"The Last Eve" is a retelling of some poorly told stories from a book that teaches intolerance, hate, and fundamental hypocrisy as a tool to formulate irrational and often malicious fables. That's right kids, bible tales for the arthouse crowd. Young Man Kang (the writter and director of this steaming pile) displays his devotion and fixation on God and penises in this epic, genre-blending collection of short films that may inspire you to consider suicide before having to see a flick like this again.

This film can cause extensive nerve damage. Or how about this: this film is made by people that are so extensively damaged that it gets on my nerves. I shall now present the individual and specific warnings for each segment of the film and judge them accordingly.

"Eve's Secret": 0 Stars. This short film is one of the worst things that I have ever seen in my life. Let me also spoil it for you: Eve's big secret is that she has a dick. Incidently, Young Man Kang makes it no secret that he loves the dick as it is the recurring star of this short film. The fights in this one are slow, shoddy and poorly arranged, but that's okay seeing as how everything else in this one disappoints. Atrocious acting and storytelling. This is honestly one the worst things on Earth.

"Cain & Abel": 4 Stars. The second story presented and the only one worth watching. Unlike the other two short films that are in English, this one is in Korean with English subtitles. This actually makes for a decent improvement on line delivery. The story was still as disjointed as the other shorts, but this one at least had several moments of promise. All of the good fights in the entire film occur in this short story. "Cain & Abel" has about 3 to 4 fights, but 2 of them are exceptional. One of the fights displays some very good Korean style swordfighting and the end fight has some mediocre Muay Thai but also some excellent Tae Kwon Do that is so top class it really doesn't even belong in a movie like this. This is the only worthwhile aspect of this DVD, so savor it.

"Snake's Temptation": 0 Stars. Pathetic. Soap opera trash that features the worst acting on the planet. Again poorly written and directed. The punchline of this sorry ass waste of cameras and effort is that there isn't even a fight in this the final installment of the movie that could disappoint a blind midget with a microscopic dick. Also I feel I should mention that if a director has no problems filming a dick on screen shown at random, then he should at least have the common decency to show off some nice bare breasts for those of the audience that realize the simple fact that a dick is a very ugly thing. A nude woman? Not so much. Just a thought.

This film may not represent everything that is wrong with the world, but it sure as shit is definitely part of the problem. Invest in a knife of some kind because if anyone ever convinces you to watch this flick, afterward you'll probably want to stab them. This is Bastard Ronin and that is the story I'm sticking to until my attorney advises me otherwise. Stay drunk and horny, kids. Peace out.

The movie is in English even though it seems many of the actors and actresses in this movie are not familiar with this language. I mean, damn, I couldn't understand half of what these motherfuckers were saying for most of the movie and my mom is Chinese with a very heavy accent and broken-ass English so that should tell you something right there. I have no problem understanding my mom's garbage speak, half-assed English but the lines in this movie were being delivered as if these fools were from Mars and this was their first encounter with English ever.

It helps, I guess, that I couldn't understand half of the lines delivered because the ones that I did get conveyed a movie with exceptionally bad writing. Despite the language barrier, it seems that the actors were just poor actors anyway, which doesn't really help the appeal of this movie.

What about the fu? Hmmm. Some of it is actually okay but choppy with editing of the same nature. It is abundantly obvious when the stunt doubles fight (which is most of the time) and this perhaps adds to the campy feel of this stinker. Overall the fights were just so-so and in some cases ridiculously lame.

There is a big twist in the end that is equal parts cliched and not bad but this comes off as sad attempt to justify this ludicrous crap-storm and validated it through a divisive means. And by the time the twist happens it is meaningless anyways because at no one point did you give a shit about any of the characters involved.

This movie is nothing more them a waste of time and money. Don't waste yours.

