Bastard Ronin goes everywhere you're not sure you want to be.

Thanks for reading, folks. Now go do something that pisses on conventional thought. I do it all the time...

"The Matrix: Reloaded" delivered the goods in full. More dimension was added to the story when we find out that none of the characters or the story actually take place outside of the Matrix. Though this fact does devalue the reality and gravity of the entire series, this was the second film of the trilogy so that makes room for a more conclusive denouement in the third and final film...

You know I have actually heard some people say that there was not enough action in it. Wow, do those fools have some short attention spans or what?!? The movie is about 2 hours and 18 minutes. Roughly 18 minutes accounts for the credits and trailer at the end of the film, meaning the movie itself is about 2 hours. Approximately 1 hour of the movie is kung fu fights, shoot-outs and car chases. So about half of the movie is all-out action, while the other half focused on the plot and the many characters involved. As an added bonus, this one included something the first film didn't have. Actual martial artists!!! Collin Chou as Seraph (my favorite Matrix character), Daniel Bernhardt as an agent and all of the Merovengien's monkey boys were the real deal. There was some excellent choreography from Yuen Wo Ping that totally trumped the previous film and showcased a good variety from unarmed to weapon-based combat (Keanu handled those sai pretty damn well). The CGI stuff didn't bother me one bit because Keanu is not like us. He has not dedicated his life to advancing his martial capabilities, agilty and strength, so even with intense short training he can't pull off the junk that we have been working on for years. That being the case it was actually cool to see some really amazing kung fu in the form of well done CGI animation, and I also think that it was done in a fluid enough manner that it didn't disrupt the flow of those sequences. Besides you folks had no problems when Spiderman did it, so you should be fine with that stuff going down in the Matrix. This movie was great entertainment and contained all of the hallmarks of an engrossing and thought-provoking sci-fi classic. The actors were on point and the curvature of the path of the story was nicely done.

There is only one problem here. One major problem. This movie was almost perfect, but I had to deduct a half star for the fact that this film suffers from middle kid syndrome due to its status as the second film in the trilogy. The kid that came after this one fucked it up for everybody and ruined what could have been one of the greatest sci-fi tales ever told.

IN SUMMATION: Yeah, this film has caught a lot of flak because many "critics" feel it solidifies their own credibility if they bash a trilogy film that does well in the box office. Just like when everyone bashed the new "Star Wars" films. But guess what: they weren't that damn bad either. People are just jaded and prejudiced. Please, folks, don't take a perspective because you are lead to believe that you should, because then you are in someone else's control. If fools can tell you what to believe, what does that make you? But screw the soapbox, this movie is great and only marred by the sorry ass pile of crap that followed it. Worth adding to the collection.

To begin with, I dug it. A lot of folks are mad that Jet Li didn't really showcase enough of his martial arts ability and that he somehow gave a bad overall performance. Well that's kind of bullshit. First off, if you folks are the big Jet Li fanatics you pretend to be, then you already read his numerous interviews where he flat out stated that "Fearless" was going to be his last epic martial arts movie. There it is. He told you himself there would be no more wall-to-wall kung fu movies coming from him, and here you people are waiting for him to be proven a liar.

So "War" is an action movie that feels like an anime and not a kung fu flick. So what? Nobody seems to mention that the dialog, basic story, and plot twists are well written. Nobody seems to mention that there are some pretty decent performances from the cast and that the action has a raw tactical quality that feels more real than a bunch of action and fu flicks circulating currently. Nobody mentions this because they all wanted to see what they expected to see, and it's not fair to factor in your preconceived notions into your reviews, kids. I know you're annoyed that you didn't see enough Jet fu. Well guess what? I'm fucking annoyed that I didn't get to see enough Jet fu; but I can't deny when I see an enjoyable movie, and it is what it is.

Jet Li's performance as an ice cold killer who is always ready to put a few rounds in somebody is quite captivating as he smirks and utilizes subtle mannerisms that convey maximum menace. Definitely a movie for people who love bad guys.

If I was totally unbiased I would have given it 4 stars, but even I was petty enough to hope for a few more flashy kicks. Shame on all of us. If you can leave your expectations at the door and watch this movie objectively I think you will see it is a pretty cool action flick that is worth a look or two. If you want to see a real crappy Jet Li movie, check out "Bodyguard From Beijing" or "Romeo Must Die"--his two worst.