I was cheated. I was robbed. Just about any amount of money you paid to see this movie that exceeds four U.S. dollars is a vicious ripoff. Was the fight sequence with the ladder phenomenal? Absolutely. Was that pretty much the only thing worthwhile in this flick? Absolutely. This movie brings shame to the immensely entertaining "Police Story" series by skimping on the fu and fight scenes. Of course there is an underwater fight at the end--meaning slow and lacking the type of dynamic aesthetics we have come to expect from a Jackie film. "First Strike" basically is a meandering, through-the-motions, on auto-pilot Jackie film. Perhaps I was mildly entertained at random throughout, but for the most part I just can't justify giving a movie that I only appreciated for one fight scene more than one and a half stars. Sorry but this is only for strict Jackie completists. I love Jackie just like you folks. That's why this film doesn't do it for me. He's better than that.

Do me a favor: at the next wedding you attend slap a bridesmaid on the ass during the ceremony. If you are questioned on this just tell them you got the idea from a bastard. Enjoy your movies, kids.

*may contain spoilers*

The story and action were great and the characters were both interesting and amusing. Humorous, fun-filled and with excellent special effects. Even a good dose of some really well choreographed kung fu sword fights. Easily one of the best comic book movies of all time! I loved "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army". What? Oh, my bad, I just like curve balls and sucker punches. That was funny.

Whatever, let's address these issues that I am still arguing with people over.

MISCONCEPTION #1: Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker in the film was excellent and possibly the best Joker performance ever. If ever there was one statement that someone could make that says "yeah, I love me some crack", I believe that would be the statement. Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker was horrendous. Like my dudes on this site have stated, lip licking and smacking don't exactly produce the most inspired performance. I am well aware that Mr. Ledger was given a specific graphic novel to model his Joker after, but you should not model a character with numerous appearances on one specific instance. And he still did it poorly because the Joker from that graphic novel was still loving what he was doing and having fun wreaking destruction like every incarnation of the Joker ever--except Heath's. Heath's Joker was this empty, morose, purposeless, generic white trash serial killer.

What about his phenomenal voice acting? Balls. He stole that device of the raspy midwestern accent from fellow British actor Hugh Laurie who has been doing it much better for years on the television show "House". His Joker didn't laugh or have fun and was pretty much closer to crying the whole movie. People talk about how dark his portrayal of the Joker is, but it was nowhere near dark enough, just shallow and mild. Yeah, I will give it to you folks, the "disappearing pencil trick" was freaking awesome, but one bad ass moment doesn't make a performance. Oh, and what was up with the knife fixation? The Joker doesn't care how he offs your ass as long as it's fun and creative. Stabbin' fools ain't creative, it's just a desperate gimmick to facilitate a synthetic gritty feel.

You folks have the audacity to compare his pathetic interpretation with Jack Nicholson's?!? That's not just dumb, that's retarded. You may need someone to look after you for your own safety. Jack Nicholson is a goddamn screen legend who delivered a powerful, fun, menacing, humorous and haunting performance as the clown prince. If you didn't get that then they probably don't even make the right medication for your condition. Myopia.

Moving on.

MISCONCEPTION #2: "The Dark Knight" is the best Batman movie. Bullshit. The best Batman movie should feature Batman for over 30 percent of the movie. You barely really got to see Bruce/Batman for most of the film. I felt the action was very mild and sterile, the writing was quite poor, and with the exception of Harvey Dent all of the characters seemed empty and bland.

We should also take measure of how bad ass their Batman was. Not very. There are action scenes in this film that make me cringe at how bad they are done. One scene in particular has the caped crusader taking on a whole bunch of armed gangsters with some punching and elbow combinations as he casually strolls through the middle of all of these guys. No one even thinks to shoot him! Are these cats really gangsters if they are so damn stupid as to not shoot an enemy that is wandering around and taking out their associates right in front of them? Gotham City clearly has the most bitch-made ignorant hoodlums around. The scene looks ridiculous as he just takes these non resisting fools out with simple punches when he should have been using more of his bat devices and weapons mixed in with his hand-to-hand combat (that was very bad by the way) to make it more believable that he could take out more people quickly, efficiently and in a believable manner. Instead all these fools just stood around waiting for their turn to get knocked out. I kept thinking that if this lame Batman tried to fight crime in the downtown area of my city he would have had a very short career. Yeah, we shoot fools and that fool would have got shot.

To top matters, more time is used to showcase a very bad Joker performance and to develop the character of Harvey Dent who winds up getting screwed, underutilized and played out at the end thanks to the previously mentioned bad writing. I should say though that Aaron Eckhart's performance as Harvey Dent/Two-Face was excellent and in my opinion the best performance in the entire movie. One decent performance. Bummer.

MISCONCEPTION #3: It is the best comic book movie ever. Again, bullshit. As I have already explained in moderate detail, none of the characters held the integrity or barely any resemblance to the source material. This Batman was not as smart, strong or as skillful as he should be, which just takes away from an amazing character. The Joker was a sad and pathetic clown that would probably get chopped up by Dexter over a light lunch. The Harvey/Two-Face character was excellent but he got fucked and so did the audience.

In the very end of the film, Batman decides to play martyr and accept the blame for the "catastrophic" events in the film so Harvey can die as a pure conceptual ideal. Like the truth would have been that hard to cope with for the citizens of Gotham. I get the fact that the citizens needed something noble to depend on, but wasn't that the point of being Batman in the first place?!? Couldn't Batman be that noble, honorbound shining symbol of hope and goodness in the city, especially when he has never wavered? That ending was idiotic.

So in summation: how can this be the best of any film if it is not even a good movie at all? Bad writing, weak performances, low energy action, distracted directing and it comes complete with a bad ending. Because that's what makes classics: bad endings. If no one would have hyped this movie up to me, I would have maybe thought it was okay, but not good, and definitely not great. Unfortunately when you build up a bad movie as a great to someone who knows the difference, it can piss all over the experience.

Completely abysmal garbage that verges on meaningless but contains a few interesting and entertaining scenes. Nothing special at all, but the masses love it. Check it out, you might like it, but I sure as fuck didn't.

Keep your left up, folks and don't forget to stay moving. Bastard out.

So let me get this straight. We the viewers never get to see the actual reality of this mythology, we only get to view various layers of "The Matrix". The story in its entirety takes place in a computer program that runs through "Neo's" mind. This destroys all of the grandeur of the movie and its overall significance by the simple fact that none of anything we see really happens and we don't know if any of the characters we see actually exist or if they are part of the program. Basically the film's meaning and credibility are now shot, so let's look at the "story" that played out in some dude's head. In the future a war breaks out between the last city of humans (who live near the center of the earth) and the machines that took over earth. How is this epic war for humanity concluded? Do the humans take the fight to the machines' territory and sabotage some vital junk to turn the tide (a la "Star Wars")? No. Is some brilliant plan established to gain the upper hand and thereby prove the resourcefulness and imagination of the human mind? Again, no. Perhaps the last city of Zion unites and against extraordinary odds defeats the overwelming adversary presenting the triumph of the human will and spirit? Afraid not. Or could it be that Neo steps his bitch ass up to the front lines in all his super powered glory and lays the smackdown on the machine invaders? Not even fucking close. Basically this war and movie are "concluded" with a peace treaty with cold, calculating, unfeeling, immoral machines. Doesn't that make perfect sense? Unfortunately they left out the complete ending of the movie that takes place five minutes later when the machines decide to just lie and attack the city of Zion when their defenses are completely down, thereby killing every last human.

What a great trilogy. Not only did they get us from behind storywise, they also left out that nice concentration of fu throwdowns that the previous two incorporated. Sure there were fights. Like three. The previous one had nine or so. The big end fight of Neo vs. Agent Smith always leaves me kind of on the fence. I wanted a little more fu but I did really enjoy all of the special effects and mid-flight Superman-style battling. Always good to see stuff getting broken. The man vs. machines battle was really good too, and it is because of these two big action sequences, the special effects and Collin Chou as Seraph that I don't just brand this punk ass flick with 0 star rating. The end result is a compost heap of overhyped Hollywood bullshit. As a movie, but especially as the end of a trilogy, it is the most incomprehensive crap that I have ever seen or heard of. It could have been the defining science fiction trilogy of this younger generation. But no, the ending killed it all and morphed the overall essence of the project into the ugly truth: we just watched a bunch of Keanu Reeves' flicks. Damn.