So let me get this straight. We the viewers never get to see the actual reality of this mythology, we only get to view various layers of "The Matrix". The story in its entirety takes place in a computer program that runs through "Neo's" mind. This destroys all of the grandeur of the movie and its overall significance by the simple fact that none of anything we see really happens and we don't know if any of the characters we see actually exist or if they are part of the program. Basically the film's meaning and credibility are now shot, so let's look at the "story" that played out in some dude's head. In the future a war breaks out between the last city of humans (who live near the center of the earth) and the machines that took over earth. How is this epic war for humanity concluded? Do the humans take the fight to the machines' territory and sabotage some vital junk to turn the tide (a la "Star Wars")? No. Is some brilliant plan established to gain the upper hand and thereby prove the resourcefulness and imagination of the human mind? Again, no. Perhaps the last city of Zion unites and against extraordinary odds defeats the overwelming adversary presenting the triumph of the human will and spirit? Afraid not. Or could it be that Neo steps his bitch ass up to the front lines in all his super powered glory and lays the smackdown on the machine invaders? Not even fucking close. Basically this war and movie are "concluded" with a peace treaty with cold, calculating, unfeeling, immoral machines. Doesn't that make perfect sense? Unfortunately they left out the complete ending of the movie that takes place five minutes later when the machines decide to just lie and attack the city of Zion when their defenses are completely down, thereby killing every last human.

What a great trilogy. Not only did they get us from behind storywise, they also left out that nice concentration of fu throwdowns that the previous two incorporated. Sure there were fights. Like three. The previous one had nine or so. The big end fight of Neo vs. Agent Smith always leaves me kind of on the fence. I wanted a little more fu but I did really enjoy all of the special effects and mid-flight Superman-style battling. Always good to see stuff getting broken. The man vs. machines battle was really good too, and it is because of these two big action sequences, the special effects and Collin Chou as Seraph that I don't just brand this punk ass flick with 0 star rating. The end result is a compost heap of overhyped Hollywood bullshit. As a movie, but especially as the end of a trilogy, it is the most incomprehensive crap that I have ever seen or heard of. It could have been the defining science fiction trilogy of this younger generation. But no, the ending killed it all and morphed the overall essence of the project into the ugly truth: we just watched a bunch of Keanu Reeves' flicks. Damn.

*may contain spoilers*

The story and action were great and the characters were both interesting and amusing. Humorous, fun-filled and with excellent special effects. Even a good dose of some really well choreographed kung fu sword fights. Easily one of the best comic book movies of all time! I loved "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army". What? Oh, my bad, I just like curve balls and sucker punches. That was funny.

Whatever, let's address these issues that I am still arguing with people over.

MISCONCEPTION #1: Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker in the film was excellent and possibly the best Joker performance ever. If ever there was one statement that someone could make that says "yeah, I love me some crack", I believe that would be the statement. Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker was horrendous. Like my dudes on this site have stated, lip licking and smacking don't exactly produce the most inspired performance. I am well aware that Mr. Ledger was given a specific graphic novel to model his Joker after, but you should not model a character with numerous appearances on one specific instance. And he still did it poorly because the Joker from that graphic novel was still loving what he was doing and having fun wreaking destruction like every incarnation of the Joker ever--except Heath's. Heath's Joker was this empty, morose, purposeless, generic white trash serial killer.

What about his phenomenal voice acting? Balls. He stole that device of the raspy midwestern accent from fellow British actor Hugh Laurie who has been doing it much better for years on the television show "House". His Joker didn't laugh or have fun and was pretty much closer to crying the whole movie. People talk about how dark his portrayal of the Joker is, but it was nowhere near dark enough, just shallow and mild. Yeah, I will give it to you folks, the "disappearing pencil trick" was freaking awesome, but one bad ass moment doesn't make a performance. Oh, and what was up with the knife fixation? The Joker doesn't care how he offs your ass as long as it's fun and creative. Stabbin' fools ain't creative, it's just a desperate gimmick to facilitate a synthetic gritty feel.

You folks have the audacity to compare his pathetic interpretation with Jack Nicholson's?!? That's not just dumb, that's retarded. You may need someone to look after you for your own safety. Jack Nicholson is a goddamn screen legend who delivered a powerful, fun, menacing, humorous and haunting performance as the clown prince. If you didn't get that then they probably don't even make the right medication for your condition. Myopia.

Moving on.

MISCONCEPTION #2: "The Dark Knight" is the best Batman movie. Bullshit. The best Batman movie should feature Batman for over 30 percent of the movie. You barely really got to see Bruce/Batman for most of the film. I felt the action was very mild and sterile, the writing was quite poor, and with the exception of Harvey Dent all of the characters seemed empty and bland.