This was originally supposed to be a live action adaption of the video game "Tekken". What sense does it make to attempt to recreate the most realistic and technically accurate fighting video game (yeah, yeah, I know "Soul Calibur" is up there too) by abusing lines, CGI and trick photography?!? Why would you gather a cast with such promise to short-change us with minimal actual martial arts? These methods are all utilities of corporate bastardization. This is why the book is always better. Or the comic. In this case the video game. When will movie executives learn not to attempt to fix things that function at top levels without their interference? No one really adapts anything. They twist, distort, then recreate. This was also the case with the movie "I Am Legend", which is based on my favorite book of the same title. Nothing was the same except the title. It winds up feeling like these pretentious, arrogant assholes have enough cash powering them that they can somehow live with themselves after they go and piss on a true artist's masterwork. The movie industry can be quite shameless and "The Avenging Fist" is a good example of such. All flash, no substance. I was being nice with my rating, but to be fair the special effects (here and there, not all) are quite good and pretty unique, and some of the cinematography together with a few okay cast efforts pull it away from being absolutely worthless. Don't get it twisted, though, this movie is definitely ass. It was loosely based on "Tekken" and had Sammo Hung, Yuen Biao and Ekin Cheng--this shit should have been legendary but instead we got something that isn't even worth the first viewing. Don't bother, you'll kind of regret it. Oh, yeah, thinking of that movie reminds me, do me a favor: if you see someone with a mullet, punch them. Just for sucking. It's like doing a public service. If you have a mullet, cut that shit, you're embarrassing the rest of us who walk upright. I'll catch ya'.

Despite all of this, it is done fairly well and there are moments you will appreciate; but altogether it is not really worth it for true Asian cinephiles--but it might be cool for your preteen nephew as a warm up before you show him those real old school classics that will blow him away.

Now let us evaluate the film as a "Yojimbo" movie. "Zatoichi Meets Yojimbo" is the final chapter in the path of Yojimbo. In his first appearance in the original "Yojimbo" he scams, outmaneuvers and out duels a whole damn town, so when you end a legendary tale like that with this garbage you are going to offend somebody. He is flat out played out in this flick. It is always offensive when they make an established knight a pawn.

If everything felt off, where could this lead? THE FINAL SHOWDOWN: $#!*motherf*&%$#@@#$@@$$!!!! So short, so weak, so not worth the damn wait. It is also necessary to mention that these two individuals that have previously been depicted as masters of their own destiny are transformed into mere victims of circumstance. This was also the case in "Zatoichi Meets The One-Armed Swordsman", but that was at least a better movie than this crap. This movie does have a few redeeming traits, such as decent performances, some alright fights and basic production values; but none of that fixes talent being completely wasted and stiffing the fans of what should have obvoiusly been an all time classic. If you are a "Zatoichi" or a "Yojimbo" completist then you might feel the need to own this movie just to complete the collection, but as I've stated I am a fan of both series and I sold my copy of this awhile ago because it just pissed me off too much. View at your own risk, but I would just move on to the other "Yojimbo" and many other "Zatoichi" films that are really worth your time.

Before I bail I'd like to remind you that if you shake it more than twice you're playing with it. Scream and yell obscenities when necessary. Later.

About a couple of weeks back I sat down to watch two movies: "The Shepherd: Border Patrol"--the most recent (to my knowledge) Jean Claude Van Damme straight-to-DVD offering (he was a big martial arts/action star from the 80's and early to mid 90's); and "In The Name Of The King"--a sword and sorcery flick that was based on a role playing game and stars Jason Statham (a British actor, not a martial artist). Guess which one was a better martial arts movie. Very good, you folks have a good sense of build-up. It shouldn't have surprised me, though (in all honesty, I didn't realize that Tony Ching directed the choreography of "In The Name Of The King" before I watched it, so, yeah, that was an unfair advantage). I mean, I used to be a big Van Damme fan--when I was twelve. I got older, my martial arts repertoire got broader and better. His didn't. I found myself capable of doing all kinds of nifty shit that I don't think Brussels boy has even dreamed of. After that, Jean Claude's generic and static "style" just lost all of its draw. I just couldn't become one of those folks waiting for the next straight to video JCVD flick all complacent and shit with the same eight goddamn kicks he has been recycling year after year. In a lot of ways I have Jean Claude Van Damme to thank for turning me to Asian cinema for better stuff. It made me the bastard I am today. Thanks, dude.

Do you know how that fool got his big break? He approached a producer of b movies and kicked over the man's head and told the gullible bastard that he was a European kickboxing champ! Years later the investigative television show, Hard Copy, did a show on his authenticity. Turns out he has never been a kickboxer or a kickboxing champion sanctioned by anybody. Ever. Like it took half-assed journalism to tell a world full of martial artists that no man who throws a punch like a little, blind girl could ever hold a kickboxing title. Sorry folks he's just a ballerina that took some karate lessons back in the day. And he may or may not have done some gay porn at one point. Oh, and he definitely got his ass kicked by a biker/stuntman in public once. While we're on it, the man can hold a kick in the air but he has no control whatsoever. Numerous co-stars from his movies have stated on many occasions that during filming Jean Claude would actually hit them during takes. Often. He has also blinded a stuntman in one eye while filming a knife fight in the movie "Cyborg" due to (at least in part) the fact that he has had no formal training in any type of knife fighting. I'm not making this shit up. The man is a fool. Call him what you want, but that asshole ain't no martial artist.

But I've ranted quite a bit, so let's talk about this flick. It's what you should probably expect. Generic. Isaac Florentine tries to do the whole spagetti western thing with the music, cinematography and pacing. He doesn't nail--at all. The fights were not that bad, but I found myself constantly waiting for Scott Adkins to come and whoop somebody's ass, but it wasn't happening often enough. Honestly the fights did get kind of fun, but there are just not enough of them to save this turkey.

I was pretty generous with my rating and to be honest I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I saw something in it that entertained me in a funny way. Maybe I live too close to power lines. Who knows, but I say grow up in style. Put "Time Cop" in the closet so it doesn't get some of its lame funk on "Super Cop" by sitting next to it in the cabinet. Don't get me wrong though, Jean Claude Van Damme has made some pretty entertaining flicks, but he should have quit a long time ago.

TEN VAN DAMME MOVIES THAT ACTUALLY ROCK:

1. "Bloodsport"
2. "No Retreat,No Surrender"
3. "Universal Soldier"
4. "Hard Target"
5. "Lion Heart"
6. "Cyborg"
7. "Kickboxer"
8. "Double Team"
9. "Double Impact"
10. "Death Warrant

Let me start off delicately so I don't infuriate the children. This movie ain't sh**. An overhyped bowl of average soup always tastes the same: salty. Everyone seems to talk about the extraordinary action and martial arts choreography being of the highest caliber. What a bunch of bull. I can't speak for you folks, but personally I like my wire fu with more fu than wire, not the other way around. The action is ludicrous, gravity defying, irrational slop. Yuen Wo Ping has put together a bunch of brilliant art in his day, but this is not of that grouping. Three expert martial artists/thespians (Jet Li, Yuen Biao, Michelle Yeoh) are completely wasted and are used as yo-yo's instead of the skilled athletes they are. The story and characters are very typical and there is nothing truly exceptional about this film.

Now that I have pissed my name in the snow, let me address the flipside of the coin. Don't get it twisted--I don't believe this movie sucks, I just think that it is one of the, if not the, most overly embellished kung fu films around. "The Tai Chi Master" does have many redeeming traits. The story, while standard, was presented well; the characters had pretty good chemistry; and a few of the action sequences did show a spark of character (it was cool to see Jet and Yuen use a Shaolin staff style with brooms). So overall, yes, the film is enjoyable; but it is not a classic and in my opinion should not be regarded as such. Like I insinuated in the beginning of my review, this movie is best for wuxia and Jet Li fanatics.