We should also take measure of how bad ass their Batman was. Not very. There are action scenes in this film that make me cringe at how bad they are done. One scene in particular has the caped crusader taking on a whole bunch of armed gangsters with some punching and elbow combinations as he casually strolls through the middle of all of these guys. No one even thinks to shoot him! Are these cats really gangsters if they are so damn stupid as to not shoot an enemy that is wandering around and taking out their associates right in front of them? Gotham City clearly has the most bitch-made ignorant hoodlums around. The scene looks ridiculous as he just takes these non resisting fools out with simple punches when he should have been using more of his bat devices and weapons mixed in with his hand-to-hand combat (that was very bad by the way) to make it more believable that he could take out more people quickly, efficiently and in a believable manner. Instead all these fools just stood around waiting for their turn to get knocked out. I kept thinking that if this lame Batman tried to fight crime in the downtown area of my city he would have had a very short career. Yeah, we shoot fools and that fool would have got shot.

To top matters, more time is used to showcase a very bad Joker performance and to develop the character of Harvey Dent who winds up getting screwed, underutilized and played out at the end thanks to the previously mentioned bad writing. I should say though that Aaron Eckhart's performance as Harvey Dent/Two-Face was excellent and in my opinion the best performance in the entire movie. One decent performance. Bummer.

MISCONCEPTION #3: It is the best comic book movie ever. Again, bullshit. As I have already explained in moderate detail, none of the characters held the integrity or barely any resemblance to the source material. This Batman was not as smart, strong or as skillful as he should be, which just takes away from an amazing character. The Joker was a sad and pathetic clown that would probably get chopped up by Dexter over a light lunch. The Harvey/Two-Face character was excellent but he got fucked and so did the audience.

In the very end of the film, Batman decides to play martyr and accept the blame for the "catastrophic" events in the film so Harvey can die as a pure conceptual ideal. Like the truth would have been that hard to cope with for the citizens of Gotham. I get the fact that the citizens needed something noble to depend on, but wasn't that the point of being Batman in the first place?!? Couldn't Batman be that noble, honorbound shining symbol of hope and goodness in the city, especially when he has never wavered? That ending was idiotic.

So in summation: how can this be the best of any film if it is not even a good movie at all? Bad writing, weak performances, low energy action, distracted directing and it comes complete with a bad ending. Because that's what makes classics: bad endings. If no one would have hyped this movie up to me, I would have maybe thought it was okay, but not good, and definitely not great. Unfortunately when you build up a bad movie as a great to someone who knows the difference, it can piss all over the experience.

Completely abysmal garbage that verges on meaningless but contains a few interesting and entertaining scenes. Nothing special at all, but the masses love it. Check it out, you might like it, but I sure as fuck didn't.

Keep your left up, folks and don't forget to stay moving. Bastard out.

This movie uses the classic kung fu movie theme of super warriors with elemental powers and the low budget special effects are employed adequately, but I think the scope and story of this movie really required much better funding. Immortal warriors with super powers should throw each other through concrete, not dry wall. I think the grandeur of the story hurt this movie the most.

I also realize that without the extra talent from "Contour" I only like to see two or three of the Stunt People performing. Eric Jacobus, Chelsea Steffensen and the Asian kid are really the only ones I find entertaining to watch. The rest of the stars and stunt performers were not all that skillful or at least did not look that great performing the fights or acting.

Something should definitely be said about Eric Jacobus. He is a champ waiting for his moment. He's kind of like the low budget unknown white Jackie Chan. That boy has got great skills and an impressive arsenal of techniques at his disposal.

The writing of the movie was actually pretty okay too. Overall I would say the movie was quite enjoyable and contained a bunch of well done funny moments as well as some pretty nice fight scenes. Definitely worth seeing but I would not say it is mandatory.

This was originally supposed to be a live action adaption of the video game "Tekken". What sense does it make to attempt to recreate the most realistic and technically accurate fighting video game (yeah, yeah, I know "Soul Calibur" is up there too) by abusing lines, CGI and trick photography?!? Why would you gather a cast with such promise to short-change us with minimal actual martial arts? These methods are all utilities of corporate bastardization. This is why the book is always better. Or the comic. In this case the video game. When will movie executives learn not to attempt to fix things that function at top levels without their interference? No one really adapts anything. They twist, distort, then recreate. This was also the case with the movie "I Am Legend", which is based on my favorite book of the same title. Nothing was the same except the title. It winds up feeling like these pretentious, arrogant assholes have enough cash powering them that they can somehow live with themselves after they go and piss on a true artist's masterwork. The movie industry can be quite shameless and "The Avenging Fist" is a good example of such. All flash, no substance. I was being nice with my rating, but to be fair the special effects (here and there, not all) are quite good and pretty unique, and some of the cinematography together with a few okay cast efforts pull it away from being absolutely worthless. Don't get it twisted, though, this movie is definitely ass. It was loosely based on "Tekken" and had Sammo Hung, Yuen Biao and Ekin Cheng--this shit should have been legendary but instead we got something that isn't even worth the first viewing. Don't bother, you'll kind of regret it. Oh, yeah, thinking of that movie reminds me, do me a favor: if you see someone with a mullet, punch them. Just for sucking. It's like doing a public service. If you have a mullet, cut that shit, you're embarrassing the rest of us who walk upright. I'll catch ya'.