Don't give me that look. I love wuxia and Jet Li too, but these days for me to get a real thrill I got to go wireless. You have no idea how long I have been holding that in. Please direct all complaints and outbursts to the nearest brick wall.

Today on the menu we will be revisiting the third "Once Upon A Time In China", or as many of us think of it, the last OUATIC movie with street cred. After this one Vincent Zhao (aka Chui Man Chuk) took center stage as the great master Wong. He did an excellent job but the series seemed to lose its spark. This film was the last one with that spark. While it was dramatically less amazing than the two that preceded it, this one still manages to entertain and thrill while maintaining its overall feel and mythology.

This movie also features the introduction of one of my favorite OUATIC characters, Clubfoot, who is played by the highly skilled and severely underappreciated Xiong Xin Xin. That man is a beast and he brings sick amounts of intensity and vigor to the role of Clubfoot. I would have to say that an argument could be made that from the third movie on, Xiong Xin Xin was carrying the whole project on his back.

As my homegirl, Cinema!, stated in her review, the lion dances are beautiful, vicious and fun to watch, but the downside (like some other reviewers have stated) is that we wind up missing out on an intense one-on-one square-off like the first and second film. In the end of the first we get Jet Li vs. Wang Yu: legendary. In the second we get Jet Li vs. Donnie Yen: way sick. In the third we get: stiffed. That's not right, folks. If you got a good recipe that everyone can enjoy, you probably shouldn't tamper with the spices.

But despite a drop in various qualities and too much cousin courting, this film is still completely crucial in my eyes. Let's face it, all of the "Once Upon A Time In China" movies rock and this one is no different. Complete the collection and take in the struggle for China's independence and the adventures of legendary warriors. Or you can wait for the next big budget, trendy Hollywood fanboy fu drivel. Oooo, my friends and coworkers seem pretty excited about this movie called "Fighting". I saw a trailer and apparently these people I know are tools. It looks lame.

Stick with the quality classics that come directly from Asia and buy them here. Nobody paid me to write that, so I'm probably not blowin' smoke. Take care of what you can and make plans for all the other stuff. Be safe, folks. Peace.

This movie uses the classic kung fu movie theme of super warriors with elemental powers and the low budget special effects are employed adequately, but I think the scope and story of this movie really required much better funding. Immortal warriors with super powers should throw each other through concrete, not dry wall. I think the grandeur of the story hurt this movie the most.

I also realize that without the extra talent from "Contour" I only like to see two or three of the Stunt People performing. Eric Jacobus, Chelsea Steffensen and the Asian kid are really the only ones I find entertaining to watch. The rest of the stars and stunt performers were not all that skillful or at least did not look that great performing the fights or acting.

Something should definitely be said about Eric Jacobus. He is a champ waiting for his moment. He's kind of like the low budget unknown white Jackie Chan. That boy has got great skills and an impressive arsenal of techniques at his disposal.

The writing of the movie was actually pretty okay too. Overall I would say the movie was quite enjoyable and contained a bunch of well done funny moments as well as some pretty nice fight scenes. Definitely worth seeing but I would not say it is mandatory.

"China Strike Force" is an oddball throwback to the glory days of Hong Kong cop actioners with a new school twist and a touch of Americanized compost. In fact the movie is in English even though that is not the native dialect of over half the cast. And it shows. The acting was, let's say, slightly less than serviceable. Oddly enough, Coolio wound up delivering his lines pretty well and was funny more intentionally than not, unlike some of his co-stars. And of course there's Mark.

Mark Dacascos is always a pleasure to watch--his acting is halfway decent and his martial arts skills are A-list quality. It's kind of a bitch that he never really blew up the way he should have. But isn't that always the way? JCVD gets famous and he bites. Pop stars and Hollywood megastars get highly funded kung fu vehicles and they are all undeserving. But what of Mark Dacascos, Ernie Reyes Jr., Scott Adkins, and Brad Allen (and many others)? Where are their big contracts for major action movies? Someone or something out there controlling the cosmic balance has the most twisted sense of humor. I mean, think about it. John Lennon: shot and killed; Martin Luther King, Jr.: shot and killed; Ronald Reagan: shot and wounded, survived. What kind of shit is that?!? People, we must protect the balance if God won't. Live your lives with some degree of honor and stay vigilant. Hopefully we can protect what is sacred.

Whoa, sorry about that folks, I'm starting to wear this soapbox out. Before I shot out into left field I think we were dicussing a movie of some kind. Right? So, "China Strike Force" is inconsistant in the acting department and plain and standard on the whole plot thing, but how is the action? Pretty good, actually. Stanley Tong always seems to craft some kinetic fights with high energy, and this movie is no exception as we are given some very functional choreography. The previously mentioned Mark Dacascos gets to shine in this arena. While he only really gets two fights and is basically gypped out of the end fight, he still gets to show off his goods with style, grace, and power. The stunts are well done, but despite the enjoyable action there are still lags here and there due in part to poor direction and choppy acting. The end fight was kind of disappointing as well. Though it had a definite element of danger, it did not have the pace or quality of the rest of the fights.

Overall I did enjoy it and I would say it is worth checking out, but it won't necessarily become one of your favorites. Thanks for the time. Stay up on the down. I got stuff to do but we'll catch up.

TWENTY MOVIES THAT KICK THE SHIT OUT OF "CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON" IN EITHER MARTIAL ARTS OR OVERALL GRANDEUR: (in no particular order)

1. "Seven Samurai"
2. "Once Upon A Time In China"
3. "Fist Of Legend"
4. "A Man Called Hero"
5. "Seven Swords"
6. "In The Line Of Duty 4"
7. "Tom Yum Goong"
8. "Ong Bak"
9. "Iron Monkey" (the Tsui Hark one)
10. "Prodigal Son"
11. "Enter The Dragon"
12. "Blade Of Fury"
13. "Hero" (Jet Li)
14. "Dragons Forever"
15. "SPL"
16. "Dragon Tiger Gate"
17. "Lone Wolf And Cub" (all of them)
18. "Versus"
19. "Duel To The Death"
20. "Star Wars" (again, all of them)

"Tower of Death" is quite the oddity. It is actually the best Bruce Lee movie available that doesn't even have Bruce Lee in it. The choreography is top notch. Yuen Wo Ping does an extraordinary job in capturing Bruce Lee's fighting style and his brand of choreography. The fights are just rockin', and this is actually probably one of the best random-as-hell kung fu movies that a lot of people are not hip too.

Hwang Jang Lee, as always, is a Godsend. The "King of the Leg Fighters" deserves a lifetime achievement award for depicting so many of the most bad ass screen villans of all time.

This flick is pretty essential and I would have given it perhaps a perfect rating for the martial arts alone if not for one detail. I had to take off one and a half stars for the plain and simple fact that the movie is fucking tasteless. Exploitation is always some ugly shit, but this movie goes so completely overboard and attempts to cash in on a dead icon and hero to millions by incorporating scenes from his other movies as well as archival footage. Grimy, just grimy.

Despite the fact that whoever put this movie together just loves the cock, it's actually pretty worth the purchase. Ignore the overwelming cheese and the naked broad that has make up that looks like it has to be removed with a sandblaster, just get it to see some dude fight like he was Bruce. Way better than all that Bruce Li and Dragon Lee garbage. Trust me, folks, I wouldn't lie to you. Unless I was trying to acquire money or sex. Speaking of which, I have a Pokemon that I am holding captive in my basement. Does anyone want to buy it? I ran out of stuff to do to it and I think it's hungry...

WHAT TO EXPECT: Interesting and visually stimulating special effects and action sequences; Sci-fi high-tech mumbo jumbo; camp-like, silly performances (Jason Stathom turns in his worst acting performance to date with an "American" accent that changes with his every line!); inconsistent writing (good ideas and bad ideas all living together comfortably nestled in the protective castle of Hollywood money); and craptacular music (this new school brand bang-your-head to-the-wall and lose some I.Q. so you can really like it puke).