WHAT TO EXPECT: Interesting and visually stimulating special effects and action sequences; Sci-fi high-tech mumbo jumbo; camp-like, silly performances (Jason Stathom turns in his worst acting performance to date with an "American" accent that changes with his every line!); inconsistent writing (good ideas and bad ideas all living together comfortably nestled in the protective castle of Hollywood money); and craptacular music (this new school brand bang-your-head to-the-wall and lose some I.Q. so you can really like it puke).

WHAT NOT TO EXPECT: Oscar quality anything; wall-to-wall kung fu fighting; any actual chemistry between characters.

STAND OUT MOMENTS AND COOL STUFF: Getting to see Jet Li perform authentic Bagua and Xing Yi on the big screen, especially since you don't get to see many internal styles used for choreography in modern action flicks. Neat. Yulaw (Jet li's character) can apparently move so fast that he can knock one individual into the air and take out other combatants before finally returning his attention to his skyward opponet and crescent kicking him out of the air at what seems to be a leisurely pace for this super villain. Unfortunately, moments later, when he is running at top speed on the street it looks as though he is struggling to maintain a speed of what seems to be no faster than people can go (they try and throw you off by showing him run by cars but they are all moving extremely slow). And, of course, Jet Li vs. Jet Li. No clone wars required.

SHOULD I CHECK IT OUT? Sure. I mean, as long as you want to see something fun and mindless and you are prepared not to be overly critical. Not for everybody, but if an open mind is kept it can probably entertain most.

See, things have changed a lot since I came up, especially in movies. Between extreme amounts of CGI, wires, "star power", and blatant commercialism, films these days (especially martial arts films) have basically lost sight of the essentials. "Black Belt" brings back that absolute sense of what is essential. It replays that classic theme of colleages/brothers/students that go their opposing ways to discover their own personal paths. This theme was popular in a bunch of old school kung fu flicks and some cop/triad flicks from the 90's. The most recent case of this plot device that comes to memory is "Tai Chi Master". This device is used perfectly for this film and produces a necessary contrast to appreciate the finer philosophical aspects that occur both subtly and obviously throughout the movie. A true zen film. It's so zen it hurts. It's all about that ol' "my path is my path because it is the path set before me" crazy phunk.

The fights were amazing. It was the most pure karate that I have seen in any movie or show ever. The precision and expert proficiency of every fighter is showcased beautifully and brutally. It was the best and most authentic karate movie that I have seen. Period. When we conjure up thoughts of karate movies we probably think of Sonny Chiba or Jim Kelly. Perhaps even the "Karate Kid" movies and, let's face it, all those ninja movies that we watched in the 80's were basically karate flicks. I'm not sure Japan really got a chance to make a truly authentic and original karate movie since the 80's due to the whole Hong Kong style action craze that hit around '99. After that Japanese action and martial arts movies transformed into a complete mixed bowl of martial arts, boxing, gymanstics and various dance movements--basically a wanna-be Peking opera performer style. Technically this change over probably started in the late 70's.

Because of these trends in choreography and movies, we had not really been given a chance to see how good a true and pure karate movie could be. I needed a movie like this to come along and show me that great films are still being made and that using themes that may be somewhat old can be used in such refreshing ways that it revitalizes the genre.

"Black Belt" will probably be many things to many people. For some it is a powerful drama, for others it will be the best samurai film they have seen in a long time, and to many others it might be just another martial arts flick--but hopefully at least an exceptional one. For me it is to karate what "Ong-Bak" is to Muay Thai, what "Prodigal Son" is to Wing Chun" or what "Throw Down" is for Judo. It displayed its method in a way that we felt, understood and appreciated with masterful class and diligence. "Black Belt" is a good example of the whole reason why I watch movies in the first place. I want to be taken away to another world and shown fascinating things. I wasn't disappointed here. A great storyteller/philosopher once said that a journey has little do with where you are heading but more to do with what happens on the way. This film embodies that sentiment. A drink to good journeys!

Stuff you might think or say when you watch this movie:

1. Damn, Taikan is a bad-ass.
2. Damn, Giryu is a bad-ass.
3. That was the sickest reverse punch that I have ever seen!
4. Ooooo!
5. That was some pretty deep shit.

Well, thanks for playing, folks. Tune in to next week's show when we will bring little Billy back from the grave using only tic tacs and a copy of the Necronomicon.