WHAT NOT TO EXPECT: Oscar quality anything; wall-to-wall kung fu fighting; any actual chemistry between characters.

STAND OUT MOMENTS AND COOL STUFF: Getting to see Jet Li perform authentic Bagua and Xing Yi on the big screen, especially since you don't get to see many internal styles used for choreography in modern action flicks. Neat. Yulaw (Jet li's character) can apparently move so fast that he can knock one individual into the air and take out other combatants before finally returning his attention to his skyward opponet and crescent kicking him out of the air at what seems to be a leisurely pace for this super villain. Unfortunately, moments later, when he is running at top speed on the street it looks as though he is struggling to maintain a speed of what seems to be no faster than people can go (they try and throw you off by showing him run by cars but they are all moving extremely slow). And, of course, Jet Li vs. Jet Li. No clone wars required.

SHOULD I CHECK IT OUT? Sure. I mean, as long as you want to see something fun and mindless and you are prepared not to be overly critical. Not for everybody, but if an open mind is kept it can probably entertain most.

What's wrong with you folks? I see that this movie has gotten some half- and one-star ratings. That tells me that some of you folks aren't bothering to rate these movies properly. This is a martial arts film and should be graded accordingly. There should be no reason that you would score this material on the same scale of measurement as, say, "Titanic". Genre should ALWAYS be factored into your reviews. Would you subtract points if you saw a horror movie with too much blood? Were you looking for a believable and relatable movie when you watched "The Lord of the Rings"? Every movie is an artistic vision that attempts to entertain while striving to achieve something that is usually case specific. Martial arts movies are for people who like martial arts. Period. This type of entertainment is catered to a specific audience that wants a specific type of action. That is why you watch a kung fu flick: for the kung fu! If you think that the movie's plot, story, directing or acting are poor in this type of movie, then you probably shouldn't deduct more than a half to one star. You didn't come for the other crap, you came for the fu. Unless you are a moron. Then you can perform any task in any irrational manner that you see fit; but if you are going to review movies for consumers that are educated and involved with their interests, then you better know what the hell you are talking about. Leeway should be given to the suspension of disbelief factor of horror, sci-fi, fantasy, and martial arts movies. Acknowledge the purpose or goal of the movie before you condemn or praise it.

Now that I have ranted and bitched let me get to giving this movie a fair and reasonable review.

Yes, the drama in this movie is somewhat repulsive, as is the "love interest" in the film. The story did suck, but seeing as how this is a kung fu flick (see what I did there?), I have deducted a half star. The hardest part about grading this particular movie is trying to perceive what the filmmakers were trying to achieve. I personally feel that the people involved in making this movie lost sight of what they were trying to achieve by ineffeciently blending too many themes that don't belong together (melodrama, kung fu, crime, Shakespearian tragedy). For this reason I deduct another half star.

Now for the part of the grading process that is far more relevent. How was the fu? Pretty awesome...to a fault. I find myself having a similar dilemma as I had with "Romeo Must Die", but on a much milder level. The fights and choreography are excellent and very kinetic, but a lot of them seem to end with some big, flamboyant wire-assisted jump-spin-kick. This is annoying because this winds up being the punctuation mark to each altercation which can taint the feeling of the whole fight and devalue it on some level. In almost all of the cases that the wire is used it is pretty much not even necessary. I'm pretty sure Wu Jing can perform a 720 with an air stance (finishing technique of the first fight) without the aid of lines. Wires make moves look fake. Kung fu is real, baby. Why bother with the lines if the performer can do the technique without? Why go out of the way to make it look hokey? Though the lines are used sparingly, I still had to deduct half a star due to the off-putting nature of their use.

FINAL SUMMATION: This is a very good kung fu flick with a bad plot and some annoying characters. So what? You got about fifty of these in your collection already. I say go for it. You will like it as long as you know why you are watching it.